it's been a while since I've had to fake delight just to raise a smile

[raven]

As anyone who has interacted with me in the last couple of days is probably aware, I am in an absolutely foul mood, and it doesn't seem to want to abate. So, in the interests of not pissing off everyone I've ever met, this is why, sort of. (Cut for length and indeed probably being unnecessary.) There are little things - my laptop and iPod both died this week (the former revived but the latter didn't) I had a double essay crisis that was one of the all-time greats, I was rejected (sort of) from AIESEC, I spent hours and hours on public transport, but you know, little things are tied up with big things. I have a real sense, at the moment, that somehow or other, the fact I'm laid-back about most things means that everyone else, my parents included, has carte blanche to take advantage of that.

I mean, for example, I had an utterly miserable week last week, went through four days of brain-breaking sleep-deprivation just to get everything done, but I went out of my way to check up on Shubhra, get the train tickets we needed, and rather than sleeping it off on Friday, I went to London to fetch her and took her up north, missing my own Halfway Dinner in order to do so. And last night, I brought her back, didn't come home but went back with her, got up at stupid o'clock this morning to get her out of bed, get her via buses and Underground with all her luggage to Heathrow, only to return sleepily to central London and then to Oxford to find myself too late for the Faststream event I wanted to go to this afternoon. (I walked the half an hour to the Careers Service, and they told me go away, I was just that late, so I traipsed home in a huff.) Basically, I held her hand all the way and I put myself out to do it. And she got there with me on Friday night, immediately rang some friend of hers in Manchester and took off for the weekend.

I was pissed off. But it worked out all right, I managed to do a bit of work - although, not enough; I have another essay crisis to launch into, sans sleep, tonight - and I figured it wasn't worth making an issue of it. But when she got back yesterday morning, she proceeded to tell me for pretty much two days straight all about her angst with this guy she was with - he loves me, he loves me not, get thyself a daisy and stop bothering me - and more fool me, I listened. And after two days of this, just about, you start to think, now she's just doing it to be cruel. Which is probably not true at all, but I was pissed off to begin with, and it's not as if I have someone to be all they-love-me-they-love-me-not about.

And it's not as if I ever do. Shubra is just the latest of the umpteen people who have mentioned this in recent months, and it's not fun when you can only shake your head and say, no, I don't know why no one finds me attractive, either. Because it's not as if I'm abnormal - or at least, I don't think I am? - I mean, I'm just another girl, who thinks about sex with the same level of frequency as the general population and hasn't taken a vow of abstinence. It's just that no one's interested. I haven't been in a nominal relationship since I was eighteen and in a real, adult relationship since... well, ever. I used to chalk it up to various things - I'm shy, I'm Asian, I'm too much of a geek, all my friends are prettier than me - and in high school people used to attribute it my being a lesbian. Well, this is inaccurate and irrelevant. It's none of those things. There is just something fundamentally un... well, unsomething about me, so no one finds me attractive and certainly no one ever wants to date me. I'm not sure what, but it seems the logical conclusion to draw.

(Ahahaha, oh yes. Sky just came in, said, "Oh, it's you," and went straight out again.)

So, yes. Whatever it is, there is something wrong with me, and having endured two days of relationship-angst from Shubra, I was getting pissed off. Still am, in fact. (Her guy probably isn't as much of a fuckwit as I told her he was, either. I'm just pissed off.) And I'm normally okay with it - not exactly happy, but okay. But people keep bringing it up and rubbing it in, my mother included. And because I'm generally laid-back and I hate confrontation, I don't jump up and down and tell the world to judiciously fuck off, because it probably wouldn't help and would just make me feel rubbish.

Shubra's gone back to New York. I spent four hours on buses and trains today, and I have an essay to do tonight and I cannot do it. I can't. I can't sit still long enough. Oh, well. I guess this is where I get off my arse and go out there and listen to more people's relationship woes. (I was away for the weekend; there's a queue forming.) Bleurgh.

Comments

[emily-shore.livejournal.com]

It's just that no one's interested.
More fools they.

[leiascully.livejournal.com]

Seconded.

[ex-artbox613.livejournal.com]

Thirded. With a huge number of hugs.

And I'll add that I'm completely in awe of your brainbox, hard work and sheer bloody get-up-and-go. I wish I could offer advice, I've found myself in similar situations too many times - it sucks.

In other news, an advert for what MUST be your Abbey Road programme was just on! Power to the people?

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

Fourthed. You'd think with so many smart people at Oxford, they wouldn't all be STUPID in this department.

*hugs*

[amchau.livejournal.com]

Fifthed. I know for a fact that you're pretty, charming, and a delight to spend time with. If dateable people can't see that, it's their blindness. If we reach 40 and they're still all blind, I'll marry you myself, as I've said before.

Also? People need a romantic relationships like dogs need purple sequinned waistcoats. It might be fun, but it also has the potential to be a waste of time and make you look stupid.

{{more hugs}} I hope you know that you can call me whenever you like if you want to complain about things, or chat, or natter, or otherwise converse.

