more than just a number / say their name

[raven]

What with All The Things, I have been signed off work until 12 May, not without some kerfuffling. (By which I mean, I was sure earlier would be better and instead it's my esteemed third lawyer who's all for it.) They do seem to be pleased at the thought of getting me back on 12 May though so I'm choosing to believe they're not actually wishing to be shot of me. I'm spending the time not reading (not for lack of trying! I bounce from thing to thing) and not writing (I have editor's notes coming on a novelette that sold last week, but I'd be happy if he lost them down the sofa for a week or two, really, as well as a shape for a novel revision that I'm not going to touch until I feel a lot better) and not really doing much of anything. I go on long walks and listen to podcasts. Yesterday I went swimming (thanks to rmc28 who opened my eyes to the possibility) and it was wonderful. I mean, odd and covid-restricted of course - most notably, you can't go into the changing rooms to start with! You have to pile your stuff at the poolside, swim, and only then are you allowed behind the curtain to dry off - but meditative and relaxing and wonderful for all that. The pool at Highbury caught fire just before the pandemic began and they've spent the months of lockdown finishing off the refurb, so everything just gleams with newness and gratitude. I'm going back tomorrow.

Grief is something, isn't it? Rippling out from a point of impact both into the future and the past. I miss Phoebe very much, and my dad too. I am hoping that some day it won't be so bad as it is now, or at least, not bad in the same way, and the point of this time is to take just one step in that direction. It's strange, I think; I was always of the view it's better to be doing some work, even in times of crisis; it's better to have something of your own going on. I still think that's a good philosophy - god knows there have been times in the last year where my work was the only thing reminding me I was a real person - but I have come into another place now. This is the longest period I've spent without doing any work since the summer before I began my training, which was 2011.

I have done a lot in the last ten years, so perhaps it really is high time not to do anything. And even if I'd spent the decade sitting on my arse, it would still be time for long walks and podcasts. In this year, in this minute and hour, I've done enough.

Comments

[toft]

I'm glad you're both getting and taking rest. God swimming sounds good though.

[raven]

thank you, friend. <3 I hope you can go swimming soon too, it's been a balm.

[lovelythings]

I definitely think it's time for you to do nothing. You didn't get your good lake times. You deserve a break.

[raven]

Thank you friend, I think you're right! <3

[mirabile]

Swimming is a miraculous activity; just getting into the water changes how I feel. I'm so glad you're swimming! And yes, you've done enough and deserve a rest. My thoughts are with you.

[raven]

Me, too! I have this habit of forgetting how much I love the pool and going months without it, and then I go back and remember all over again. <333

[philomytha]

I'm glad you're getting a rest, sometimes nothing is the best thing to do. And swimming is fantastic. My best memories of the past year are the times I went swimming in the sea. <3

[raven]

Mine are swimming on Hampstead Heath, it's such a pleasure. :)

[soupytwist]

Work can be great and helpful if you're up to doing it: if you really aren't, then nope. And I don't think anyone at all could possibly blame you for not being up to it at this time. You deserve love, and comfort, and time to recharge when your batteries are just depeleted. You have absolutely done enough.

I love you so much.

[raven]

I love you too and you're very wise. <3333

[kass]

You have indeed done enough.

It is my experience that grief eventually does shift from a sharp pain into a quieter ache, and eventually transmutes again. But I know of no way to speed up that process other than living day by day and feeling the feelings as they come. Thinking of you and yours.

[raven]

Thank you, my friend. That helps to hear. <3

[umadoshi]

I'm really glad you're giving yourself a break.

[raven]

Me too. <3

[alittleacademe]

Hello, I have a splitting headache so this may be badly written but 1) I am glad you’re having time off, I am all for this, and 2) I hope your extended family in India are all safe and physically well (I don’t see how anyone can be mentally well in the current awful situation). I have been thinking of them and you.

[raven]

Thank you, you're very kind. <333

[brainwane]

I hope the last few days have been as nourishing as possible for you.