Sleeplessness, a 3am inventory

[raven]

It's 3.09am. I cannot sleep. Naturally, tomorrow is a day upon which I have something scheduled to do every minute from 7.55am to 11pm. I remember being told once that people who can't sleep at night aren't really insomniacs; they just say they are because it sounds glamorous.

As it's 3.09am and I am awake for no reason at all, I think I shall discuss exactly how glamorous chronic sleep disorder really is. For one thing, it never goes away. Some people have it come on later in life, but in my case, I was a newborn who didn't sleep through the night and then a baby who didn't, a child who couldn't quite manage it, and now I am twenty-two years and ten months old and I cannot sleep at night. It ruins everything. It makes you paranoid about hours, about times, it makes you fail any class before eleven in the morning (and don't you dare laugh at that and say something faux-amusant about students), it makes you constantly think about something that everyone else takes for granted.

I'm trying to stop calling it insomnia, though, because it really isn't. Sometimes, I can't get to sleep until it's light; sometimes, I fall asleep like a light going out and jerk bolt awake again at two in the morning; sometimes I fall asleep at ten and wake up fourteen hours later; sometimes I don't see daylight for a week at a time; sometimes I see sunrise every day. A rampant smorgasbord of disorder, but the one thing I cannot do is fall asleep at midnight, stay asleep for eight hours and wake up refreshed. This is it, this is the holy grail I've been aiming at all these years.

Things that don't help:

-Warm milk. (I have given up trying to be polite to people who suggest this.)

-Hot baths. (They do, a little, but you can't do this every day and besides right now I don't have a bathtub.)

-Breathing exercises, meditation and whatnot. These don't lack value; they stop me lying in bed and having anxious three-am thoughts. But they don't get me to sleep. Cognitive behaviourial stuff in general is not bad - but it hasn't fixed this problem.

-"Getting up early so you'll be tired". Once again, spoken by people who don't have disordered sleep. Do you know what happens when I try and do this? I force my unwilling, exhausted body out of bed, I get through my nine-to-five day, I desperately stay awake until some reasonable hour for bed, at which point I don't sleep. And the next day I usually wish I were dead. So. No.

(Actually, the best advice I have ever had is from my father who has the same issues with slightly less severity. It goes like this. Are you sleepy? Are you actually going to lose your job/fail your degree if you go to bed now? Then go, and at least you'll have slept.)

-Diazepam and its relations. Well, of course they do work - I can take pills and be out like, again, the proverbial light. The thing is, the pills wear off, I wake up twelve hours later, then the next night, if I don't take them, it's the same old story.

-10mg amitriptyline. This puts me to sleep nicely, but then I wake up at lunchtime with a splitting-skull hangover. The one time I tried to get up at eight and go to school the night after I'd taken it, I nearly fell into traffic. I had to go home after my first class and spend the rest of the day sleeping it off. Sub-optimal.

-5mg amitripyline. Less experience of this, but what it seems to be so far is I take it, I fall asleep when it's getting light and then wake up at lunchtime with the splitting-skull hangover.

Things that do work:

-Sleeping at other times. I sleep nicely in the early light, in the mid-afternoon - any time when it doesn't matter if I sleep or don't sleep, where either is acceptable. In fact, the most comfortable time of day is six in the morning - still cool and quiet, but somehow my brain lets me out without the need to force the door.

-Sleeping in other places. I have slept comfortably on trains, aeroplanes, bare floors, beaches. As an undergraduate I had a room with a windowseat and that was such a blessing - I occasionally used to sleep in it instead of my bed, and it was very useful.

-Sleeping with another person. This isn't infallible by any means, but as an average taken over months and years, I sleep better if there's someone there. Shim usually sleeps through my night-time wanderings, which is a blessing.

-Citalopram. When I was taking it for depression, it worked quite well at making me sleep regularly and deeply, but the reason I came off it in the end was because it was tending to extremes - thirteen or fourteen hours' sleep every day. Plus the side-effects it was having, which weren't nice.

-Exhaustion. I'm not one of those people who will never sleep - after four or five days, it'll happen.

