Fic:: Misremembering the Alamo [DS9]

[raven]

Today's grand revelation: it's amazing how much more enthused I am about washing-up and cleaning when I'm having a party. Sigh.

Anyway! My lgbtfest story, for this prompt: 2942. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Ezri Dax, Ezri wasn't bisexual before being joined with the Dax symbiont, and now she has to adjust.

Fic:: Misremembering the Alamo
by Raven
PG, gen, Deep Space Nine. Ezri & ensemble, figuring stuff out.

---

The first time Ezri Dax saw a woman, it was the blur of the surgeon leaving the room, a mere flutter of movement and curves, and it was nothing at all when seen against the collapse going on inside her head, and she soon forgot.

The second, third, fourth and fifth times Ezri Dax saw a woman, she thought: help me; you're beautiful; whom do you have to screw to book passage around here; oh, hell.

In her quarters aboard Deep Space Nine, with the great sweep of stars revolving past the glass, she remembered Curzon addressing a hall of initiates, his voice filling the space with depth, resonance, certainty. It's not like any of you had sex lives before, you're initiates. A low buzz of laughter. You were in the library. Think of it as a treat that awaits you on the joining.

Another initiate had written a formal open letter to the Commission to state, baldly, that the issue had deserved more than being fodder for off-colour humour. That sexuality was crucial, that mismatched joinings would fail. Jadzia had admired the letter; Curzon had dismissed it with little attention.

"It's not as though you didn't know it, either," Ezri said, to herself in the mirror; she wondered, with her therapist's eye, whether it was an attempt to make the two parts of herself separate, whether it was Dax talking to Ezri Tigan. "Sexuality varies between individuals. A symbiont is a blank space, it takes its sexual desire from its hosts. Ergo, any symbiont with more than one host acquires a plurality of desires."

She sat down, watched that swirl of stars for a while, and thought about joining Starfleet: the work, the family battles, the soaring feeling inside. The things she hadn't had time for, before.

Then she banged her head against the glass. It didn't help, but it made her feel a little better.

*

"I don't understand why it's a problem," Kira said, with, bless her, real confusion on her face. She was having her usual morning raktajino with the usual morning relish. Ezri had given up on trying it; she was drinking juice, made out of fruit that grew in hydroponics bays in New Sydney, where she was born.

"You don't understand why it's a problem?" Ezri said, levelly.

"No, I don't. You didn't like women before but you do now. So date women." Kira took another sip.

Ezri spread her palms. "Nerys, you... you like men, don't you?"

For the first time, Kira looked unsure. "I... think I do? I've only ever... but, Odo isn't. Um, I guess he doesn't have to..."

Ezri lifted a hand. "Catch me on duty for that one. I mean it, by the way. But if suddenly... something happened. Suddenly you thought differently, you wanted differently, something in your whole body was just... different."

Kira sipped her drink again. "Once, I woke up four months pregnant."

Ezri blinked. "Not quite like… maybe like that, I don't know. What was that like?"

"Strange."

Ezri nodded and tasted her juice. "Yeah. Like that."

*

Benjamin Sisko leaned into his pot, breathed in great clouds of cayenne pepper, and said, "I think that this is an entirely inappropriate thing to be discussing with your commanding officer. But it seems I am fated to be met with three incarnations of a symbiont that patently does not care what I think is appropriate."

"I'm sorry," Ezri said, rocking back on her heels. "I really am, but it's not as though I can go to the station's counsellor."

Sisko nodded. "That hasn't escaped me, Lieutenant."

"And with no other joined Trill on the station, you're..." Ezri hesitated. "In some ways, you're the only person who might know something about it. Sir."

"I don't suppose you'd consider talking to the Symbiosis Commission?" he said hopefully, and sighed. "No, point taken, old man. I have a clear and unhelpful image of how that conversation would go."

"I'm sorry," said Ezri again.

He waved a hand. "Try this."

She tasted it, and sneezed. "I'm sorry, I'm not good with pepper either."

He shook his head. "Remind me to take your culinary education well in hand."

Ezri nodded dutifully and sneezed again.

"I don't even know if I can help you," Sisko said, but mildly; from the look on his face he was thinking about spices. "I gave Jake a talk, you know. I didn't let you do it, even though you wanted to. I talked to him about how sexual attraction took many forms and he should always feel free to talk to me. It was a very good talk. I could give it to you, would that help?"

"I don't think so," Ezri said, doubtfully. "It's not like I've forgotten how." She sniffed at the stew, and this time it was better, filling her nose and throat with capsaicin tingles.

He was ladling out onto plates when he said, suddenly, "Jadzia had this problem, too."

"Did she?" Ezri asked, and tried hard not to sneeze.

He was looking at her strangely. "Don't you know?"

"I'm not trained to this!" Ezri wailed. "I don't know how to think, and how to remember, and how..."

"Try," he said, and gave her a big, cheerful grin. "Now eat."

She ate. It was good, and warmed her inside her bones.

