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Well, today has just been a crock of shit, hasn't it?
I don't like the fact that the one highlight of the day has been a post on LJ. (It was this one, for the record). But, for the record, much as I do love my LJ, it's my journal. It provides a means of recording things. If nothing happens to me, then it's not going to have much of a purpose.
I'm not saying my life is boring at the moment. I'm horribly busy. Every second thing I do has to do with UCAS forms. It's the only reason for my existence. And maybe perhaps I'd like to have more of a reason for my existence than that.
Whenever I start to feel my mood dropping, my energy levels go with it, and besides I haven't been sleeping at all in the last few days. Yesterday, in the sunlight in the morning, I had a free and was writing a Politics essay, but somehow I fell asleep. I didn't think I was that tired. But for some reason I seem to want to shut down all the time I'm awake.
People are annoying me. Becca and Katrina and co. have gone off to The George tonight. I didn't want to go. But I wouldn't have minded being invited. The fact I wasn't is just a reminder that I seem to have no effect on other people. They know me, they know my name, but when it comes right down to it, no-one in my real life, whom I see every day, seems to care about my existence. I was sitting by the window, reading The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, and I think I must have sat there for two hours together, in a crowded, noisy common room, without a single person actually turning to speak to me.
And it's my fault. Oh, I know it is. The truth is, I don't want to be associated with most of these people. Some annoy me, some definitely rub me up the wrong way, but a lot of people just bore me. Maybe I'm so lost in my own little world that I'm losing the ability to relate to people on a daily basis. But then, I do have friends, sometimes. I don't know.
But I don't care; I'm happy and numb. I got home to find that there is in fact someone who has had a worse day than me, and I'm hoping she'll talk to me.
I don't like the fact that the one highlight of the day has been a post on LJ. (It was this one, for the record). But, for the record, much as I do love my LJ, it's my journal. It provides a means of recording things. If nothing happens to me, then it's not going to have much of a purpose.
I'm not saying my life is boring at the moment. I'm horribly busy. Every second thing I do has to do with UCAS forms. It's the only reason for my existence. And maybe perhaps I'd like to have more of a reason for my existence than that.
Whenever I start to feel my mood dropping, my energy levels go with it, and besides I haven't been sleeping at all in the last few days. Yesterday, in the sunlight in the morning, I had a free and was writing a Politics essay, but somehow I fell asleep. I didn't think I was that tired. But for some reason I seem to want to shut down all the time I'm awake.
People are annoying me. Becca and Katrina and co. have gone off to The George tonight. I didn't want to go. But I wouldn't have minded being invited. The fact I wasn't is just a reminder that I seem to have no effect on other people. They know me, they know my name, but when it comes right down to it, no-one in my real life, whom I see every day, seems to care about my existence. I was sitting by the window, reading The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, and I think I must have sat there for two hours together, in a crowded, noisy common room, without a single person actually turning to speak to me.
And it's my fault. Oh, I know it is. The truth is, I don't want to be associated with most of these people. Some annoy me, some definitely rub me up the wrong way, but a lot of people just bore me. Maybe I'm so lost in my own little world that I'm losing the ability to relate to people on a daily basis. But then, I do have friends, sometimes. I don't know.
But I don't care; I'm happy and numb. I got home to find that there is in fact someone who has had a worse day than me, and I'm hoping she'll talk to me.