Caffiene:

-gets its own category because it fits into neither of the above categories. I have lost count of people telling me to cut down on caffiene, or asking me in incredulous tones, "But if you're an insomniac, why do you drink so much coffee?"

Because I'm an insomniac, you fucking idiot. How the hell would I get anything done? Filtered coffee is what keeps me approaching humanity when the problem is very bad - it's the reason I can be up and about nearly every day, even at a nadir point.

(And yes, I have tried the giving-it-up experiment. I'm not physically addicted, but I missed it. A lot. And slept no better, though I gave it the fair three weeks. So.)

Right now, I'm kind of at the end of my options. Amitriptyline was my GP's Great White Hope - now it hasn't worked, I'm not sure what he'll be able to suggest, if anything. He seems to think that any kind of referral would be futile. I don't know if I agree, but I don't want to push it. So, in conclusion. Pretty glamorous, huh? Bet you all wish you were me.

It is now 3.40am. I have a few more hours' lying awake to do.

Comments

[medie]

*squish* I've never had it that severe, but oh MAN the anxiousness I used to get when I couldn't sleep was awful. The pressure of looking at the clock and thinking "I need to be up for school/work/whatever in X hours" I'd just get so bound up.

*huggles you*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*squish* thank you! And it makes it worse, doesn't it? I always sleep earlier on days I don't have to get up.

[forthwritten.livejournal.com]

It is 4:11am. I feel your pain. You have my deepest sympathies and I wish you well with sleeping.

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Benadryl (Diphenhydramine) works for me, sometimes. Amitriptyline I had the same experience as you.

I thought that exercise would work, but it doesn't. I have about the same chance of sleeping the night after a 20 mile run as that after a 3 mile run, or none.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Amitrip is vile, isn't it? *sighs* Diphenhydramine is the active ingredient in (British) over-the-counter sleep meds, which on the whole don't work for me, so I'm not sure about that one.

(Also, my mother claims she used to put it in my bottles when I was a baby. I... have no words.)

[sophiahagia.livejournal.com]

I get it, I really do. Although my problems are more related to having no light perception than anything else. Apparently, when people see sunlight, their bodies go, "Ooh, light! Let's go out and be awake and stuff!" Mine is like, "Ooh, warmth! Let's curl up and sleep." (I mean, it's more complicated than that. There have been studies showing that totally blind people have weird circadian rhythms or something).

Only thing that has ever helped me and not made me get up the next day in a total fog is melatonin. which, well. Depends on what your views on synthesized hormones are.

Sleep when you can. I always find trying to force it makes it worse. Then I'm lying awake worrying about how I'm not sleeping. *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I've said this before, but that is really interesting. Melatonin is interesting, also - I like the idea of trying it, but it doesn't seem to be commonly used this side of the pond. I should look into it again.

[kismeteve.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is available in the UK, or even if this is recommended, but I take Benadryl when I can't sleep. It's an antihistamine, but the active ingredient in the American stuff (Diphenhydramine) helps me sleep. It's not perfect, but I don't get the weird mental aftereffects I get when I take an actual sleeping pill.

Disordered sleep blows.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Other drugs with it in are available, but alas and alack, they do not work for me! They make me very sleepy but not asleep. It's kind of fail.

[yahtzee63.livejournal.com]

Amitrypteline has proved to be my magic bullet, but it was nearly 20 long years before that came along. The only thing that ever did it for me was Tylenol PM (aka, the same stuff that's in Benadryl). Yeah, if I didn't take it the next night, I didn't sleep -- but I finally just took it every night. For about eight years. Didn't grow antlers or anything. I wholly advocate drug reliance in this situation; it was the only thing that sustained me.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, drug reliance, I don't doubt you. :) The problem with the anti-histamine route is that I have quite a high tolerance for them in terms of drowsiness. (My mother recently confessed this may be because she used to put them in my bottles.)

[yiskah.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that really, really sucks. I have never had proper insomnia but get it occasionally (I assume it's hormonal) and it makes me so anxious and miserable. However, my boyfriend had it chronically for years - all through his childhood, teens and twenties - and is pretty OK now, so perhaps there is hope for the future? I think what helped in his case was getting medicated for cyclothymia - in the run-up to being medicated he was barely sleeping an hour or two a night, and then whatever drug he was put on knocked him out for more or less a week - he went off the medication after a year or so because he didn't like the side-effects, but it seems to have regulated his sleep patterns to some degree.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

That's interesting, thank you! I suspect my mood ups and downs are certainly linked to the sleep disorder, and it's quite nice to think of it all settling with age. (And I'm glad it settled for your boyfriend - it sounds dreadful!)