*

Jadzia had loved women. She had loved a girl from the town she grew up in; they had had a gentle, summertime romance before all Jadzia's attentions moved to the strict initiate programme, and with reluctance, she had put all other concerns aside – but Jadzia remembered it with nothing but joy and quiet sweetness, like biting into fruit. Reading for her first degree, her lab partner had been a quiet, beautiful woman from the south continent, and Jadzia had loved her, too; they had spent nights together, working late, and walking home together hand in hand.

And between times there had been other women in other places – women with bright eyes, women with red hair and luscious curves, women who caught her attention, even for a moment, made her smile and remember, made her who she was.

Jadzia Dax had loved, too.

"Worf," Ezri said, and he turned to look at her, the emotion vanishing from his face.

"Yes, Lieutenant," he said, still as a statue in the hall of warriors.

"Jadzia loved you," Ezri said, speaking in a rush, "and no matter what happens now or in the future that will always be true."

She turned and walked away before he could say anything else.

*

"Lieutenant," said Quark after a while, "no one here objects to you sitting here as long as you want. But you do need to order something."

Ezri looked at him. "What's the stuff Chief O'Brien and Julian drink?"

"Scotch. But," – Quark was looking uncharacteristically flustered – "how about a nice synthale? Today's special is the Samarian Sunset, or you could have a nice Altarian brandy, or maybe even lemonade..."

Ezri was still looking at him. "Scotch."

"Scotch," Chief O'Brien agreed, spinning around on his barstool and walking around the bar. "Call it Dutch courage if it makes you feel better, Quark."

Quark said, "Humans!" and went to get the drink.

"Do I have to do this, Chief?" Ezri asked, a little desperately, taking a sip from it. It burned worse than the pepper had. She drank the rest of it and gave Quark another look. He scurried off to get another. "Do I really have to? I mean, I know I said... I said I wanted to, and I know I shouldn't be scared, but."

"Remember the Alamo!" O'Brien said, and grinned at Julian, who gave them a cheerful wave from the direction of the dartboard.

"Yeah, Chief," Ezri said, gloomily, "but you lose at the Alamo. You lose every time. Sometimes you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. But you still lose."

"Yeah," O'Brien said, happily, "but here we go again!"

Julian threw his last dart. The board lit up, and he jogged around to join the Chief. "Ready to go?"

"Yes," Ezri said, knocked back the second tumbler and set off up the stairs to the second level. There was a woman sitting alone at a table above the dabo wheels, coming to the end of some sort of colourful cocktail – a Samarian Sunset, Ezri realised – and watching the tongo players cheering below.

"Hi," Ezri said. "My name is Ezri Dax."

The woman looked at her. She was Bajoran, with large blue eyes and cropped hair, and her earring caught and flashed the lights. "Hello, Ezri Dax."

"May I join you?"

After an interminable pause, she nodded. "All right."

Ezri sat down and stared fixedly at the drink. Its owner tapped it, and the clear liquid swirled with luminescent gold. "Are those your friends?" she asked, and pointed downwards. "By the bar?"

"Yes," said Ezri, shakily.

"Why do they have raccoons' tails on their heads?"

Ezri thought for a moment, feeling suddenly spacesick – the soaring feeling in her stomach, its cast of impending doom – and took a deep breath. "I could explain it," she said, "over dinner?"

The woman looked at her and smiled. "I'd like that."

Ezri grinned back. When they set off down the staircase, the woman reached for her hand, and she was aware of the spin of the station, a steady whirl between the stars.

end.

Comments

[juliekarasik.livejournal.com]

Awww. Now I just wanna give Ezri a hug and tell her it'll all be ok. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*grins* Hurrah! Thanks for reading. :)

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

<3<3 The conversation between her and Kira is so lovely! And "I think that this is an entirely inappropriate thing to be discussing with your commanding officer. But it seems I am fated to be met with three incarnations of a symbiont that patently does not care what I think is appropriate." sounds perfect, just like Sisko at his best (ie long-sufferingly sarcastic).

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Yaaay! Glad you liked it, my dear.

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

Aww, that was gorgeous, with a great delicate touch to it. I love Ezri's interactions with Kira and Sisko particularly, and a great sense of the upheaval inherent in the joining process. Lovely.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

[netgirl-y2k.livejournal.com]

Aww, that's lovely.

"I gave Jake a talk, you know. I didn't let you do it, even though you wanted to. I talked to him about how sexual attraction took many forms and he should always feel free to talk to me. It was a very good talk. I could give it to you, would that help?"

♥♥♥

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Heee! Thank you!

[selenak.livejournal.com]

That was lovely. The conversation with Sisko was a particular highlight, but really I loved the entirey story, and Ezri trying to adjust was captured so very, very well.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

*loves*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

<333

[penknife.livejournal.com]

Oh, I like this! It's complicated, but she's figuring it out.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thank you for reading!

