The carbon dioxide in the room
Sep. 26th, 2002 07:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravenThis afternoon, I was in a maths lesson, talking to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eniddy about what we should wear for the pop concert. Suddenly the teacher screeches at me, "Iona, you have done nothing but gossip for this whole lesson!"
I didn't like it. Obviously. I felt irritated. And I was annoyed. But most of all, I wanted to get up, leave my books behind me, and walk away. Leave the classroom, leave the school, leave my whole world, go somewhere else.
I am the only child of two extremely focused professionals. In the whole of my somewhat unsettled life, my schoolwork has been the one constant. I'm not stupid - Pedar enjoyed teaching me anything he thought I might be interested in. Which proved to be embarrassing at times - there was that whole A is for anaemia incident, and then the time I triumphantly informed my kindergarten teacher she should put plants in the room to deal with the carbon dioxide. At the same time as this, I didn't know how to use scissors, had never played with dolls, didn't know how to play with other children.... let's face it, I was a highly weird child.
I am still a highly weird child. But the attitude of my parents has always been, you can do whatever you like, so long as you work. But I'm cracking up where work is concerned. I never had to force myself to work before - but now I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning if it's a school day. I just don't see the point of it any more. Or, rather, I see the point, but I wonder who has the right to tell me what to do. Horrific arrogance, but it keeps me in bed in the morning, so it's very real.
And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do it. I have a feeling that in the next year, I may well destroy the reputation I spent years establishing. And I don't want to do it, but I can't stop myself. I need help.
eniddy about what we should wear for the pop concert. Suddenly the teacher screeches at me, "Iona, you have done nothing but gossip for this whole lesson!"I didn't like it. Obviously. I felt irritated. And I was annoyed. But most of all, I wanted to get up, leave my books behind me, and walk away. Leave the classroom, leave the school, leave my whole world, go somewhere else.
I am the only child of two extremely focused professionals. In the whole of my somewhat unsettled life, my schoolwork has been the one constant. I'm not stupid - Pedar enjoyed teaching me anything he thought I might be interested in. Which proved to be embarrassing at times - there was that whole A is for anaemia incident, and then the time I triumphantly informed my kindergarten teacher she should put plants in the room to deal with the carbon dioxide. At the same time as this, I didn't know how to use scissors, had never played with dolls, didn't know how to play with other children.... let's face it, I was a highly weird child.
I am still a highly weird child. But the attitude of my parents has always been, you can do whatever you like, so long as you work. But I'm cracking up where work is concerned. I never had to force myself to work before - but now I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning if it's a school day. I just don't see the point of it any more. Or, rather, I see the point, but I wonder who has the right to tell me what to do. Horrific arrogance, but it keeps me in bed in the morning, so it's very real.
And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do it. I have a feeling that in the next year, I may well destroy the reputation I spent years establishing. And I don't want to do it, but I can't stop myself. I need help.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2002-09-27 01:57 am (UTC)I'm here, if I can.
There's no point in working if ou aren't enjoying it, but (personally) I always found that I did. I think I was lucky with good teachers, but also there's the question of what else you'd do with your time.
And with your life: what do you want to be doing in 5, 10 years' time? You have to remember that there's not much you can do without having done the crappy school and slightly less crappy uni bit first. [and indeed the also relatively crappy "getting experience so you can do the interesting and well paid work you want to do" bit, that I'm in the middle of....]
Even if you really don't want to be there, I'd say stay. You can't see into the future, but you can be pretty certain that qualifications will be an asset.
As for your reputation... it doesn't matter. (Look at me: I doubt that I have a great reputation at my old school, if I haven't been totally expunged from the record!)
::hugs::
A is for anaemia - hehe! good girl!
Re:
on 2002-09-27 05:02 am (UTC)Thanks for the help... and picture the embarrassment when you say "anaemia" and everyone else says "apple" - and of course, my parents have told everyone this story...
Re:
on 2002-09-27 05:54 am (UTC)It's much better when you get to ditch all the crap subjects you've always hated - I'll never forget the day I realised that I would never have to speak French again...
Re:
on 2002-09-27 05:55 am (UTC)Two mini-fics and about a billion comments!)