It seems it's written, but we can't read between the lines; hush, it's okay, dry your eyes...

[raven]

My apologies if I've been cutting you off on MSN or Trillian or not replying to your LJ comments or stuff like that; neither computer is working properly and I've given up on trying to fix them. Pedar's computer refuses to cut and paste anything, and also refuses to open links in a new window. My computer just slows down to the rate of a catatonic somnabulistic Cambrian snail, so.

I don't feel so good. Bad enough to use "good" instead of "well" because "well" doesn't have the ring to it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's school, I don't know. Now that I say that, it has the peculiar flavour I do associate with school; that crushing feeling of boredom and irritation at how fucking boring they all are, how shallow and meaningless, how little they care. "They" excludes of course the usual suspects, but of them, there are so few left. They're gone and I miss them.

So yes, it's school. It's school, and general boredom, it's that stupid, stupid Crosby Herald article that got waved in my face so many times today, it's the safe and sound knowledge that my mother won, she got me doing the A-level subjects she wanted me to do, it's the fact my grandmother seems to think I'm stupid and nothing near as good and traditional as any of her other grandchildren, it's the fact I have only two years before the Inevitable Discussion becomes an Inevitable Decision, it's something about the darkness in the room crushing me the same way my family are trying to do, and I don't know any more.

For the first time in weeks, I want to go to bed. I want to lie under the covers and listen this album, Sleeping with Ghosts, or to Jack off Jill, or something along those lines, and fall asleep and never wake up.

And I don't want to wear a fucking tail.

Comments

[cucharita.livejournal.com]

awwws poor little raven. I think my computer used to do that, refuse to copy and paste and won't open in a new window. But it was usually fixed by a restart. I don't know why it would start though. Try doing a scan disk or something? That tends to fix any problems on my computer, usually for a while anyway.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It fixes itself on a restart and a scandisk; it just starts happening again so quickly that it's annoying. Anyway, we're having a man in to see to the network, so maybe I'll ask him.

[tygermoonfoxx.livejournal.com]

I don't unfortunately have many suggestions for you; it seems that you're being pushed in several directions that you're either not ready to or unwilling to travel. I can understand the power that parents exert; because of my mother, I ended up a journalism major (which I couldn't have made into a career, I'm too ugly and the professors told me so). I didn't switch to English until it was too late and I never finished that. My grandmother is also problematic; she likes to play her grandchildren off of one another and I'm the current low one on the totem because I moved to Florida....away from them. I love my family but if I'd had to stay there, I would have killed them.

Anyhow, this isn't about me really. I just wanted you to know that someone older understands your predicament and thinks that your reactions are totally normal.

As for the tail....*ahem* It's what I DO to overcome some of my depressive states ;) I don't think I took any pictures over the week, but I will next time just to make you laugh.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I think that's all I need; to know I'm not alone, and thank you. I had an idea that you taught English - did I pick that up somewhere or did I just make that up?

I would love to see your version of wearing tails. Bet yours are prettier than me!

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

*huggles*
My parents pretty much forced me into uni instead of the course I wanted to do which was closer to home. If you feel really unhappy after giving it all a go, please talk to somebody, even if you don't feel you can talk to your family. It's really no fun being dragged through something you don't wanna do. I'm only holding out because the work is something i will enjoy in the end...
xx

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*huggles back*
Thank you. You know, I'm quite jealous of you - whenever you talk about animals, you can hear so clearly how much you love them. And that is a Good Thing.

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

What can I say... I've had 19 and a half years to work out what i wanted to do with myself. I can't imagine a world without animals ^_^
aww... thank you...*huggles*
xx

[fragility-lily.livejournal.com]

Fuck 'em. That's all I can tell you and I wish it could be something more constructive, something that would fix it all, make the world less scary and unsettling. Yes, they're your family and I suppose you love, or care strongly about them. They're important to you. Instinctually, you want to please them, make them proud. But there's times when you just have to say, "Sorry, mum, Pedar, Dadi, but I have to do this for me. I love you all, and I'm sorry that this will hurt you and make you angry and disappointed with me, but I have to do this, because in the end, it's my life, no matter how high or what your aspirations are for me." Remember, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how impossible it seems that in the end, if you try, your life will turn out the way you want it to. If you let others choose your path for you, then maybe you'll end up with their approval. But you won't have your own. Resignation, maybe, a feeling of determination to make the most of the lot you've ended up with, but not your own approval, support and pride. You've got one shot at this, Iona, and that's really scary. So make the most of it.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Mary, I'm often startled at exactly how wise beyond your years you are, and this is another example of it. You're right. Of course, you're right. My difficulty is not whether I'll make the right choice; my problem is whether I'll have the courage to go through with it once I've made it.

Thank you. Not just for this comment, but for caring enough to help, to observe so many details, for just... well. For just being generally cool.

Flustered!

[fragility-lily.livejournal.com]

Oh...well, you're welcome.

Re: Flustered!

[fragility-lily.livejournal.com]

And don't worry, you will have the courage. Once you realize that, "Hey, I can do this!" it's pretty smooth sailing. There's going to be moments of doubt, but God, when isn't there?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_detroit/]

has jessica got any friends? is she in your form? tellmex

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Ah, blah. She was sort of hanging around with Louise, and then not; then Bethan, and then not; that kind of thing. Can't say I was paying all that much attention.

She addressed two words to me this afternoon. I'm honoured.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry; no, she's not in my form. Don't know which one she's in, actually, except it's not with Meg or Kat either.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_detroit/]

:/
how small are the new thirds? who left noticeably and who smells?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

The thirds would fit in your pockets. And, ooh, there is something you might want to know - but that will go in my next entry as it ought to be friends-only.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_detroit/]

there si no next entry on livejournal. ohgod,, the suspense