I've been crying to it all of my life

[raven]

It's turning into a clean and chilly autumn, here. Several things make a post:

1. It's National Coming Out Day (in America). I hate National Coming Out Day. Have I mentioned that? I hate National Coming Out Day. I'd hate it less if it were called National Coming Out While White, Male And Otherwise Privileged Day or even, to paraphrase thingswithwings, National Stop Being A Jerk To Queers Day. That would be great and I would celebrate that every year with balloons and a parade.

I have said this before: if only it were that simple. If only we weren't brown, with brown families; if only we hadn't found our hearts' calling in old, unflinching professions; if only our own communities didn't turn on us as easily as everyone else; if only we didn't make other choices every day, if only you could make choices in a vacuum, if only it were as easy as one day a year. (If you could avoid coming out as brown, would you? I'm not sure. Of course you can't, or at least you quite often can't: so I own that choice, and in recent years have deliberately chosen every day to live a brown life. To paraphrase thingswithwings again, people who argue from the position that being queer is not a choice and people should be accepted as queer because they're born that way - those people deny that queer identities, lives and histories are to be celebrated. I think the same thing about being brown, mostly, which is hard: because it's not like it's easy to be brown in a white-dominated society (and world), but it's less easy still when you can never quite be brown enough, or brown in the right ways, for the community you come from. This is why I got rid of the woman who was teaching me Hindi script for a while. "Soon you'll have caught up!" she enthused. I said, caught up with whom, exactly, as dryly as possible, gave her her money and never went back. I have no patience for those who believe that being brown isn't a continuously evolving process - that I, here, on the cusp of a new world, am not as much brown as my grandfather, who loved me, and would never have me remade.

But making one choice like that is hard; making another is not one I wish to make. My respect and kudos to those who do.)

I did come out to a friend yesterday. I told her, honestly, that I feel comfortable telling my friends I'm queer here on my own territory; at the time I knew her first I was living in another country, and they do things differently there. Someone at work today said something awful about queer people today; I said, again dryly, that around one in ten people is LGBT and there were more than ten people in the room. I am very far from being a crusader. There's the spiel.

2. I was blown away by Julia Gillard addressing the Australian House of Representatives on the sexism and misogyny of the Leader of the Opposition. Just... blown away. I'm embarrassed by how little I know about Australian politics - I wrote a paper once on Australian reproductive rights law and that is the sum of my knowledge - and I don't know much about how Gillard's government has served its people in other ways. But this did my heart good.

3. So next week I am seeing both Dar Williams and the Gaslight Anthem! I am super-excited about both, but particularly the Gaslight Anthem, because I love Dar Williams, I love her, I want to get I am the one who lives with the ocean tattooed on me at some point, but at heart it's a reasonable and rational grown-up love. Something about the Gaslight Anthem bypasses my brain and goes straight to etched-into-my-bones, stars-in-my-eyes, every-word-handwritten-in-my-heart-oh. Shim says he often comes into a room and thinks, "why's she listening to early Springsteen - oh." I just, oh, oh, the Gaslight Anthem.

(I sometimes think I will grow out of being a fangirl. And then I think, wouldn't that be growing out of love.)

3. Speaking of fannish love. I am watching Fringe again. I stopped round about halfway through season 4 and now it's back and I want to get caught up for the finale. I stopped round about "A Short Story About Love" - because urgh. No. Olivia in the season 4 universe is another Olivia - but like them all she is wonderful. I love the idea of her being raised by Nina. I am fascinated by what she did to her stepfather. And I just, I refuse to believe she would destroy all that. I just. I love Olivia and Peter but not that much. But I'm actually enjoying it just as much as I was, once I'd got past that - because oh, Fringe.

The thing is I am not even fannish about Fringe. I'm not, though - I don't really want to write fic about it or meta about it or whatever. (Icons and gifs, though - hiiii, there are no non-beautiful people in this cast.) I guess the reason for that is, I believe it's a complete story: there are no shadowy gaps in the edges of Fringe, at least not the character ones, the ones I want to fill, because you see the whole thing evolve bit by bit. I especially love what they do in "Peter" and "Subject 13", it's a much better approach than say, The X-Files, which would drizzle the backstory out over five seasons and then fizzle unimpressively at the end anyway. No, I'm not bitter.