[chiasmata]

Want to borrow an iPod mini? I will even deliver it to you, oh essay-crisising one! (Except it'd have to be tomorrow, as am in Essex until later this evening.)

You rock. And there's nothing nothing NOTHING wrong with you.

But I'm not surprised you're pissed off at all that: I would be, too.

Also, when you have a spare moment, want to meet up and not talk about relationship/non-relationship woes? [Or not mine, anyway!] :) xx

[snowballjane.livejournal.com]

If you want any questions about the Faststream answering, my husband went into the Civil Service that way. He's a bit ticked off with work at the moment, but he's done some really, really fascinating jobs around DETR, DFT and DEFRA. Ask anything you like and I'll pass on his answers.

Sorry to hear about the rest of it. Arg. People.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for offering this, I'd really appreciate some questions answering. Basically, the thing I'd like to know is, well, what does he do all day? *embarrassed grin* The website has lots about team-leadership and being proactive and such, but what does that actually mean?

And thank you. :)

[snowballjane.livejournal.com]

Hee, yes I know! It's all so vague. In his first couple of faststream posts, what he mainly did was researching stuff and putting together policy briefings, recommendations for ministers and strategy documents. For instance he was one of the small team involved in researching and developing this (http://www.dft.gov.uk/pgr/roads/environment/poweringfuturevehicles/poweringfuturevehiclesstrategy). At the same time he managed a small grants programme (for alternative fuel research) so he had to assess grant applications. And there's always lots of "meeting with stakeholders" (plus organising meetings, taking minutes) and keeping abreast of what's going on elsewhere related to your policy area and so on.

In his next posting he was a private secretary, which mainly involves dealing with all the millions of stuff people want to your boss to see/deal with, prioritising it, ensuring nothing gets missed etc.

He's also been involved in writing legislation (coming up with compromises and solutions between ministers who want to do X and lawyers who say X aint possible, looking for potential problems, recommending improvements), supporting ministers in parliament (sitting in the officials box, ready to send notes), briefing the press office and these days he manages a team of people doing research etc.

Does that help a bit?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you. That does help. It does sound like a very interesting job.

[cannons-at-dawn.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry there's not more I can help with, but I went to that Faststream event today, and would be happy to pass on the leaflets etc that I picked up and the (few) notes that I made. I think almost all of what we were told can also be found online: www.faststream.gov.uk.

xxx

[flickgc.livejournal.com]

Argh.

You are lovely. That is all.

[foulds.livejournal.com]

I could come over for tea if you wanted company of the not-of-the-kind-mentioned-above kind?

[pinkishmew.livejournal.com]

Well I fancy you. I just have that pesky fiance person who forces my brain into a monogamous state of being. [sighs] Brown hair, brown eyes, enchanting smile, excellent dental health... ;)

[hugs] No, but really.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Boooo, I'm sorry you're down. I think you're luffly. And I am cross on your behalf with people taking advantage.

FWIW, I think it's highly unlikely that there's something terribly wrong with you and you'll spend the rest of your life single! I know it's not much comfort when you're feeling impatient, but, y'know, you're totally great and there will be smart people who notice. I hope they come along SOON.

[lilka.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about this. You're right, being laid back about things does mean people take advantage of you, because most of the time they just don't think. On the offchance, is there anything I can do?

Also, for the record, you so are attractive, and I think you're one of the prettiest of all your friends. So there :P

[parrot-knight.livejournal.com]

To misquote Dorothy Parker horribly:

The right sort of women always make passes
At girls who wear glasses

Hang in there, as they say. Not having a partner at the moment is not the end of the world, much as it can feel that way.

[tau_sigma]

There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing nothing nothing. You're bright, you're funny, you're dead pretty, you're too nice for your own good, but manage to somehow not be irritatingly perfect. And I really, really cannot see why there isn't a queue of people wanting to date you. (Although that sounds a bit terrifying. I would be worried if there were an actual queue. But you get my point, yes? You are FAB.) You sound a bit down, though. *hugs*

And totally randomly: some The Zimmers (well, some of them) were on BBC Breakfast News this morning! Sadly I had an exam to not be late for, so I missed what they said. But hee. :)

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

If I were not spoken for and monogamous I would at the very least be interested in cheap, meaningless sex with you.

Um. Possibly this is not the best time for flippancy. But - you are ridiculously bright and grounded and also hot. Not just saying that to make you feel better, I have nursed a teeny crush on you for the last ever - not that that has any particular impact on your situation, but just to underline the above point that people are stupid for not falling at your feet and stroking your hair. Not at the same time. A partner with five-foot arms would be disconcerting, though possibly useful. I will stop this paragraph here as I am not sure it is helping.

Shorter Laura: You rock. People taking you for granted don't. They'll get theirs, everybody gets theirs (I hope).

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

Flippancy in the approach to your gloom, not truth of the statement. I have probably drunkenly propositioned you enough times for that to be unquestionable.

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

I will never type again.

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

HUGS

Your mood is perfectly understandable. People should deal with their relationship woes elsewhere for a while (like the next few years?).