All the anger and the eloquence are bleeding into fear

[raven]

Well, today has just been a crock of shit, hasn't it?

I don't like the fact that the one highlight of the day has been a post on LJ. (It was this one, for the record). But, for the record, much as I do love my LJ, it's my journal. It provides a means of recording things. If nothing happens to me, then it's not going to have much of a purpose.

I'm not saying my life is boring at the moment. I'm horribly busy. Every second thing I do has to do with UCAS forms. It's the only reason for my existence. And maybe perhaps I'd like to have more of a reason for my existence than that.

Whenever I start to feel my mood dropping, my energy levels go with it, and besides I haven't been sleeping at all in the last few days. Yesterday, in the sunlight in the morning, I had a free and was writing a Politics essay, but somehow I fell asleep. I didn't think I was that tired. But for some reason I seem to want to shut down all the time I'm awake.

People are annoying me. Becca and Katrina and co. have gone off to The George tonight. I didn't want to go. But I wouldn't have minded being invited. The fact I wasn't is just a reminder that I seem to have no effect on other people. They know me, they know my name, but when it comes right down to it, no-one in my real life, whom I see every day, seems to care about my existence. I was sitting by the window, reading The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, and I think I must have sat there for two hours together, in a crowded, noisy common room, without a single person actually turning to speak to me.

And it's my fault. Oh, I know it is. The truth is, I don't want to be associated with most of these people. Some annoy me, some definitely rub me up the wrong way, but a lot of people just bore me. Maybe I'm so lost in my own little world that I'm losing the ability to relate to people on a daily basis. But then, I do have friends, sometimes. I don't know.

But I don't care; I'm happy and numb. I got home to find that there is in fact someone who has had a worse day than me, and I'm hoping she'll talk to me.

Comments

[language-idling.livejournal.com]

Me too. Often.

I love you. *hug* Feel better, eh?

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

This sentiment is very familiar to me, so I know this might not help at all, but -- I care about your existence. Very much, in fact. And you have had and will continue to have an effect on me, even without my ever having met you.

The Simple Strawberries

[lachrymoserose.livejournal.com]

Ah, I feel exactly the same way you do towards others. Most people outright bother me to the depths of my soul but that doesn't mean I like being completely alone either. Anyways, I think if people can't tell what a wonderful person you are than they just don't deserve any of your time. I also think there is absolutely nothing wrong with becoming lost in one's own world because sometimes that is the only place where you are free to be who you are and like the things you like without others questioning you or trying to change you into another mindless, crowd-following, boring person like they are and sometimes its just easier have to just deal with yourself than those others who spend most of their time driving you insane.

Oh and I know this is a really random thing to ask, but I was wondering if you had a list of books or movies you'd recommend watching because I actually have a break now and have nothing to do and have run out of good literature and was hoping you'd be able to recommend some.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

I recognise most of those feelings-- especially "a lot of people just bore me"-- but at the moment it's "Every second thing I do has to do with UCAS forms" that's most familiar. Looking a university websites. Working out what I might want to study. Working out what I-- having barely done curricular let alone extra curricular activities for years-- can put down to prove I'm the sort of person they want. Planning for the UCAS convention in Islington on Tuesday. And so on.

But, whatever your real life might be like, remember: I care how you are. For starters, soon I'm going to want you to co-write with me again-- I've written some opening scenes for the sequelmonster, but I'm not terribly sure about any of them.

{{hugs}}

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

Blah to UCAS *nods muchly* They're making my life hell as i try and order other prospectuses...
xx

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Oh, blah. I feel for you. The UCAS year is indeed a truly crappy one. But I'll bet you a fiver that without even adding a single new extra-curricular activities, you'll get into some damn good universities with some brilliant courses.

Take heart: it really doesn't last forever. It truly sucks while you're going through it and I remember collapsing in tears when i got a D in my French mock, because it felt like my entire life was telescoping down into three letters. But you're really bright, and you will do well, and you will get through it.