[thornsilver]

Have you tried Valerian? It's what I do. It helps you relax somewhat and might prove useful.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's one of the over-the-counter things I've tried, and unfortunately it doesn't do it. I have body fail. :(

[hips-lips-tits.livejournal.com]

this might be idiotic but, have you tried something like ambien or lunesta? i don't know what the actual drug names are, those are trade names.. anyhow. a large part of your mood problems might very well be related to your sleep problems. which i am sure you probably realize. the problem might not be a chemical imbalance, per se, in the 'mood disorder' sense but rather, related to your inability to sleep like a normal human. :)

maybe you have tried something like this and i have missed it however if you have not, i would strongly suggest a try at a medication that specifically targets sleep. most of them claim to be non-habit forming, which i believe in that most people fuck up their sleep habits on their own and after they 're-learn' how to sleep on a normal pattern, they no longer needs the drugs. seems that your problem runs a bit deeper than that but, you never know. it could just be a matter of training your brain to get tired at the proper times, as it were.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I've just plugged them into Wikipedia for their generic names, and they look like the diazepam-relations that my doctor refuses to let me touch - he seems to think that they would do me no good. I have tried similar things in the past, but they seem to be contra-indicated for me now? I don't know.

Oh, and yes, I entirely agree with you - my mood disorder, if I do in fact have one, is probably tied up with this. It gives me more of an impetus to fix it! :)

[daegaer.livejournal.com]

Sleeplessness sucks. I sleep very badly, and feel your pain. I've had (rather limited) success with things like valerian extract or herbal pills like Kalms (which contain valerian and hops) and somewhat better luck with Benadryl - I'll still wake up at three AM, but at least I'll have had a few hours' sleep before that.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Aha, it is all about the few hours' sleep, isn't it? I have tried both of those with varying success over the years - the antihistamines used to work for me, but I seem to have got tolerant to them.

[louiselux.livejournal.com]

I totally sympathise, specially with the wide awakeness and knowing that you have to get up at 7am. That's the worst thing. Every day like that feels like you're coping with a hangover.

Have you tried melatonin? My friend, who has quite a lot of trouble sleeping, says it's helped her. I don't think you can buy it over the counter in the UK, but it can be ordered from the internets.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Many people are recommending melatonin! Thanks for that - I will have to look into it further.

[absinthe-shadow.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It might be worth trying a referral sometime, because it sounds like yr GP has tried several basic things without success, and maybe an expert/sleep clinic would have different ideas. But obv not if you aren't ready/don't fancy the idea. I'm sure this was an educational post for people on your f'list who've never had any substantial sleep problems - I know how utterly unfuriating it is when the same useless remedies are suggested over and over!

[absinthe-shadow.livejournal.com]

...INfuriating. One day I will learn to type.

[tau_sigma]

I sympathise so much. I have these problems, but not nearly as often as you, I think.

"Getting up early so you'll be tired" - this is my absolute most hated suggestion, and I find it works out exactly as you have said, right down to the wishing we were dead.

Also: Because I'm an insomniac, you fucking idiot. How the hell would I get anything done? - I LOVE YOU. Other people can be so stupid.

*hugs* I see someone else has mentioned melatonin, so I will just put in my twopence worth on that: it can work, but I believe it's difficult (if not impossible) to get hold of in this country. You can buy it over the counter in the US, though, so it shouldn't be too hard to get hold of some if you want to give it a try. (It was suggested by my Dad's ME specialist to help him get over jetlag, and it really helped. I believe we still have some around the house somewhere, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work for me.)

[tau_sigma]

(One advantage of melatonin, by the way, is that if it does work, it shouldn't really have side effects/sleepy after effects. It's the hormone the body is supposed to produce to make you fall asleep, so it's decently natural.)

