That Big Post of What's Going On In My Life

[raven]

For about the first time in my adult life, I'm bored. Not mildly, how do I kill an hour, or if I have to read another chapter of this book I'll explode, but oh look it's nine o'clock only eleven hours before I can go back to bed. (This is a function of a) no internet and b) no impetus to go outside. I really ought to get up and call people and say, hi, let us socialise, but I can't quite manage it.)

I exaggerate, mildly. But life has stagnated. Bristol was, on the whole, not so bad; I like the city very much - it's full of running water, and while I was there, sunshine; in general, it has the feel of a city that has no seams between itself and its landscape, sprawling merrily across water, green space and endless very steep hills. I got quite thoroughly sick of hills, but I do love any city built on water. The people I was working for were mostly from elsewhere, too, and told me where to visit and where to go and eat with the zeal of the newly converted. Accordingly, at the weekend - I was there two weeks - jacinthsong and shimgray came to visit me, and we took up a recommendation and went to eat at a certain all-you-can-eat pan-Asian buffet. It was... well, it was kind of amazing. Between us and between pauses, we ate pretty much all the noodles, sushi and fresh fruit there's ever been, flailed in the direct of a chocolate fountain and then proceeded slowly and carefully into the night. It was a nice interlude, and if any of you are ever in Bristol I rarely recommend things so highly. Especially the sushi part. (I've never met anyone else who likes sushi as much as I do, or, indeed, anyone who likes it particularly much. I suspect this is because I hang out with the wrong sorts of people.) Afterwards the party laid down their hats and collapsed, but it was worth it.

On Friday morning I got up at the crack of dawn and got on a train to Oxford, met my parents, got my keys, moved into the new place, and then went to graduate from my GDL. I actually wish I hadn't, because even though I went up there, wore a crisp white shirt and academic dress, it made me feel very fraudulent - there were many people there graduating from their first degrees, and others from their PhDs, and there was my thing of nothing much, and it didn't feel right. I have yet to graduate from my first degree, which I suppose will change things. I don't know.

Anyway. What became clear last week, and is even clearer now, that the training contract thing is not happening for me. Not last year or the year before, and not this year either, and I am not exactly surprised, but it makes me tired to think about the effort, time and money I have put it into this thing, and how much I have failed to get out of it. (Okay, the thing that actually hurt was not getting the one I interviewed for two weeks ago - I mean, they liked me, I liked them, I had reached the final stage, I was daring to begin to hope. (Which is the thing you're supposed to never do.)). And now I... don't know what to do. I just, I don't. Because the reason I was beginning to hope was that I had made it so far with the firm from the other week, and the one in Bristol wanted me to do a work placement and then interview me for a training contract, something they never did do because the only two people in the firm who knew about it, in the knowledge I was coming, both chose to go on holiday that week. I was angry about it, because it was unpaid, and I wouldn't have done it if I'd known they would just forget me, but again, not surprised - every law firm is out to screw you - and now mostly tired.

In a week I'm supposed to be starting the LPC. I don't feel like it particularly, because it's a thing you do to become a solicitor and that's not something I will get to do without a training contract. After three years of applying there are very few firms left I want to apply to whom I haven't applied to and been rejected by already, and I... am just out of options. I don't know if there's anything else I want to do. I suspect there isn't. My mother thinks I ought to give up thinking I'm of any earthly use to anyone and go into graduate entry medicine. I said I'd rather die and I meant it, but it's not the sort of gorgeous dichotomy it was when I was seventeen and was absolutely sure of everything.

(Actually, my parents are taking all of this a lot better than I thought they would. They seem to think it's not really a problem. How they think this, I have no idea, but it's better than the alternative.)

