The carbon dioxide in the room
Sep. 26th, 2002 07:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravenThis afternoon, I was in a maths lesson, talking to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eniddy about what we should wear for the pop concert. Suddenly the teacher screeches at me, "Iona, you have done nothing but gossip for this whole lesson!"
I didn't like it. Obviously. I felt irritated. And I was annoyed. But most of all, I wanted to get up, leave my books behind me, and walk away. Leave the classroom, leave the school, leave my whole world, go somewhere else.
I am the only child of two extremely focused professionals. In the whole of my somewhat unsettled life, my schoolwork has been the one constant. I'm not stupid - Pedar enjoyed teaching me anything he thought I might be interested in. Which proved to be embarrassing at times - there was that whole A is for anaemia incident, and then the time I triumphantly informed my kindergarten teacher she should put plants in the room to deal with the carbon dioxide. At the same time as this, I didn't know how to use scissors, had never played with dolls, didn't know how to play with other children.... let's face it, I was a highly weird child.
I am still a highly weird child. But the attitude of my parents has always been, you can do whatever you like, so long as you work. But I'm cracking up where work is concerned. I never had to force myself to work before - but now I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning if it's a school day. I just don't see the point of it any more. Or, rather, I see the point, but I wonder who has the right to tell me what to do. Horrific arrogance, but it keeps me in bed in the morning, so it's very real.
And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do it. I have a feeling that in the next year, I may well destroy the reputation I spent years establishing. And I don't want to do it, but I can't stop myself. I need help.
eniddy about what we should wear for the pop concert. Suddenly the teacher screeches at me, "Iona, you have done nothing but gossip for this whole lesson!"I didn't like it. Obviously. I felt irritated. And I was annoyed. But most of all, I wanted to get up, leave my books behind me, and walk away. Leave the classroom, leave the school, leave my whole world, go somewhere else.
I am the only child of two extremely focused professionals. In the whole of my somewhat unsettled life, my schoolwork has been the one constant. I'm not stupid - Pedar enjoyed teaching me anything he thought I might be interested in. Which proved to be embarrassing at times - there was that whole A is for anaemia incident, and then the time I triumphantly informed my kindergarten teacher she should put plants in the room to deal with the carbon dioxide. At the same time as this, I didn't know how to use scissors, had never played with dolls, didn't know how to play with other children.... let's face it, I was a highly weird child.
I am still a highly weird child. But the attitude of my parents has always been, you can do whatever you like, so long as you work. But I'm cracking up where work is concerned. I never had to force myself to work before - but now I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning if it's a school day. I just don't see the point of it any more. Or, rather, I see the point, but I wonder who has the right to tell me what to do. Horrific arrogance, but it keeps me in bed in the morning, so it's very real.
And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do it. I have a feeling that in the next year, I may well destroy the reputation I spent years establishing. And I don't want to do it, but I can't stop myself. I need help.
