Thinking

[raven]

For the last couple of months, my grandmother has been living with my Indiana relatives, as to not let her green card lapse. She was there when I appeared over Christmas, and it was good to see her; she's eighty-two, speaks no English, has seen more change in her life than any ten people I know. One night after I'd been there a couple of days, I was hiding my head in a pillow, a defence mechanism after spending too much time with my Indiana relatives, and she was calmly telling me how much I take after my father, who is her eldest child. My aunt and her kids are loud, make a lot of noise - which I suspect was Dadi talking around the fact I don't know the Hindi for "extrovert" - whereas my dad is quiet and bookish, and like me, it damages his head to spent a lot of time surrounded by loud noises. I appreciated that someone had noticed this fact, and took my head out from the pillow. "In my next life," I said very seriously and clearly, "I want to be a tree."

Over a chorus of affectionate mockery, I explained: trees are sacred, beautiful, washed with sunlight, they can make their own food, they live a long time. Most of all, life as a tree would be peaceful. What more could you want, as a sentient being?

Always supposing, my aunt said, that you have a next life.

I laughed at that. Of course, my agnostic-inclined mind immediately fills in the blank there - perhaps reincarnation is a myth - but I come from a Hindu family and that's not what they meant. If I don't have a next life, according to them, it's because this is my last one: because this existence, this particular span of years, in this place at this time, is where this soul reaches moksha, nirvana, whatever you would like to call it. Where this soul, atman, becomes part of the greater spirit, Bhagwan, becomes pure and perfect and part of everything that exists.

I am a Hindu, too. This is one thing I know, maybe, that I didn't know a year ago. I don't believe in God. But I grew up in the wrong place for that, didn't I? I don't believe in the God of the western world, maybe. But I believe in... something. I'm not a random happening; I believe I'm more than my molecules, and that the world is, too. And that's enough, I think, for me to be a Hindu. That, among other things. I said, pacing up and down on the night I declared I wanted to be a tree, that I don't do puja every day, I don't know why it's important, I don't know what's important. I do what I think is right at the time, every time. What else do you do? What can you do except trust that you have the potential, the learning, the knowledge, the something beyond your molecules to do the right thing? Dharma, and by extension Hinduism, is about doing the job that's in front of you. It's not about the ritual, particularly - that's what we have the panditiji for, that's the job that's in front of him.

Have you ever been, Dadi asked, in a place outside of yourself?

The metaphor got a bit mangled in the translation, but I think I understood it - she was asking, is there anything you do that you fall into, immersed, that makes you forget the world around you? Well, yes, I said, I write. That's what writing is - the thing that takes you into another sort of space. There, then, she said, this brings you close to Bhagwan.

Do I believe that? I don't know. I do know that the idea is, to me, extraordinarily beautiful - that I, in writing (and others, in whatever they do) take the spark of divine fire in me and return it to whence it came. That in losing my sense of self, I learn what it is to be, all at once, everything. What it is I do doesn't matter, is the crucial part. As long as I lose myself, it's important.

I'm a Hindu, then. I'm a philosopher, too, in the very simple sense that I think philosophy is important. I was born into a position of incredible privilege. I have faith - in something, in the world, in humanity, in something. I don't believe, literally speaking, that this is my last life, or that souls do indeed reach nirvana through reincarnation, or that my dharma is reflected in my life or vice versa. I don't know what I'm doing when I take an aarti - whether I'm doing it for faith, or for comfort, or for some strange combination of the two. I am not religious, particularly, I barely speak Hindi, let alone Sanskrit, I was born so many thousands of miles from my roots that the family panditji calculated time zones into his blessings for me.

What's the point of all this? I said, once, that I probably wouldn't be an agnostic all my life. Maybe that's true. But right at this moment, I can be a Hindu and an agnostic at the same time. I haven't found religion. It was always there, in the background of my life, because it's not God, it's not the hope of heaven or eternal life, those aren't my concepts. It's a search for peace, for ways to think and live. That's enough.

The funny thing was, I thought all this through on Christmas Day. It had been a long, slow, very bright day, and Shivani, my twelve-year-old cousin, had asked me to come with her to see Alvin and the Chipmunks and I had been unable to think of any reasons why this was a bad idea, and then we got back and my aunt said, "You want to come to the mandir?"

"What's the occasion?" I said.

"Tuesday."

Tuesday is, indeed, the day of the Hanuman Chalisa puja. So we went. And in the snow, and the bells on the radio, I was missing Oxford a little, Oxford, where Christmas is magical in a particularly secular way, and thinking, and this is what came out. Happy New Year, to all. May you grow in dharma, may you live long and prosper.

Comments

[pinkishmew.livejournal.com]

:) Sounds like a wonderful thing to come to realise.

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

That was very interesting to read; thank you for sharing these thoughts.

I would also describe myself as agnostic. I didn't grow up in a religious household, but my father's family are Catholic (providing a pretty nasty example of bigoted, narrow-minded Irish Catholicism) and my mother's family were Methodist (in a very cool, pacifist, open-minded way). None of it really appealed to me, despite my paternal grandmother continuing to pray for my conversion and salvation (and telling me about it!).

Here in Europe I have found myself gravitating towards the Catholic church. But it's for the architecture and music and ritual, especially in Italy, not the credo and definitely not the Vatican's teachings on social issues (don't get me started!).