("Subject 13", though! Peter on the lake, surrounded by ice - that destroys me.)

4. There is no number 4. No, wait, there is a number 4! I have started to watch Babylon 5, after tau_sigma lent it to me, and. And. Well, it's pretty bad, isn't it. It's really bad. The acting is so bad. But, I love Londo and G'Kar and I think they should do stand-up. I think the whole show would be better if it were called Londo and G'Kar: Live At The Apollo. I also love Ivanova, Delenn and kinda sorta, Lennier. And the worldbuilding, a little - I made noises of total delight at some throwaway line about waiting in line at the toilets for methane-breathers - and people tell me I'll like it from the second season, so I keep watching it. But I tell you guys, it's a good thing I'm a sucker for a portentous opening narration.

And otherwise, I keep on going on. My job is quite dull at the moment; I wrote a very long and very complicated letter today; this weekend I had planned to do nothing but watch Fringe and eat Swedish Fish, but I suspect there may be work involved. And so on.

Comments

[musesfool]

Where'd you get them scars?
How blue is your heart?
Is it sad enough to break?
She said, it's sad enough to break
How long was your life?
Was it cold and strange like mine?
Are you man enough to lay here?
She said, I'm man enough, my baby
Come see about me

[raven]

American girls, they want the whole world
They want every last little light in New York City

[philomytha]

Babylon 5! I thoroughly enjoyed it, cheesiness and bad acting and all. :-) Especially Delenn and Lennier, who appealed to my loyalty kink quite a lot in some places. And G'kar and Londo were magnificent all the way through. There are some hair-tearingly bad bits, but there are also some great bits, and yes, nice world-building too.

[raven]

Ohhhh, you and everyone who likes things I like keep telling me this! I shall persevere. :)

[raven]

Ha, that's the thing! It is terrible and somehow I have watched twelve episodes of it. Once I'm caught up on Fringe I think I will go back to it and wait for it to get good. :)

[happydork]

Like you, I know little to nothing about Gillard, but yes, that speech, that speech. I couldn't look away. Because yes.

[raven]

For me, it's how she never falters: how she goes on talking in complete, elaborate, killer sentences. I just... I loved it.

[soupytwist]

1. I really do fucking adore the way you render palpable in words the sheer depth of existence. You don't let the words get away with making things sound simplistic or easy. Um, that is maybe kind of a weird comment. I am glad you're you, is more or less what I mean.

2. OMG LOVE. I also know very very little about Australia except that one time one of their prime ministers walked into the sea and never came back, but that video... yeah. I think the bit that I love about it most is that that, right there, is a woman with authority, who is still a woman and is not ashamed of it or trying not to be. She's just saying her piece, because she is the Prime Minister and she GETS TO DO THAT. *flail*

(Also, opposition dude's face going from "smug smug smug" to "oh shit she's GOT THE GOODS" is epic.)

3. Maybe I should watch that.

4. YES LONDO AND G'KAR YES YES ABSOLUTELY. That needs to be a show, except in the way where [REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED]. Oh my goodness and you haven't even finished season one yet. It really does get SO much better and all the worldbuilding stuff pays off (or at least I think it does, and that they do some really cool stuff with it) and urgh. *fanflail*

In case there was any doubt, I am nearly 100% certain that it would take giving up on all love and happiness and joy to stop being a fan. :)

[raven]

1. Oh, honey! That is so nice to hear, seriously. :)

2. I love that story about the guy who walked into the sea and never came back ENTIRELY TOO MUCH. It's kind of morbid, finding that fascinating, isn't it? Don't answer that. Anyway, yes, I am totally like, I have no real incisive comment to make, but <333333 omg.