Basically, I don't know. I may as well do the LPC, because... well, I wouldn't get the money back. After that I could try and get work as a paralegal, which sounds a) hideous and b) no easier to get than a training contract, or try and do something else. But I don't think I can, because people who want to do something else are failing to get jobs, and I don't want to. My parents asked if I wanted to do further study, but I think, honestly, I don't. I don't. I want a job, fuck it. I want to stop going to interviews and filling in forms and going to open days and being pro-active, because I have done it for three years and it has made no difference. I want to stop falling behind my peers, I want to stop being quite this unhappy. (And, I think seriously, I never will be happy until I'm of some use to someone; I hate being useless, it's all very well being a daughter and friend and girlfriend, you have failed if you aren't some use as a person.) But you never do get what you want.

Comments

[mi-guida.livejournal.com]

After three years of applying there are very few firms left I want to apply to whom I haven't applied to and been rejected by already, and I... am just out of options.

I don't know which firms you've applied to, or when, but thought I'd mention that if there are firms you applied on the first or second time round - or even third time round - and got rejected by, but would like to try again, you can. I got rejected for every single vacation scheme I applied to the first time I tried; when I tried again, including a couple of the same ones, they offered me places. Even if it doesn't feel like you've done a lot in the mean time it's amazing what difference a year makes.

I'm sure you've got more than enough friends offering this, but if you'd like to talk stuff through with me any time, do let me know, I'm more than happy to. Oh - and am I making up/mixing up someone else with you having been interested in international stuff (human rights stuff?) at some point? If it was you I might be able to put you in touch with some people (not just European) who might be able to point you in the way of paid stuff which may not necessarily be a training contract but will pay you and let you work in law...

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Hmm, thank you. If I'm going to apply again I have to apply for repeats, so to speak - what sorts would you recommend would be okay with that sort of thing? I assume none that actually rejected me at interview, right?

And yes, yes, I suspect that was me. Thanks, dear - I really do appreciate the help.

[vampire-kitten.livejournal.com]

I assume none that actually rejected me at interview, right?

I wouldn't assume that. They might have rejected you just because they could only take x people, and they had x people who interveiwed better than you. They might have still thought you were competant and capable at the job, just not enough spaces.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

I offer hugs. I could offer advice too, but only if you want it. xx

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And your advice is usually good - I would like to hear it.

[osymandias.livejournal.com]

I always find it strange when people talk about Bristol. When it's just 'the nearest city' you don't tend to see the sights or realise what sort of place it is. It's only now, going back to it as an outsider, that it becomes evident that it really is rather a nice city.

[snowballjane.livejournal.com]

This must have been the worst year ever to be applying for training contracts and it's rotten that the timing has been so horrible for you. A friend who is several years qualified has been seconded to one of his firm's clients, because the firm had almost no work going on. But the economy will pick up, the work will pick up and they will start recruiting again.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*sighs* It wasn't so bad last year or the year before, so I don't know why I thought it was worth trying this time. My fears are mostly now that I will apply again and law firms will look at my CV and think, reasonably, well, why hasn't she got a job already, she's way past schedule, etc.

[subservient-son.livejournal.com]

I don't think that will be their response. I mean, everyone is aware of how difficult things are for graduates (there seems to be a news story about it every day), that any employer should be taking it into consideration. Also, you have done plenty of useful things this year, so it's not like they'll look at your CV and think "Well she's just been wasting a year away."

*Hugs, thinking of you*

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

I obviously have no advice but I am sending good thoughts your way and hoping for the HEALING WINDS OF TIME or whatever? (And if not, then may inspiration strike in the good way.)

Also: SUSHI SUSHI SUSHI. I don't think I miss anything about living in Toronto quite as much as the really excellent $4 CDN sushi platters - ENORMOUS and delicious and omg omg.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Mmm, sushi! So good, and nowhere that does good cheap sushi within a thousand miles, it seems to me.

[greek-jester.livejournal.com]

Don't be afraid to try applying again to some of those you applied to a year or two ago. It could have been that they were looking for a certain type of person & you may not have fit the profile at that point, or you were unlucky & got an interviewer on a bad day, so applying again won't do any harm. If nothing else it'll show you're persistant, a good quality in law!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that, I will bear it in mind. :)

[absinthe-shadow.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Are you in Oxford? We should have tea & moaning when I get back. (That sounded like an appealing suggestion in my head, but maybe not so much when typed out!)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I am, yes. When you are back, I would very much like that. Drop me an email?