I have thought that I'd like to have faith; it would be a comfort and a motivation and a direction. If God wants to talk to me, when I'm in a church or at any point, I'd be willing to listen. But spiritual enlightenment hasn't come, or perhaps I'm listening the wrong way.

My father renounced Catholicism, but he once said that he tried to live by Christ's teachings. I guess I try to live my life according to principles shared by many religions: tolerance, kindness, and good works. I only hope that's enough.

Anyway, wow, those musings got way out of hand - sorry! When are you back in Oxford? We should meet and converse and drink caffeinated beverages.

random babblings

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

I love you and I am glad every time you post about this sort of stuff.

That's what writing is - the thing that takes you into another sort of space. There, then, she said, this brings you close to Bhagwan.

Yes. (I get this through music stronger than through writing, but I get it through writing too. It makes us greater than ourselves. And that's what god is.)

(There was a conversation I wanted to have with you about... that break in connection from a religious past. I realised recently that there is a tradition I have no access to, not even if I learn Hebrew, not even if I study and keep shabbat; because it is passed down from mother to daughter, and my mother never learned. It made me sad. I would have had little access to it anyway, because it's to do with marriage and I'm seriously unlikely to get married in a synagogue. Losing a little piece doesn't stop you having access to the whole. That's why we can become greater than ourselves; that's why we can access the divine at all.)

Coffee in oxford when term starts?

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

Love you. I've been meaning to ask for a while about how 'theist' you were, as well as how religious, and this is such an interesting insight into a way of thinking about things that is...not entirely different from mine, but alien (in a positive sense), running parallel to the terms or background I draw on. I don't know if that makes sense, I've never felt very able to contribute much to this kind of talk, but it's so cool listening to you articulate all this. Live long and prosper, indeed :)

(Is this icon tasteless? I hope not. It is heartfelt, anyway.)

[emily-shore.livejournal.com]

If I haven't said so already, I very much enjoyed discussing religion with you while you were here. It is not something that gets talked about much in Oxford--people seem somehow shy to mention it--and yet it is such a rich and fascinating subject, and one which has a lot to do with our sense of identity whether we consider ourselves religious or not. Thank you for writing about it and keeping the conversation going.

Your grandmother did a wonderful job of connecting writing to religion. I have had the exact same experience that you describe and it is interesting to think of this as a spiritual practice.

And, live long and prosper! Yay!

[emily-shore.livejournal.com]

If God wants to talk to me, when I'm in a church or at any point, I'd be willing to listen. But spiritual enlightenment hasn't come, or perhaps I'm listening the wrong way.

I've always considered myself spiritually tone deaf. It doesn't bother me, but it is interesting that some people grow up with the absolute conviction and intuitive sense that God exists, and some don't. Religion puzzled me as a child; I remember sitting in church trying to figure out whether other people really believed the creeds that were read out.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I've often thought it would be nice to have faith, too. People who have it have always struck me as untroubled, serene - in a way that indicates that whatever it consists of, it serves a purpose.

I'm back in Oxford as we speak! We should indeed converse and drink caffienated beverages!

Re: random babblings

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's very interesting. Break in religious continuity, yes, yes, I do feel that as a very salient issue.

Coffee, yes! I am back in Ox as we speak, we should meet and have interesting chats.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*grins* I'm glad you found it good to read, at least. I'm not a theist at all - I rather like the Hindu notion of Bhagwan as energy, more than being - and not even a religious person, really. I think, though, I'm happy to claim "Hindu" as a label, which is more true now than it used to be.

It is quite, quite appropriate icon. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed that very much, too! It always amazes me, the enormity of religious tradition that I know nothing about. I now know a little more about Orthodoxy, thanks to you. :)

Live long and prosper! The funny thing is, I was reading Spock's World the evening of the I-want-to-be-a-tree conversation, and that's one of the things that got me thinking about it. Vulcan philosophy, such as it is, bears suspicious similarities to Hindu notions of dharma. I would be very interested to know where it's actually derived from.

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

The interesting thing is that I pray sometimes. I mostly offer thanks for my blessings, rather than asking for things. But it's habitual, not based on absolute faith that somebody/thing is listening.

I find blind/intuitive faith quite hard to understand as well. I know highly intelligent people, who scrutinise the world in many ways, who sincerely believe in something that to me seems impossible (where X = Jesus rising from the dead / Moses being given the 10 commandments / the Koran being dictated to Mohammed / insert other examples).

They might say that that's the whole point: their faith overrides (or makes irrelevant) my objections on the basis of reason or probability. But I don't think I could take my analytical, questioning brain offline and just believe blithely.

Your icon is beautiful! Where is it from? I saw some stunning mosaics in Italy, including some from the 5th/6th century in Ravenna, and it reminds me of those.

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

Well, I will probably see you Tuesday at G&D's and/or Intrusion. Perhaps we could meet later in the week at your cafe of choice (I don't usually drink coffee, and hot chocolate is much the same everywhere). I am a footloose and fancy free postgrad, so let me know when you're free.

[absinthe-shadow.livejournal.com]

I have nothing substantive to contribute (...so what's new?), but just wanted to say I found this very interesting, and beautifully written.

[steerpikelet.livejournal.com]

I am re-reading your whole journal because it's late, you are awesome and right at this point there is nothing more interesting or more worthwhile to read on the whole internet, not because the internet isn't full of goodness but because you are awesome.

Thank you for your thoughts and experiences, and for writing about them so beautifully.
xx

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

And thank you for reading, and commenting, and being. <3

xx