state of the raven

[raven]

Here is how I am. Conversation with the nice people at the vegan cafe: "Iona! Iced or regular?"

"Regular," I said, as usual completely delighted they didn't ask the preceding question.

"How can you drink regular coffee on a day like this?" - while getting it for me and not asking about the half and half and no sugar.

"It's my third," I said, and did not point out the fact of its being 2pm because the clock loomed over it all, ticking, ticking, ticking the ten or eleven days I have to do everything in the world.

The bad:

-My first exam in a week, followed by a twenty-four hour exam, oh god I am dreading it, was instructed today that "some people find sleeping helps during that period", thank you so much adorable con law prof;

-Still 10,000 words to write for two papers, need to turn in a first draft tomorrow, argh;

-...thus spending twelve hours a day in the law school. It's a nice place but it doesn't improve that much through long acquaintance.

-And it doesn't help that the charger on Shim's netbook has got a loose connection, meaning I have to watch the thing like a hawk while waiting for a new one to come, you couldn't last one more week you dratted thing.

The good:

-The weather! Twenty-five degrees and blue sky;

-Having been kept going by A Civil Campaign all of last week, I am now fifty pages into Memory and it's still my favourite, and relatedly people like my story yay!

-the law school's End of Semester Therapeutic Massage Party, all initial caps thankyouverymuch.

The neither good nor bad, I don't know, I have all these feelings, okay:

-In two weeks and four days I will get on a bus to New York City and thence on a flight to Manchester, and leave Ithaca behind, possibly for good. I don't want to go. I don't want to go! I have people and a life and way of being, I have restaurants I like and friends I can talk to about fandom and friends I can talk to about law, and every Wednesday the Siren and Baby E and I have breakfast at 10am in the law school cafeteria and argue cheerfully about First Amendment theory for an hour and I look forward to it enough to get me out of bed in the morning and at the vegan cafe they know my name and give me coffee without asking and my adviser tells me I have promise and I have three full CTB punch-cards and no time to go and order the three most expensive things on the menu and on my way home across the span bridge I cross the gorge at Fall Creek and watch the cataracts smashing off the rocks and feel a little of that intensity for a moment every single day.

And the worst part, this arctic wasteland where polar bears go to die has turned sweetly alluring. Green, rich-smelling turf, new growth, daffodils. Twenty-five degrees in the shade and lightning forking into the gorges and all luscious humidity and heat.

I don't want to go.

Back to work.

Comments

[eruthros]

1) I'm sorry you're so swamped and stressed; I hope it all works out.

2) I will miss you!

3) Memory is my favorite, too.

[raven]

1. thank you, I am bobbing afloat;

2. you toooo;

3. ohmygod, right, I finished it yesterday and handflapped a lot, I love it so much. Ivan's little discovery at the end fills me with such joy.

[livrelibre]

Good luck with everything! And two weeks! :(

[raven]

Thank you! I am not okay with two weeks, no!

[soupytwist]

That sounds incredibly familiar.

You will manage somehow, I feel sure, but *many hugs*.

[raven]

*squish* It suuuuuucks.

[balthaser.livejournal.com]

How is it possible to have a 24 hour exam? That sounds terrible *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's open-book - you get it at 8am on the day and hand it in at 8am the following day. You're not supposed to spent all 24 hours on it, but in practice, well. Thank you for hugs!

[balthaser.livejournal.com]

I wonder if people ever stay up really late then fail to wake up in time to hand it back in at 8? I think that'd be my problem!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Well, you can theoretically get it at any time in a five-day period. So you could go for, say, 5pm, if you were worried about that possibility.

In fact, maybe I should do that.

[vikingwriter.livejournal.com]

I am both sorry and happy for you that you have such trouble contemplating leaving. A full life is a thing to behold and you seem to have a gift for creating them (and sharing them in such a lovely way).

Good luck with the writing and the exam(s). Take care of yourself while you're at it.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

A full life is a thing to behold and you seem to have a gift for creating them

This. Totally agreed.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my dear!

[bookwormsarah.livejournal.com]

Manchester and beyond will welcome you back, but I am sure that you will be sorely missed in Ithaca. There is a strange wrench when you leave a place you don't feel quite finished with.

As an aside, I am sure you will be busy when you are back but if you are ever in the Manchester area and fancy meeting up, do let me know.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

That's exactly it, you know. I wasn't ready to leave Oxford three years ago, and I had the choice to stay so I did; but right now, I'm really not feeling finished with Ithaca. I want to see the summer to complement the winter, for one thing, and I'm just settled in, for another!

I would love to meet you! I'll be in Liverpool a decent chunk of the summer, I shall definitely come to Manchester.

[bookwormsarah.livejournal.com]

A year is a remarkably short time (and you've had less than one). When I was growing up I used to get seized by gigantic pangs of "I will never feel exactly this way again, or be happy in just this way with these people", but sometimes songs or smells bring things back vividly (I am listening to Oasis now. I am seventeen again). You will always have a part of Ithaca, and maybe one day you'll go back as a visiting lecturer and teach summer school!

[littlered2.livejournal.com]

The fact that the people at the vegan cafe know you is so nice. I can see why you're sad to be leaving - hopefully Cambridge (is that where you'll be next?) will be just as full of good things in its own way. Good luck with the work.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking about giving them a card when I leave. A little worried it might be weird. I hope not. :) And, thank you!

[tau_sigma]

I am shockingly surprised to find they have daffodils in Ithaca. They are so Welsh! And, by extension, British! I am a crazy simpleton, I know.

You will make such wonderful friends wherever you go; I know it doesn't exactly help with leaving Ithaca, but I'm sure you will be just as loved in Cambridge.

Also, I am excited that you are coming back. We should meet up, yes? I need more geekery and smiles in my life. *g*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Daffodils! Also crocuses, snowdrops, orchids, vines, and several square miles of flower plantations. Cornell really likes its horticulture, it's a beautiful spring.

If I come to Collectormania MK, I think we will meet very soon indeed. :P

[tau_sigma]

Oh, it sounds gorgeous. I wish I could visit! (Not that you'd have the time for a visitor, I imagine, right now!) I was home last week - real home, Malvern, where everything is green and pleasant and even the rainy, foggy days have their appeal. And I miss it, now I'm back in Leeds.

Also OMG YES. And you need a Star Trek dress! Although I guess not if you only come for one day, and it's not the day we're trekking it up. BUT OMG IONA YES. SOOON.

(Wilfully ignoring the 'if', there, yes. *g*)