no right but for the love of you

[raven]

The LSAT was on Saturday. As I keep saying to everyone, the only thing worse than an exam that is four hours and forty-five minutes long is an exam that is four hours and forty-five minutes long in a room with no clock. I was mostly howling by the time I came out, which was a looooooong time afterwards. I have no idea how I've done, but I don't think I care very much at this stage. I have spent most of the week yelling at the undeserving and being startled by small noises and crying surreptitiously on the cat. On Thursday I am going to the doctor to say "Moar pills, piz." I am sure that if I look at this too closely I will either start laughing or crying and not ever stop either, so I am not looking at it too closely.

Instead, I am taking a certain morbid pleasure in my diary for the week: Thursday, more antidepressants; Friday, go home and visit family. I am not telling my family about this bout of crazy, because, well. I don't think it would help much. My father rang me when I was in mid-post-LSAT howl, and I yelled at him. Which I don't do a lot, if, er, ever - when do I yell? maybe I should start, that'd make life easier - so he rang me back in ten minutes and said, tentatively, "Do you really think you have something to prove?"

I tried explaining through being a mess of mucus that yes, and no, and yes. Because, I am many things - I'm laid-back and patient and arrogant and cheerful and whip-smart and thick as a stick, but if you hold yourself up to high standards, then, well, you do. And, I said, I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of thinking I'm a fuck-up. I don't want to think it so much that it becomes true. Because I would like to wake up some point in the future and think, hey, I'm kind of awesome.

He didn't say silly trite things, which I was grateful for; he said, you will.

And that's it, I guess. I didn't tell him about the pills, they'll only make him worry. But god, I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of it. I'm tired of mute, whirling disconnect; I'm tired of finding everything wanting; I'm tired of tired. It just hurts, it never gets better.

I had a nice Sunday. I stayed in bed, I ate fruit and sugar, I sat under the night sky with my boy and wished on space hardware. But it all gets dark again, quickly.

Comments

[sophiahagia.livejournal.com]

I'm tired of tired. It just hurts, it never gets better.

*nods* Exactly. Ugh, hopefully it'll get better for you soon.

(And the LSAT is a thing of evil, I seriously don't know how you got through it.)

*hugs*

[absinthe-shadow.livejournal.com]

*pats you gently*

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

I love you I love you I love you. I was just about to email to check up on you. Which, I mean, I can still do if you ever want a slightly-less-public space to talk about anything. Seriously. Let me know.

Here's hoping this most recent bout of LSATing hasn't make you feel too much worse. Because sometimes it seems like that's what standardized testing is for. But, you know, you are kind of awesome. And I know that other people's thinking it doesn't make up for your not thinking it, right now, but consider: it's better than no one's thinking it, right? If no one thought you were awesome, then maybe there would be cause for concern, but LOTS of people do.

I know, logic is always the best antidote to depression. *smiles wryly*

*HUGS*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I love you too, so much. And, you know what you were saying the other day, about the details of other people's boring days being much more interesting than your own boring days? Well, emails from you are always cheering to me, even when they're about the mundanest of mundane things.

Your logic soothes me. And, you know, thank you. For being you, mostly. :)

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

I hope things get better for you soon. I know what that kind of hopelessness feels like and it's no damned fun. When they put me on the Lexapro and the Lyrica, a lot of that went away...and I was glad.

[rosariotijeras.livejournal.com]

I've known you for years and never quite as much as I'd like to. But still, you've become a huge role model for me, because you try. You go for things. Honestly, I know I'm never gonna be a doctor or a lawyer or a million other things because I'm terrified of trying. It's not that I think you're not terrified, but that I know you've got the pluck to forge ahead, and I'd like to think that I too can be like that, one day.

[yahalomay.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that you're so down, and I know it's terrible, but I also know that there's good things past it; and you will pass it. It does hurt, but it does get better.

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*
I hate those standardized tests. I'd really like to go to their headquarters and cause serious damage. One of my guides to passing the GRE (from the time before they added three hours and a whole new category of torture) says this is the Wrong Attitude and will result in failure, and the other guide (more recent) says that I'm right, standardized testing is a crock, but I'm not going to get rid of it by keeping myself out of grad school. Oh, America.
Thank goodness it's over for you.
You're a whole lot of awesome. That's a fact. I'd formulate it as a logic game, but would you really want that?

[amchau.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[chiasmata]

The kitten loves you, and so do we; here exist log-fires and casseroles that can pickle you. The light will come back, love. Even if it's just in the form of these at first. xx

[chiasmata]

Or these, which are better in that they're full-spectrum :)

[magic-doors.livejournal.com]

Darling girl.

Would it be remotely improving to meet me for coffee at some point before you go back to the Frozen North?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

When I return from the Frozen North, this is going to happen, yesyes.

[forthwritten.livejournal.com]

You are kind of awesome really.

Also, I am up for meeting in the Frozen North should you wish to escape the family doom and various aunties.

[tau_sigma]

*hugs you everso*

[nos4a2no9.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

I feel like a real shit. I had tips to offer you (tips! many tips! Like bring an analog wristwatch and set it to 12, and then time out each section to the half-hour so you'd know when your 30min was up and you had 5min remaining to bubble things in). Anyway. It's over, and you will soon be back with the fam. I'm positive you did better on the test than you think. But god, SUCH a miserable experience. I really admire you for sticking with it and writing the test. It was a good test of your dedication and endurance, anyway, and if you have to write it again you'll probably be far more prepared than anyone else writing it that round.

Also, I'll have more tips for you.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Nos, Nos, you are not a real shit, you are not. I did the LSAT once before - a year ago - and that time I studied, I knew the techniques, and this time they just sort of bubble right out of my brain. I figure, I was fated not to do so great this time around.

You are great, you know? And I know you'll be awesome when you do take the test.

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I am here for you if you need it. In fact, I may well phone you at a juncture that is good for you; let me know if that sounds like anokay thing?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

This is very much an okay thing. That would be much better than okay a thing. :)