3. I actually think you would really like Fringe. It seems to be a lot like Babylon 5 in that it has a hideous rocky first season with a couple of good episodes, and then from the s1 finale it hits its stride in a screaming hurry and it's AMAZING, really. if you ever do decide to watch it, hit me up. :)

4. So I have two more episodes of Fringe, then I'm caught up, and then I'm back to the Londo and G'Kar show. I really, really want to like this show! Here's hoping! And in the meantime I really do love G'Kar. He's so catty, it's amazing.

[brightlywoven]

Juuuuuuuuuuuuuli-aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

I know quite a bit about Australian politics, and believe me, if you knew more about the leader of the opposition, you'd think her speech was EVEN BETTER THAN IT SEEMS.
<3<3<3

[raven]

oh, oh, I wholly believe it. His FACE as she destroyed him.

[avendya]

I sometimes think I will grow out of being a fangirl. And then I think, wouldn't that be growing out of love.

♥ ♥ ♥

That sentence is everything I love about being fannish.

[avendya]

also, permission to quote that?

[raven]

Oh, sure, absolutely!

[forthwritten]

For point 1: *hugs* and much queer brown person love and rage and solidarity.

[raven]

thank you, my dear.

[livrelibre]

1. Yes, and in many ways gpoy <3

2. Wow!

3. Oliviaaaa!

4. Hang in there. The S1 slog is deadly but it pays off.

[raven]

1. I think we talked about it over dinner one time? It sucks, doesn't it. It really does. How are you, ma'am? Long time no speak!

[livrelibre]

Yeah, I think we did (though my memory is sliding into decrepitude even faster than I am). And yet despite everything, life keeps rolling and is going pretty well for me:) And I hope for you too.

[marymac]

1. Oh, I agree. There's this implication in it that its easy and it just makes me get growly and 'fuck you'-y. I wish it was easy. I wish my favourite intern hadn't felt he needed to wait until his classmate had left to come out to the rest of the office, I wish my best friend wasn't still dealing with the family fallout four years down the line, and if wishes were horses, I know.

3. JEALOUS. No Gaslight Anthem for Belfast this year. I disapprove! Immensely! Even if I can totally understand never wanting to set foot in the Ulster Hall again.

4. It is terrible, but it is awesome and beautiful and season 2 really is much better with plenty of the Londo and G'Kar show and also some of Ivanova's more immortal 'WTF HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?' faces.

ETA: Also, did you catch the three female MPs glaring daggers the whole way through Gillard's speech as the sole female Opposition MP in shot slid ever lower in her seat? Thing of beauty and a joy forever.

[raven]

YES. They were so amazingly RIGHTEOUS. There was nothing I didn't love about the whole fifteen-minute speech. AMAZING. In this world of awful misogyny and homophobia, it did my heart such good.

I am very sorry there is no Gaslight for you! They are the best, I love them so and I am SO EXCITED.

[jamethiel]

Re: Gillard, unfortunately, I do not approve of her everything. She is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to call out Abbott--he is a smug, misogynist git, but Julia herself is anti gay marriage (that is a view expressed when both the majority of the Australian public AND the majority of her own party are in favour of it. But maybe she's just trying to avoid controversy.), has reduced single parent benefits, and instituted offshore processing for refugees :S

But that speech was--wow. She had him, and she NAILED HIM to the bench and she kept hammering and didn't put up with shit. And I'm amazed at how the Opposition just got grimmer and grimmer and every time they tried to challenge her she just said "You said it. Check the records."

GO GILLARD!

[raven]

Oh, absolutely I take in what you're saying - it's so hard to say anything about a political actor without the weight of context. But... still. I hope other elected representatives learn from this.

[ladymercury-10.livejournal.com]

I have no patience for those who believe that being brown isn't a continuously evolving process - that I, here, on the cusp of a new world, am not as much brown as my grandfather, who loved me, and would never have me remade.

Oh, wow, thank you. I am a biracial desi, and I never feel I am brown enough, although no one has ever been so cruel as to tell me I am failing at being Indian, or whatever. I always feel I am faking it, that I'm putting it on when I talk about in India, this or when I wear a salwar kameez, or whatever. But it's my family, too, even if I don't look or sound the way anyone expects. And my family has, as you say of your grandfather, always loved me and wanted me the same as I am, and so this means a lot to me.

