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Yep, it's another sequence of open letters, because that's an original gambit.
Dear book-buying public and one member of it in particular,
ISBNs are great things. In fact, I would go out on a limb and say they are the greatest invention of the twentieth century, and failing that, computers are the greatest invention of the twentieth century just because you can feed ISBNs into them.
But I am not a computer. I am a human being. And I appreciate you're a good customer and you're giving us a lot of business, but if you want a human being to track down two hundred and eighty books, then those archaic institutions of title and author are, you'll find, not only helpful but positively essential.
yours with eyestrain,
~Raven
Dear people who make Terry's Chocolate Oranges,
I no longer like Chocolate Oranges, not since the Christmas the library committee gave me fourteen[1] of them.
OH MY GOD. I am rarely driven to incoherency by foodstuffs.
yours in quasi-orgasmic glee,
~Raven
Dear United States Department of Homeland Security[2],
Fuck you.
~Raven
Dear Aaron Sorkin,
I strongly suspect I shall be volunteering to have your babies later tonight. Thank you for existing.
in bewildered gratitude,
~Raven
Dear fandom at large,
A question for you all. This is a very serious and important question.
In a prank war that had the Marauders on one side and Theta Sigma, Koschei and Ushas on the other, who would win?
It is keeping me up at night, naturally.
~Raven, who cannot sleep yet again and thus is procrastinating by making INCREDIBLY STUPID AND POINTLESS entries in LJ.
Seriously. Who'd win? (Prydonian = Slytherin, right? Maybe that would clinch it.)
I am going to bed before I bore myself to death.
[1] Or some such improbably large number.
[2] This open letter has been a long time in the planning, ever since my last encounter with the people in question, and this was the draft I felt comprehensively and precisely got to the point of the matter.
ISBNs are great things. In fact, I would go out on a limb and say they are the greatest invention of the twentieth century, and failing that, computers are the greatest invention of the twentieth century just because you can feed ISBNs into them.
But I am not a computer. I am a human being. And I appreciate you're a good customer and you're giving us a lot of business, but if you want a human being to track down two hundred and eighty books, then those archaic institutions of title and author are, you'll find, not only helpful but positively essential.
yours with eyestrain,
~Raven
Dear people who make Terry's Chocolate Oranges,
I no longer like Chocolate Oranges, not since the Christmas the library committee gave me fourteen[1] of them.
OH MY GOD. I am rarely driven to incoherency by foodstuffs.
yours in quasi-orgasmic glee,
~Raven
Dear United States Department of Homeland Security[2],
Fuck you.
~Raven
Dear Aaron Sorkin,
I strongly suspect I shall be volunteering to have your babies later tonight. Thank you for existing.
in bewildered gratitude,
~Raven
Dear fandom at large,
A question for you all. This is a very serious and important question.
In a prank war that had the Marauders on one side and Theta Sigma, Koschei and Ushas on the other, who would win?
It is keeping me up at night, naturally.
~Raven, who cannot sleep yet again and thus is procrastinating by making INCREDIBLY STUPID AND POINTLESS entries in LJ.
Seriously. Who'd win? (Prydonian = Slytherin, right? Maybe that would clinch it.)
I am going to bed before I bore myself to death.
[1] Or some such improbably large number.
[2] This open letter has been a long time in the planning, ever since my last encounter with the people in question, and this was the draft I felt comprehensively and precisely got to the point of the matter.
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Johnny Knoxville.
DUH.
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On the other hand, they probably squabble even more than the Marauders do. I think it's a draw.
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I think they would fight to an eventual stalemate, though not before complete chaos ruled and several laws of time/the Ministry had been broken. Then Borusa and Dumbledore would arrive to be very stern at them.
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Ooh, I want to write this but I don't know enough about Theta Sigma and the others.
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Write it! There isn't much to know about Theta and the others. Everything about them is total fan invention, I swear.
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As for letter #2... love the ambiguity. Oh. My. God. What did you do to cause them to sacrifice chocolate at your feet like that? APPARENTLY YOU ARE SOME SORT OF LIBRARY GOD.
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