[foreverdirt.livejournal.com]

:/ I'm sorry, that's a shitty position to be. Other people seem to have sensible advice, so I will just drop internet hugs and keep my fingers crossed for you. *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

thank you, lovely.

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I love you, a lot. I'm sorry it takes time and I'm sorry rejection sucks, and I know what you mean about falling behind your peers.

I don't really have anything useful to say, love. It's hard, and it sucks. I'm sorry.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It does suck, doesn't it? *sighs* Miss you, dear. We should meet up again soon.

[flashofalchemy.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks, my dear.

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

HUGS

Don't give up.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry this has been such a shit process for you. I'm doubly useless on the advice front, being in neither your field nor your country (and god, I will never make sense of your systems!), but I can say that from all I've seen, the work world is just thoroughly arbitrary, and getting a job as dependent on whom you know and when you're applying and how the stars are aligned as on anything else. And... oh, hell, more when I'm not typing on a cell phone in the middle of a mass of dogs. *loves*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*hearts* You're lovely, and I did love the image of you trying to cheer me up in the middle of a mass of dogs!

[amchau.livejournal.com]

*hugs* My conclusion so far: the world of work sucks. I hope something shifts for you soon, because it sounds a truly horrible place to be stuck. If you would like potentially entertaining conversation, about subjects related or unrelated, the offer remains open.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I think that would be nice. When I get a chance soon, I shall give you a call.

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

You are awesome. Hang in there and keep sending out those applications. *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*sighs* Thanks, my dear.

[stupidore.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*
I feel your pain, to an extent as I am now being turned down for jobs which ask for two GCSE's or the ability to speak English and have taken to periodically howling about how I do not want to live in a world where I, with my degree, am pipped to the post by someone aged 16.
And then again, one of my friends, who had a £100 a day coke habit for several years and was selling herself to make the cash to pay for it (therefore meaning she did not do particularly well at school) is now working as a designer for Burberry and fantastically rich and successful.
Um yes, unhelpful griping is unhelpful so hang in there etc etc and other advice you will most likely keep hearing over and over.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, it would be so, so much better if there weren't other people getting jobs, wouldn't it? I hear you.

(And this seems a good a chance as any to tell a story that Shim tells on the subject of getting jobs you are way overqualified for. I forget if this happened to a friend of his, or he just heard it, or whatever, but anyway. The friend was applying for a job that he was patently overqualified for, and when he sent in his CV, he didn't want to give the impression that he would only stick around a short while until he found something better. So he left off his degree from his CV, sent it in, and miracle, of miracles, he got the job. On his first day his new employer took him aside, pointed to his CV with its three-year gap and said to him, "Look, you've got the job now, it's off the record, you can tell me. What were you in prison for?")

[tau_sigma]

I have had this tab open to leave a comment for ages, because I've had a few days of 'omg can't say anything meaningful' again. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion there's really not much helpful I can say anyway. *hugs* It's a difficult time to get a job, as I'm sure you've heard (probably ad nauseum; I certainly have). But you are wonderful, and I guess you just have to keep trying.

As other people have said, reapplying to places is absolutely fine. It may be psychologically difficult and bad, but things may be different a second time around, they may have different other applicants, they may view you differently, it's worth a try, I think.

I don't think my advice is particularly great, so I will stop, and instead congratulate you on your graduation. :) You are not a fraud. Your thing is not 'of nothing much', it was a lot of hard, hard work - postgrad law is known for the hard work! Don't put yourself down - and also, hard times for you, that you got (/are getting) through very well.

It is, however, terribly amusing that you've graduated from your postgrad course before your undergrad one. *g* Still, you are now, officially, A Graduate. Yay! *loves*