Someone at work today said something awful about queer people today; I said, again dryly, that around one in ten people is LGBT and there were more than ten people in the room.

That's a fabulous comeback. I will try to keep it in mind the next time someone's being horrible.

I sometimes think I will grow out of being a fangirl. And then I think, wouldn't that be growing out of love.

Ahhh, this!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's always hard, isn't it? Always never enough; always the internal fight. I'm glad you found something of value, here, and many hugs.

[ladymercury-10.livejournal.com]

Awww, thanks. *hugs back*

[wishfulaces.livejournal.com]

Have you ever read the Benjamin January novels by Barbara Hambly? Set in 1830s New Orleans, they're mystery novels but really they're stories about people passing, and communities, and navigating how to live one's life the way one chooses when others try to take those choices away. (What you say about National Coming Out Day made me think of these books.)

I'm just starting season 3 of Babylon5 because my boyfriend basically snuck it in on me and now I can't stop. It grows on you. The first season should indeed by the Londo & G'Kar Show, and later--oh, later, well, you'll see. But yes, stick with it for the characters.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I have not, and I really want to! I shall keep an eye for them, they sound just the sort of thing I'd like.

You are one of many people whose opinions I place weight on who's told me to stick with Babylon 5! I shall keep on keeping on. :)

[icepixie]

I share your "Oh, Fringe, no" thoughts in regards to part of S4, but I think it did get better by the end of the season. This season...will be interesting. Let's just say that.

YOU WILL TOTALLY COME TO LOVE BABYLON 5 I SWEAR. There are episodes of S1 you can safely skip without missing anything of importance. I will write you a list if you like. But by the second season, yes, the bad acting and the at-times-terrible dialogue fade into the background and the story takes over and YES, it totally all works.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I agree! I liked the end of it, and I hope season 5 ends the show as a whole nicely. I don't think it's the sort of show that could run to many more, so I'm glad it's ending respectably.

PLEASE WRITE ME A LIST, PLEASE. Someone did that for me for season 1 of Fringe and I was VERY GRATEFUL.

[icepixie]

S5 is...I don't even know. I feel like I'm watching a whole other show that shares some characters with Fringe, but is not actually Fringe. I hope they tie it all together with what came before by the end of the season.

A B5 list! These are the ones you have to see:

Midnight on the Firing Line
The Parliament of Dreams
Mind War
And the Sky Full of Stars
Signs and Portents
Legacies
A Voice in the Wilderness (1 and 2)
Babylon Squared
Chrysalis

And here are some thoughts on them all, because there are some episodes that are decent and/or offer good character- or world-building, but are not arc-relevant, and if you want you could definitely skip them now and come back later. Even the ones that are awful do tend to have some little detail that will be elaborated upon later, but sometimes it's very hard slogging to get to that little detail.

Midnight on the Firing Line - Necessary, obviously.

Soul Hunter - I liked the fantasy concept it's built on, but it never really comes back except in a terrible TV movie. Delenn is pretty cool in this, but she's always cool.

Born to the Purple - This is a good Londo episode and I think it's good for Ivanova and my pet ship of Ivanova/Garibaldi, but it's skippable.

Infection - This is AWFUL, skip it skip it skip it.

The Parliament of Dreams - Fun, funny, good background on the universe and characters, and there's a scene that will be absolutely hilarious in retrospect, sometime in S3.

Mind War - Some arc-relevant stuff. Also worth it for G'Kar's amaaaaazing speech at the end, and some good background on telepaths.

The War Prayer - Eh, not that great as an episode, but if you like the Centauri, this has some good world-building where they're concerned.

And The Sky Full Of Stars - IMO, it's dull, but it's also very necessary to the plot.

Deathwalker - Bleh. Skip it.

Believers - I enjoyed it for the blatant "Look how much we are not Star Trek!" ending, and I like anything where Franklin is featured, but this has no bearing on the arc.

Survivors - Oh, god, this is terrible. Skip it.