[seagullsong.livejournal.com]

This is adorable. Sisko cooking, especially, but all of it. Nice job!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[such_heights]

This is so gentle and gorgeous! I love it. And omg Sisko, he's delightful here. :D

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Sisko = love. :) Thank you!

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed this! The little moments with various people, Kira especially, was so real and sweet and just very DS9. Reminded me why I love the show so much.

And wow, her little comment to Worf really packet a punch. You paced that so wonderfully!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it.

[trovia.livejournal.com]

Aww, this was really sweet. I particularly liked Ezri's conversation with Kira. You made it very clear that she has a very different background, and a hard time understanding the question, but she's trying to be helpful.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. :)

[canadian-plant.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I really enjoyed this. Good use of supporting characters!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

This has just left me with a big smile on my face, particularly the bit with Kira. :-)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*happyface* I do love Kira. Thank you for reading it, my dear.

[tau_sigma]

I love you, and I love Ezri, and I love this fic. That is all.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Yaaay! Everyone should love Ezri. Thank you, my dear.

[youraugustine.livejournal.com]

This is absolutely fantastic.

Then she banged her head against the glass. It didn't help, but it made her feel a little better.

The headwall technique can be useful like that.

If I were to quote the Kira bits it would be, you know, the whole thing. :D

But it seems I am fated to be met with three incarnations of a symbiont that patently does not care what I think is appropriate.

Don't sound so shocked, Ben. *amused!*

I didn't let you do it, even though you wanted to.

. . . oh god. That is a terrifying mental image.



"Yeah, Chief," Ezri said, gloomily, "but you lose at the Alamo. You lose every time. Sometimes you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. But you still lose."

"Yeah," O'Brien said, happily, "but here we go again!"

Oh O'Brian. :D You are kind of awesome.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for reading! I'm very glad you liked it.

[erinya.livejournal.com]

I wasn't a big Ezri fan when I watched DS9, but I'm a fan of the Ezri in this story, scared but also courageous, which is a great characterization of her. I especially loved the Jadzia memories. And in general there's a sweetness to this story that I really liked..."like biting into fruit."

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you! :)

[rubygirl29.livejournal.com]

I hAven't watched DS9 in ages, but I think I'll have to go back to it. This was lovely and sensitive, and Dax was always one of my favorite characters.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I have been watching DS9 for the first recently, and it's so great.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Okay, I never really liked Ezri all that much (...I was pretty young when she came on, and I think I never quite forgave her for not being Jadzia), but this story really makes me sympathize with her, as well as generally miss the show. ♥

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I had the same initial response to Ezri, but she did grow on me. :)

[dubhartach.livejournal.com]

This is wonderful - especially the Sisko segment.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[pervyficgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, what a wonderful story. I particularly liked that, while the shakiness of her sexuality is definitely something she struggles with, the larger Trek universe is not really sure what the big deal is. Because that is how I prefer to see my 23&24th centuries.

I love the interactions with Kira and Sisko, but especially this:

"I don't even know if I can help you," Sisko said, but mildly; from the look on his face he was thinking about spices. "I gave Jake a talk, you know. I didn't let you do it, even though you wanted to. I talked to him about how sexual attraction took many forms and he should always feel free to talk to me. It was a very good talk. I could give it to you, would that help?"

:) That just makes me smile.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! And, yes, I like to see the Trek future the same way! Sexuality as individual, not systemic, struggle.

[winged-mammal.livejournal.com]

I feel so spoiled that a story focusing on Ezri was posted on the first day of the fest. Double spoiled that it was so good. Yay!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, hurrah! Thank you very much. :)

[calapine.livejournal.com]

Oh, that was smashing.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my dear!

[skywaterblue.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this. I inhaled it - it's so them. Kira's self-surety about everything, and Sisko's distracted 'don't interupt me while I'm cooking' voice. AND! I love that I thought Ezri might be going to the holosuite with them but they were really trying to get her to ask the girl out. :D

For the first time, Kira looked unsure. "I... think I do? I've only ever... but, Odo isn't. Um, I guess he doesn't have to..."

Um, awkward much. (Though seriously, wouldn't you have to rope Odo into that counseling session? I get the feeling that he self-identifies as male even though he could be female and... this is kind of a line of thought for the next LGBT fest, eh?)

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

IIRC that's one of the prompts for the where_no_woman ficathon, I really hope someone writes it!

[lonelywalker.livejournal.com]

*squeaks* Oh, poor Ezri - I hope she realises that she's still pretty much the sane one (even with voices in her head) on the station. Kira and Sisko were just done perfectly. (I'd like to know what Jake thought about that "very good" talk, though!)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much! I suspect the Sisko-men-manly-bonding went as well as you might expect. :)

[cat-13145.livejournal.com]

Not normally a fan of Deep Space 9, but this is very good. Wish could have got Worf's reactions, I've always wondered what the Klingon stance is homosexual issues.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I think Klingon views on such things would be different from the Federation's, that's true. Maybe Spartan.