cheese to my macaroni

[raven]

Okaaaay. So, I am somewhat tipsy at the moment. Rule one for what to do when your brain has been messy and angsty for days - don't drink, for heaven's sake. Certainly don't drink when you've had no sleep and have been crying and angsting and generally being crazy for what feels like an age. Clearly I am very bad at taking my own advice. Hurrah, red wine. Lots of it, too, and rather good. Hurrah for James, who patted me and was very good to me all evening. Mostly, there was wine and M*A*S*H. Also, we went to see Juno, which I loved, but more on when I am not drunk.

(Rule number two? When you are hallucinating death and carnage, don't tell people about it. Seriously.)

So, last night I cried down the phone at people and finally cracked. Sent a long email to my personal tutor with far too many run-on sentences, telling him that, basically, I cannot cope, help. If it were a weekday I would have thrown myself on the mercy of the college before nine in the morning. As it was, I sat the collection. I went in, I took the exam, I took deep breaths and tried not to let the scratching of other people's pens score grooves on the surface of my brain. It was hard. It was one of the hardest things I've done, not running out of the room at any point. I wrote three essays in three hours. (One of which I have already got back! I got a high 2:2 and three pages of annotations, which I suppose is very good marking, but I kind of wish he'd known I was a nutcase when I was writing the essay, rather than stupid, although the two are not mutually exclusive, far from it.)

Anyway. Yes. I did it. I was not crazy during it. Afterwards I went to Noodlebar, which wasn't actually part of the plan, but I went there last night with jacinthsong and sebastienne, and somehow, I don't know HOW, lost my wallet. Cue total, total, out-of-proportion insane panic when I discovered this some time later, trying to pay shimgray for a glorious amount of food he'd brought round. Noodlebar had, in fact, found it - someone had handed it in, and I was pathetically grateful. I went down this morning and got it back, and yes, yes, it was my own stupid fault for losing it, it's my favourite lovely red leather wallet and I love it and I was glad to have it back, and see again where it was my own stupid fault for losing it, but - all the money was gone. Of course, all the money was gone.

And, because my debit card was nicked last week, I was carrying cash when usually I never do. So, urgh, I now have no money at all, and my parents are still in Delhi. I am deliberately not thinking about it. Stomped back to college moping quite significantly, was caught by personal tutor, who had got email, was concerned about collection and my having taken thereof - which, yes, very very bad - and demanded I see appropriate college-ish people this afternoon.

So I did that. But before that I went home, sat in the kitchen, spent four hours reading entire Saturday Guardian. Maria knitted, James baked bread. We were listening to debates on creationism and evolution. lizziwig dropped in on her way to Torpids. I ate fruit, did the Guardian crossword, actually finished it. Profokiev came up on the iPod connected to the speakers, there were dramatic instrumentals. Someone said, "We may have to face facts. We're middle class."

Ouch. But it seemed like an inescapable conclusion.

In the end I went back to college, and reported to the Dean - who is also the Chaplain; he has a Southern-preacher drawl and is the actual nicest man in the world - that I'm in no immediate danger of total crazy. I really don't think I am. I'm fine as long as I'm around people. When I'm not, I end up crashing, because that's when everything feels weighty and heavy and like nothing will be good again.

(Did I mention the red wine? Lots of that, yes yes.)

Yes, being alone is not good. I'm having a mental-health weekend. In other words, I am not doing anything at all until Monday. Because, I don't know, everything is grey and faintly rotten and it seems like something I really ought to do. I cannot go on feeling like this, because I don't think people were designed to go on feeling like this - it's like tuning a piano wire or something, you can't twist it around too many times. Yes, mental health day, I hope it works, I really do. Also, why has my brain read so much pulp horror that I don't remember reading? Hallucinations = bad. Somewhat unwisely, I mentioned them when I was having my chat with the chaplain and he said, "Oh god," in a sort of horrified voice. Yes, yes, I am crazy.

I had some sort of conclusion I was coming to, maybe? Maybe not. Thank you all for your lovely comments - which I have not answered; I am fail, but I read them all and loved them all and was impossibly grateful for all of them - and your lovely things you've said and your lovely popping-up-on-Google-Talk and and your lovely coming-round-with-food when it's really, really needed. I love you. I do. I am incapable of expressing it because I keep seeing dead things out of the corner of my eye, but yes. I do.

Also I am drunk.

But. No more exams. And now bed. And then a day on which I will write fic and read fic and maybe fold my laundry and if I am really, really productive, do the Observer crossword. Love. Bed. Yes,

Comments

[sebastienne.livejournal.com]

oh, my love: i hope that the day off has helped you, i really do. i'll be bumming around pridehouse most of tomorrow, and probably going for dinner somewhere on the cowley road with anna, sian, etc, at which you'd be more than welcome.. please give me a call at any time if you need to be around someone, or even if you just want to hang out! my number is 07941961235.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Emma my love, may I come to pridehouse this evening before OULES? I would like lots to see lovely people and be somewhere that is not central Oxford!