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*squish* <3

[subservient-son.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*, I know how you feel, though I don't think I've had it as frequently or as badly. I'm fortunate in that when I have really regular hours for school/job, I don't sleep well, but enough that I can make up the deficit at the weekend. The night before last I finally got to sleep around 6am, I'm still feeling dead today despite sleeping reasonably last night.

I remember several years ago I woke up one morning feeling really refreshed and energetic. I guess that's what normal people have most of the time, or at least fairly often.

Sorry, this is just a ramble about comparative experience (I didn't sleep as a baby either). The one thing that sometimes works for me is listening to the Dark Side of the Moon. Have you tried just putting on some music? I find that it can be quite relaxing and you can enjoy it without getting anxious about the fact that you're not sleeping.

*Hugs again*, sorry I can't be more helpful.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, refreshed and energetic! On the days I do sleep well I'm like a twelve-year-old on her first espresso, it's embarrassing.

Music does work, now you come to mention it. Something very very soft sometimes does the trick.

[greek-jester.livejournal.com]

I know this is going to sound odd & you've probably already thought about it, & I don't know you apart from what you put online, but from what you typed above it sounds like the moment you lay down in your bed your subconscious is stressing about sleeping so much that you can't sleep, hence the being able to sleep in the window seat, or on trains etc, but not in your bed unless you're beyond exhausted. Might explain the sleeping with someone else around as well - something else to concentrate on other than 'will I be able to sleep tonight?'

You said cognitive behavioural stuff isn't too bad - have you tried hypnotherapy? Just a thought, please feel free to throw things at me if it sounds stupid *shrugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Right now I find sleeping a horribly daunting prospect. I suspect that my being somewhat manic and wired at the moment - coming out of depression into a full class-load will do that to you - is contributing, but even at my most relaxed I have the issues in a milder form.

I am not, I must confess, entirely sure what hypnotherapy is. *shame*

[deathbyshinies.livejournal.com]

*contains absolutely no helpful advice, but lots of sympathy*


Because I'm an insomniac, you fucking idiot. How the hell would I get anything done? Filtered coffee is what keeps me approaching humanity when the problem is very bad - it's the reason I can be up and about nearly every day, even at a nadir point.

AHAHAHA, YES, THIS. SO MUCH.

[overshare]

I'm not actually an insomniac, but I do have deeply weird sleep patterns that seldom conform to what Normal People want or expect. Coupled with the fact that I strongly suspect my OTT caffeine use is linked to some sort of subclinical and/or undiagnosed ADHD symptoms that have been masked by my ability to hyperfocus (http://www.adhdnews.com/testforum/test689.htm) coupled with the myth that Girls Don't Get ADHD, it gets *especially* fun when people tell me to just put down the coffee. Basically, you can have a deathbyshinies who is permanently overcaffienated and sleep-deprived but also a functional tutorDPhilstudentlibraryassistant who is able to fulfil most of the time demands made of her, or you can have one who doesn't drink coffee, but instead sleeps until 12 noon every day, never finishes anything and spends a lot of time staring into space and giggling.

[/overshare]

Also it makes you fail any class before eleven in the morning (and don't you dare laugh at that and say something faux-amusant about students),

This, as well. The embarrassment, the shame. When you've finally managed to actually get some sleep, and you know haven't slept an inappropriate amount, but you still feel judged and horrible because you're in your pyjamas at 2pm and that must mean you're a stupid lazy slacker student who will never amount to anything, right? Even though I know it's not true, one comment like that, one judgemental look from the electrician or post carrier who's just got me out of bed, is still enough to make me feel horrible.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh hai, it sucks, doesn't it? It sucks SO MUCH. And coffee is just... I don't know what I would do without it. (My parents got me the most amazing present recently: a sealed acrylic mug from Bodum that is also a cafetiere! You put ground coffee in it and it makes a perfect, quick portable cup of coffee. As an added bonus you can put pictures inside it. It is my favourite thing.)

And that thing about being in your pyjamas at lunchtime - oh god, I feel you, I hate that so much. I have taken to shouting EARLY RISING HAS NO MORAL VALUE as loud as possible.

