Yep, it's another sequence of open letters, because that's an original gambit.

[raven]

Dear book-buying public and one member of it in particular,

ISBNs are great things. In fact, I would go out on a limb and say they are the greatest invention of the twentieth century, and failing that, computers are the greatest invention of the twentieth century just because you can feed ISBNs into them.

But I am not a computer. I am a human being. And I appreciate you're a good customer and you're giving us a lot of business, but if you want a human being to track down two hundred and eighty books, then those archaic institutions of title and author are, you'll find, not only helpful but positively essential.

yours with eyestrain,
~Raven

---

Dear people who make Terry's Chocolate Oranges,

I no longer like Chocolate Oranges, not since the Christmas the library committee gave me fourteen^[1] of them.

OH MY GOD. I am rarely driven to incoherency by foodstuffs.

yours in quasi-orgasmic glee,
~Raven

---

Dear United States Department of Homeland Security^[2],

Fuck you.

~Raven

---

Dear Aaron Sorkin,

I strongly suspect I shall be volunteering to have your babies later tonight. Thank you for existing.

in bewildered gratitude,
~Raven

---

Dear fandom at large,

A question for you all. This is a very serious and important question.

In a prank war that had the Marauders on one side and Theta Sigma, Koschei and Ushas on the other, who would win?

It is keeping me up at night, naturally.

~Raven, who cannot sleep yet again and thus is procrastinating by making INCREDIBLY STUPID AND POINTLESS entries in LJ.

Seriously. Who'd win? (Prydonian = Slytherin, right? Maybe that would clinch it.)

I am going to bed before I bore myself to death.

---

[1] Or some such improbably large number.
[2] This open letter has been a long time in the planning, ever since my last encounter with the people in question, and this was the draft I felt comprehensively and precisely got to the point of the matter.

Comments

[emerald-embers.livejournal.com]

In a prank war that had the Marauders on one side and Theta Sigma, Koschei and Ushas on the other, who would win?

Johnny Knoxville.

DUH.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

NO WAI.

[wishfulaces.livejournal.com]

While the Marauders have incredible cunning and an almost frightening ability to create truly devious pranks, Theta, Koschei, and Ushas (they so need a name of their own; writing out all those letters is tiring) are Time Lords. Really incredibly intelligent Time Lords.

On the other hand, they probably squabble even more than the Marauders do. I think it's a draw.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*giggles* They're not Time Lords yet! And now I have beautiful visions of them squabbling over the semantics until the Marauders turn them upside down by their ankles. *g*

[wishfulaces.livejournal.com]

Oh...yup, you're right. Marauders would totally win but probably feel somewhat cheated because it was too easy.

[doyle_sb4.livejournal.com]

In a prank war that had the Marauders on one side and Theta Sigma, Koschei and Ushas on the other, who would win?

I think they would fight to an eventual stalemate, though not before complete chaos ruled and several laws of time/the Ministry had been broken. Then Borusa and Dumbledore would arrive to be very stern at them.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I begin to wonder if Theta and Remus might "arrange" that stalemate together, unknown to the others. And Borusa and Dumbledore would probably bond over tea and biscuits before getting to the punishment part.

[chains-of-irony.livejournal.com]

The Marauders would win of course! Though Peter would probably come off worse. And interesting things may happen when Theta meets Remus, (pervy werewolf fancier!) Sirius would get jealous and so James and he would be inspired to even reater heights of pranking glory...

Ooh, I want to write this but I don't know enough about Theta Sigma and the others.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I think Peter and Koschei might get on, somehow. Ditto Theta and Remus, of course! I [[heart]] those two together.

Write it! There isn't much to know about Theta and the others. Everything about them is total fan invention, I swear.

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

I agree completely with letter #3.

As for letter #2... love the ambiguity. Oh. My. God. What did you do to cause them to sacrifice chocolate at your feet like that? APPARENTLY YOU ARE SOME SORT OF LIBRARY GOD.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I was quite good at the job, honest! It involved gathering them up every Wednesday and having a breakfast meeting with refreshments, and at the end of the year the committee were very kind and showed their appreciation. Unfortunately, a lot of them independently reached the same conclusion as to what token of appreciation to leave. (Wasn't quite fourteen, but it was six or seven... *g*)

[--kali--.livejournal.com]

14 chocolate oranges! Tap it and unwrap it heaven!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh god. I honestly never wanted to see another one as long as I lived, and that's after giving away most of them!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

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