hearing whispers of an infinite yes

[raven]

I've been rather ill for a few days, as a result of missing a pill - note to self: you are enormously susceptible to caffeine, alcohol and THC; does it really shock you that your body fell over citalopram like an overexcited kitten? - and spent the weekend in capacity as clingy awful doom woman. Having intended to spend the time reading about, you know, the English legal system, I decided instead to lie around the house sleeping at random intervals, jumping at loud noises and telling myself that no one loves me.

Again, however, the antidepressant is doing me good. I have brief episodes of feeling shaky, and rampant insomnia mixed with sleeping all day, and I'm definitely suffering from an appetite suppressant effect, which I'm combatting by, er, eating sweets, but every day I feel a bit better. Today, I haven't been enormously productive, but I don't feel wrong - just a bit ill. And that's the key to this whole affair, I think; last time this happened was January 2007, and then I was really rather depressed, listened to people's advice when I shouldn't've, I should've just gone with my own instincts, and didn't get better, and also, by the way, was convinced throughout that I was going insane. Of course I wasn't going insane. I am one of the sanest people I know, and that keeps on being true regardless of being ill, just like I'd continue to be sane if I fell down the stairs and did my ankle in, or something.

So this time around, I'm being healthy. I'm sleeping when I feel sleepy, I'm taking my pills, I'm telling people when I feel shaky, and I am not, as last time, beating myself up for having failed at something. I haven't. And I feel better, every single day I feel better, less foggy, in less pain, less low. It looks like I'm on the pills for the foreseeable future, but I don't mind that, because see above re: where I haven't failed at anything. And I'm thinking thinky thoughts about the future, I'm looking forward - in a guarded way - to term starting, and I'm thinking about sensible things, like what sort of lawyer I want to be, and what kind of things I like in my sandwiches, and not thinking I am unworthy of either human rights law or brie and plum jam.

In other news! jacinthsong is visiting, and the Mousehole is a nice blur of people and food at the moment. Last night, deathbyshinies was DJing at Intrusion, so, accordingly, we got gothed up - black chiffon! really fucking enormous spiked dog collar! liquid eyeliner in "really really black"! - and we went and danced. She had the early slot, so for about an hour we were the only people in the Cellar, and were able to eat candy-floss and drink vodka and strawberry-pink cider and dance like mad things. I was still covered in glitter when I went to bed. It was a delightful evening, although the DJs that followed seemed to trend towards bleepy industrial rather than proper goth, and I remember my sixteen-year-old self too warmly and well to not resent that. Hurrah for Jack Off Jill and Snake River Conspiracy and Placebo in their Black Market Music phase and all the other things I loved so much when I was hiding in my room wailing that no one understood me. Also, I really love glitter. I do, I do.

Today, sebastienne held a Biggles convention in our living room, which was bemusing but sweet, and the Large Hadron Collider was switched on and the world didn't end. (jacinthsong suggested that, if, say, today the world was ending, would I finally give in to her advances.

Unfortunately the patriarchy intervened before I could say anything, forshame.)

I have read nothing whatsoever of the law today, but never mind. I go to fetch wine and pizza, and we're watchig First Contact. Life could, on the whole, be a lot worse.

Comments

[tmpe5t.livejournal.com]

See, clever boyfriends negotiate and let their girlfriends kiss other girls as long as they get to take pictures... ;D Too much education, thats what that is... :D

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

I would love to see you all gothed out, in chiffon.
You're a tough lady and I'm glad you're getting better.
I think you'd make an amazing human rights lawyer - especially if that's what you want to do. Is that what you want to do? Because that would be so cool!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

There are pictures, somewhere! I will point you at them when they appear.

That is what I want to do, you know. As a long-term objective. I'm trying to figure out how one does this at the moment.

[cscottd.livejournal.com]

You can always check the status of the the imminent destruction of the Earth at hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com (http://www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com/).

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha, that's awesome. :P

[ra-sar.livejournal.com]

you are exceptionally worthy of human rights law, btw. I'm fairly certain human rights law needs you, in fact! ::recruits::

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*grins* Can I, at some point possibly soon, grab you and say, Sara, help, I know nothing about my legal career plans, please to be wise at me. :)

[ra-sar.livejournal.com]

Ha! You totally can, but the thing is I have no fucking clue what I'm doing and most of the time I am making it up!

[vampire-kitten.livejournal.com]

damn patriarchy.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

mmm-hmm. stealing our women, shagging our jobs...

[amchau.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Feel better soon. Yay Goth glitter!

Um... a Biggles convention?!? They all put on goggles and funny hats and dance round the living room making engine noises?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And, no! Mostly it was about the incredibly WW1 gay. Which I entirely endorse.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

I think we can all get behind that, woof woof! (/Lord Flashheart) (Please tell me you have *now* watched some Blackadder; I remember you telling me on Oxford Street that night that you never had.)

[tau_sigma]

I am so glad you're feeling better. *hugs* If it helps, I believe the lack of appetite side-effect tends to go away after a few weeks (or less). I'm not entirely sure, because the first time I went on citalopram, I was so stressed I wasn't eating properly anyway, and I don't remember what happened the second time. Anyway, so, so glad you're getting better, dear.