[vampire-kitten.livejournal.com]

Have you tried breathing exercises in a hot bath of warm milky coffee while cuddling another person? ;)

If only we could swap half our sleep patterns. My biggest flaw is when depressed I sleep upwards of 20 hours a day. Anywhere, everywhere. When my supervisor is looking at me. When my supervisor is talking to me. When I am talking to my supervisor (apparently this one was pure comedy, I just got slower and slower and stopped. Then snored.)

My GP just looked sad, said he wasn't allowed to prescribe speed anymore and suggested that if I ever have difficulties getting to sleep, he could help with that.

[vampire-kitten.livejournal.com]

it makes you fail any class before eleven in the morning

I suggest swapping to maths. We don't believe in this thing you call morning. I know the eleven at night, but your eleven in the morning is a MYTH.

In second year, my earliest class of the week was at 2pm. I could go to bed when the sun came up, get 8 hours sleep and get to class on time. Glorious.

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Insomnia sucks. Ohgod I sympathise. I currently don't suffer from this as bad as you do, but there have been times...
Coffee is the love of my life.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*squish* Mine too. It is the love affair to transcend the ages.

[janne.livejournal.com]

I'm having a week like that now, and deeply sympathise. Bed is the enemy, better to spend time on the computer or watching really stupid late night tv or something. Best of luck... and yes, caffeine is a savior, at least early in the day.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's such a blessing. I hate mornings. I hate daytime. Actually, mostly I hate everything right now. It's TIME FOR BED.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

I have some stuff like this in less severe/diverse ways than you do, and yes, in what POSSIBLE ALTERNATE STAR-TREKIAN MIRROR UNIVERSE is that glamorous? Clearly the only logical conclusion is that the people who continue being clueless at you, i.e. the people who do get proper sleep, are actually even more addled than those of us who are chronically sleep-deprived. Right? This idea comforts me.

I have no suggestions, but lots of sympathy. Does alcohol do anything for you? (I mean I am not advocating alcoholism. Any more than I usually do. :P)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I HAVE NO IDEA. maybe blinking to stay awake is sexy for some people? I don't even know.

Alcohol! Works very well indeed. It's a great shame this is not a permanent solution. :)

[jbmcdragon.livejournal.com]

*waves* You have no idea who I am. I was linked over here by darksideofstorm, because she thought I'd probably laugh (which I did) since I have this same problem with the "helpful people" in various areas of my life. ;)

I think my favorite insomnia 'fix' was, "Maybe you just don't need the sleep. Get up and do things!" If I didn't need the sleep, I wouldn't be exhausted. Or, alternately, "Maybe you're getting too much sleep." Which, y'know, see earlier response. :P

Mostly, though, I'm responding to pitch in my $.02 about melatonin, learned from a doctor friend of mine, which is that while it can work well, the over the counter stuff is sold in doses that are three times what you need. Your body adapts and it stops working within less than a week, typically. So if you do manage to order it online (or get a US friend to send it to you *grins*), you might break those pills into pieces. ;)

Other than that -- man, good luck. I'm 28 now, and outgrew my insomnia a few years back. I have occasional nights, now, where I can't sleep, but nothing anymore like what you're talking about. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you outgrow yours, too.

J

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

OMG I HATE THOSE PEOPLE. The ones who talk about too much sleep, I mean. I especially hate those people. Rargh.

And, hi, by the way! I'm Raven, nice to meet you. :)

[sammee42.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for this. I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*smiles, wanly* It's okay sometimes! But sometimes it is not. Thanks. :)

[ressie-noldo.livejournal.com]

It's 4:01 AM and I am perhaps relishing the irony inherent in commenting on a post re. insomnia while being unable to sleep entirely too much.

But seriously, 's nasty and unpleasant and there are many rude words to be used for the people what suggest you extremely stupid remedies. I contain absolutely no useful advice or non-useful advice, but much sympathy and affection. ♥

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*hearts* Solidarity, you know? It's awesome. Especially at 4.01 am.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

That's exactly right, you know? It's a vicious cycle. Thank you for your post about costochondritis, by the way; I couldn't think of anything to say that didn't sound trite, but it was good of you to take the time to educate your flist. :)

I am coming to the bonfire! I'll see you tomorrow - it will be lovely to see you again!