[sebastienne.livejournal.com]

That sounds marvellous! I think (although we haven't yet made any arrangements so it's quite up in the air) that there is to be eating out at 6ish, so as long as you'll let me buy you noodles people would love to see you at that. If you don't fancy / aren't up to eating out, let me know & I'll arrange it for after you've gone off to OULES instead.

Anna and I are planning to go for a walk up in South Parks and/or the Tolkien-esque Headington Hill Park at around 4.30. Want to come to Pridehouse in time to join us on that? The sun sets over Oxford at around 5.30 and it's incredibly lovely.

Anna says that you seem to be in the same sort of place as she was a couple of weeks ago, and that she would very much like to see you to give you hugs and fudge.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, yes, to all of that! Would love a nice walk this afternoon, and food, and nice people. Should I appear at Pridehouse for half four, then?

(tell Anna she is lovely lovely.)

[sebastienne.livejournal.com]

Yup, half four would be great - see you then!

(Anna says you are lovely lovely too.)

[sebastienne.livejournal.com]

Ooh, and you may want to wear sturdy shoes - I don't think it's rained much in the last few days but we may end up climbing trees or walking on mud. Anna has wellingtons she can lend if you haven't got anything suitable. x

[clubhopper15.livejournal.com]

Hey, I hope you feel better about everything soon. We all have our not-so-good moments. xx

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetheart. :)

[msilverstar]

Oh sweetie, I hope the people you're hanging with can let you be calm and sleep. No more exams!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Not for a while, anyway. Thank you. :)

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

It's completely unsurprising that you're stressed with everything that's going on. You need to hug your returned wallet, and lots of soft toys and eat and drink comforting things.

Beds are good too.

[casirafics.livejournal.com]

I think not doing anything at all until Monday is wise. I'm having my own going-slightly-mad phase (complete with internal soundtrack by Queen, since what's the point of using the phrase otherwise?), so I send sympathy, and wishes for good distractions. :)

[dougs.livejournal.com]

Rule Zero -- when you are crying, angsty, crazy and drunk? Watch M*A*S*H. Especially if you're hallucinating death and carnage.

Also, noodles are good. As are chaplains. And red wine, and fic, and crosswords.

Hope things get better soon.

[foulds.livejournal.com]

All offers still stand; if you're not to moving, I can come round to you and Make Food tonight?

As ever, am nearby if needed, x

[chiasmata]

I'm glad you got through yesterday :)

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

If people in Oxford do not look after you properly then I'm going to have to come down there and hurt them. I mean that.

In the meanwhile, having a weekend of reading the Guardian and not doing very much seems utterly sensible to me.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

I'm fine as long as I'm around people. When I'm not, I end up crashing

This is a VERY GOOD THING TO KNOW. Write it on your forehead, or stick it to the inside of your toilet door! (And you know, learning how to manage stress is one of the best things that the Oxford degree gives you - learning your limits and knowing when to stop and when you can afford to push through is at least as important as knowing about Rawls, and you'll probably have more frequent recourse to it in your daily life!)

Hope this week is better. x

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

It was hard. It was one of the hardest things I've done, not running out of the room at any point.

Yes, that was exactly what I was talking about in my last comment. And dude, you managed it. That? That is the fucking acheivement. I am SO fucking proud of that, and you should be too.

Just for seconds? Hallucinations don't mean your crazy. Really, honest. Same goes for hearing voices. There's a perception that only completely insane people see and hear things that aren't there, but that's because the rest of us don't talk about it, for fear of being thought to be insane. And so people who don't experience it, like your chaplain, then assume that it's only the people who are so crazy that they have no choice but to tell people about the things they see and hear who experience that.

Hang in there. Keep breathing.

Loveyou

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

Also - you got a high 2.2! You've been talking about failing. It helps to put things in perspective - what is it that you're actually scared of? Failing? Running out? Not getting a high enough grade?
Work out what you're aiming for.
Keep reminding yourself that actually failing is much, much harder than you think it is. However crazy and stupid you're feeling.

[ressie-noldo.livejournal.com]

♥ I hope that things feel better and happier soon; you are of the Awesome, and should not feel awful and failish or be having a bad time at all, & I wish I could do more than waffle on eljay but unfortunately that is all one can do when 5,000 miles away and then some. Watching everyone around me crack up slowly due to workload, not doing anything 'till Monday is one of those Good Ideas, I think.

[tau_sigma]

*huuugs* The world SUCKS at you right now, doesn't it? I am sorry you got more money nicked, and all such things. Hallucinations = bad, yes; that is a slightly comic reaction to it, though, if I may say so. :)

Much love to you, my dear.