in which I'm going a bit mad

[raven]

Maria, just now: "If you fail everything, everything everything ever?"

"Er," I said.

"You can come and live on a houseboat with me and James! You can write stories while we sell sexual furniture."

There was a pause. "Like, BDSM chairs?"

"I'm not sure what it is. We're working on it."


...yes. I have just put "sexual furniture" into Google and laughed myself into quasi-hysteria. Hurrah for plan B.

It's been a very long, really rather awful day. I am ridiculously anxious - I find outside and particularly loud noises very difficult at the moment. Someone spoke at normal volume in a quiet room earlier and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Traffic noise is unbearable. Even pens scratching on paper wasn't good; I had enormous difficulty this morning with the conjunction of pen and paper. I keep losing grammatical threads in the middle of sentences, which I've never done before. And, in a turn of events that worries me slightly, I keep seeing peculiar hallucinations out of the corner of my eye, and they're always vaguely macabre - I saw, for an instant, a flapping cardboard box as part of a body, and a man in a coat in the fog as the Grim Reaper. Dear brain: when did you read so much Poe, I certainly haven't read any.

Urgh. I am inclined to think that I was fighting off a black mood all of last week anyway, and then it's cold and I am mildly ill and hurrah for this bunch of exams, so no wonder I feel like total rubbish. Could really do without being so utterly fraught, though. In other news of how I am thick, I had a three-hour revision class - which was hell, naturally - in which for some reason we got to Locke talking about porphyry. My tutor asked the room in general, "I suppose you all know what porphyry is?"

Dead silence. After a while I ventured, "Is it a disease linked with vampirism?"

He looked at me utterly aghast and then sort of howled at me. "Don't, don't write in an exam that Locke's primary qualities are actually about VAMPIRES!"

I blinked and tried very hard not to cry (see above re: loud noises). After he'd calmed down, he said very carefully, "That's porphyria. Porphyry is a kind of rock. There is a difference."

Apparently so. Now I go to read the entirety of Western philosophy without having a nervous breakdown.

Comments

[chiasmata]

*very gentle pats*

If it helps, I thought porphyria, too.

[emily-shore.livejournal.com]

You might need more tea. You know where to find it, if so. Just come over, I'll be up for a while yet, no notice needed.

[emily-shore.livejournal.com]

Note: western philosophy? Not as important as not having a nervous breakdown. Remember this. I am a Real Oxford Tutor and I hereby give you permission to stop revising for the night.

[wishfulaces.livejournal.com]

What on earth does Locke have to do with rocks? And why would anyone ask you to write an exam about it?

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

*hugs* How long do you have before you go home next? I have something to send you....

Also, re: "porphyry" (I had no idea what this was either, so thanks for educating me)--in a similar situation I would probably have said, "A Browning poem about strangulation (http://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poem/3298.html)?" So, you know. At least yours was scientific.

[pinkishmew.livejournal.com]

[holds gently] [puts you to bed]

I keep losing grammatical threads in the middle of sentences, which I've never done before.
I don't know if this will be at all helpful, so do ignore me if it's not, but I remember you telling me a very short time ago that mental and intellectual abilities do not disappear or atrophy, so your mental health is certainly what's concerning me most of all right now and not temporary forgetting of how to form thoughts.

I hope that people who are nearer can be more helpful and things will happen so you can get through this. Being in lots of mental distress is very awful, and thus I am thinking of you.

[casirafics.livejournal.com]

Funnily enough, one of my best friends has porphyria. She's yet to try snacking on my neck. ;)

*hugs, for good measure*

[absinthe-shadow.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Maybe S&A next week, since eighth week is out? Only if you think it would soothe rather than sadden, though. ♥

[marymac.livejournal.com]

Going by the noise sensitivity, I'd say the lack of sleep is kicking in hard. Got to the doctor and get an explanatory note for your tutors. Seriously. If nothing else, it means less explanation for if you do end up bursting into tears,

[msilverstar]

*hugs you* It really sounds like you need some more rest, burning your candle on both ends! You've said you're used to insomnia, but perhaps trying naps and earlier bedtimes might help a bit.

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

I would have guessed that Porphyry was a geographic location, so I wouldn't have been much better off.
Your hallucinations sound like the ones I used to get in the last hours of my overnight shift when I was working for campus security, so I'm with marymac on this one. It might help to have official confirmation of what you're dealing with.
*snuggles you*

[amchau.livejournal.com]

I am with the people who think that doctor's notes are good. The sensitivity to noise sounds very like what I get with migraines, so I have a lot of sympathy.

I also dislike Locke, though right now my real hate is for Hegel.

I am now picturing James and Maria selling sexual furniture from the back room of our bookshop. Their showroom would be filled with people who have just bought porn from us and want to curl up somewhere comfy to read it.

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

HUGS