By Any Means Necessary - The story is actually really good (for S1), and I love the depth it gives to the universe. It's also a decent Londo/G'Kar episode. But it doesn't pertain to the arc.

Signs and Portents - Sets up a lot of arc-y stuff.

TKO - Godawful.

Grail - I personally hate this episode, but a lot of people really like it. Depends on your tolerance for Arthurian myth and bad dialogue.

Eyes - Ivanova vs. the Psi Corps! Worth it for that plotline, IMO, but the others are meh, and it's not really arc-relevant.

Legacies - Worth it for the Delenn parts, the details about the Minbari, the introduction of an important reoccurring character, and if Ivanova/Talia interests you, there's that too.

A Voice in the Wilderness, Babylon Squared, Chrysalis - All super arc-relevant. "Babylon Squared" annoys me, but I have my own idiosyncratic issues with it.

Quality of Mercy - Not arc-relevant, but it's not bad.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this! I really appreciate the time you took over it. I will be back to tell you what I think of it all!

[macadamanaity.livejournal.com]

I don't really want to write fic about it or meta about it or whatever. (Icons and gifs, though - hiiii, there are no non-beautiful people in this cast.) I guess the reason for that is, I believe it's a complete story: there are no shadowy gaps in the edges of Fringe, at least not the character ones, the ones I want to fill, because you see the whole thing evolve bit by bit.

EXACTLY. And I don't even have the 'what if' questions like "What if X never existed" or "what if Y traveled to a parallel universe and met herself" or "what if Z were herself but with one thing changed" or "what [thing I'm pretty sure is a spoiler for you so I won't say it]" or .. really anything. This show is ALL about what if -- constant characterization, endlessly variable context. I love it.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh my SHOW, I love it sooooo. I am so nearly caught up - halfway through "In Absentia" now, and when I'm done we need to DISCUSS. Oh shooooow.

(You're at NYCC while I'm writing this. *jealous liek woah*)

[khalinche.livejournal.com]

I have no patience for those who believe that being brown isn't a continuously evolving process - that I, here, on the cusp of a new world, am not as much brown as my grandfather, who loved me, and would never have me remade.

I thought that this whole post is thought-provoking and lovely, as per, but this phrase in particular is a breathtaking piece of writing.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. :) It's something not only dear to my heart but is my heart, I believe.

[eglantine-br.livejournal.com]

I did not know about Gaslight Anthem. Went right over to itunes and checked them out. (After all, you steered me right with The Weepies.)

Thank you-- for music and for thoughts and words. Your posts never disappoint.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you, too. :) I hope you like the Gaslight Anthem! They are very different from the Weepies but I LOVE THEM SO.

[subservient-son.livejournal.com]

I gave up on Babylon 5 midway through season 3. G'Kar, Londo and Ivanova were the only good things about it, I thought. I still get cold looks from people when I admit this.

Sorry I don't have anything to contribute on the more serious aspects of your post, but I did find it interesting reading, so thank you.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :) We shall see how I get on with Babylon 5!

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

I hope we never grow out of being fangirls <3
xx

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

me toooo. :)

[excitedrainbow.livejournal.com]

Oh god, as a queer Chinese Brit who speaks no Chinese languages, currently living in China, everything about this post hits me right in the gut. Thank you for so eloquently and simply writing about your experiences. Is it ok for me to quote you on my blog? (Also, er, hi! I lurk around and love your blog immensely - you write beautifully and thoughtfully about everything in your life, I come away entertained and educated all the time).

JULIA GILLARD! I lived in Australia for a few months and was not impressed by either of the main parties, but Tony Abbott is a hateful man and that entire speech with all those cited quotations gave me stars in my eyes. I wish her other policies would be better, but I do adore how forthright and angry she was about this. It's about time Australia examined itself and hopefully this will be a springboard.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Hello! It's nice to meet you, and of course you may quote me. :) I hope China is treating you well otherwise.

I don't seem to be impressed by the main parties anywhere, these days, but gosh, Gillard was good, wasn't she? Just perfect.