The latest in a series of entries made at three am.

[raven]

D'you know, insomnia really sucks.

Okay, so it's not insomnia, it's jet-lag, but it still really sucks. I've never had jet-lag this bad before. I've been back more than a week and I still can't get to sleep before five am. It's ridiculous and getting quite horrible. It's also mystifying, as I was in Boston, which is barely jet-lag; it's only a four hour difference. I didn't suffer this badly from it after Vancouver or Sydney, which are double that, so I don't know what's going on.

The worst part of it is that I'm running out of things to do. I ought to finish the Feminism Paper That Ate Manhattan, but I can never be bothered to do any work in the middle of the night. Which is a problem, because I don't have any time which isn't in the middle of the night. But I suppose part of the problem is the fact I really don't have anything to do at all. I'm still at home, I don't have a job, everything is getting a bit endless. And at the same time, I don't want to go back. At least, I do, but I'm panicking about it more than I should. I can't help but think I'm going to go back, get settled in, and the very first thing that will happen is my tutors descending en masse, saying something like, "It all matters for your degree now! Mwahahahahah!" (okay, maybe no evil cackling, that may be exaggeration on my part) and promptly drowning me in enough work to warrant a nervous breakdown. And if not a nervous breakdown, then an attack of depression like I had last term. Last term there were a lot of factors at work - the stack of work, the economics tutor who hated me enough to make me talk to a gargoyle, the sinusitis headache that lasted seven weeks, the revision, Susan's death a week before the exams and finally, the exams themselves - to make me rather miserable, and I kind of want to start this year afresh. But I'm terrified I'm going to fuck it up my first week back, and then all I'll want is to go back home.

But I miss Oxford. I miss it a lot. I miss the way I can get up in the morning and plan every day around myself. I miss my friends, and I miss getting texts asking where I am and if I want to come round for soup, and I miss the cold weather, I miss the frosted architecture and the cobblestones, I miss jacinthsong and her reprobates, I miss the libaries and the books, I miss pink wine and dancing, I miss my whole life.

So I don't want to go back, and I do. I'm not very good at this, I think. I spend all the time wishing I was somewhere else.

Enough. I'm still at home right now. I think I'm getting a little ahead of myself. At this moment, I am trying to edit a story. Last night I wrote fic. In fact, I wrote an entire three-thousand-word fic in one go. (I guess this is the advantage of insomnia if you're the sort of person who only writes at night and usually doesn't have enough night to do it in.) It's HP fic, gen, and it's supposed to be humour. The thing is, editing it tonight, I come to the realisation that I am just Not Very Funny.

Still. I shall persevere. It's not like I have anything else to do at the moment.

I have finally seen the pilot for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (lots of fun) and (most of) the Supernatural pilot, so I will, at some point, write up my thoughts on those. I also watched the XF episode "Pusher" tonight, and er.... guh. I actually saw the lacklustre sequel to it first (its only selling point is its epsisode title - massive brownie geek points for "Kitsunegari"), so I wasn't expecting much of it, and... guh. That was very good television, but nearly killed me regardless. (Also, I am slightly amused to note that Mulder is one of the few - maybe the only one? - characters in fandom who has canonically tried to kill himself twice.)

I'm also planning at some point to re-watch "Never Again", just because I liked it so much the first time around, and "Home", otherwise known as The One With All The Inbreeding. Never Again is pure crackfic on paper - basic plot: Scully gets sick of Mulder and goes to Philadelphia, has a one-night-stand with some guy whose tattoo talks to him, there's scary stuff involving basement furnaces and Mulder is on a spiritual pilgrimage... to Graceland. Crackfic, except it really isn't, it's actually quite sad and affecting, and I need to rewatch to find out why. (Home is not this ambiguous - it is scary because OMG THEY HAVE SEX WITH THEIR MOTHER UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS. Interestingly, Elvis appears in this one, too.)

Um. I watch too much TV.

Comments

[rosariotijeras.livejournal.com]

YOUR ICON

OH GOD YOUR ICON.

Seriously, all someone has to do is mention Studio 60 and I turn into a blubbering mess.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*laughs* And that icon is my absolute favourite of yours. It's marvellous!

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

"Home" is the one Supernatural stole its normal-people-are-scary-'cause-they-BUGGER-THEIR-RELATIVES episode from, yes? This still cracks me up.

Reading this entry reminded me of how I used to feel about going back to school, before school became basically just mind-numbing. Absolute, bone-deep dread, but mixed with the need to do something with myself. It'll get better once you're in the swing of things, probably; you are very, very smart, and you can handle it, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

And, more trivial note, I am excited to hear your thoughts on S60 and SPN.

I really don't know if this comment makes sense. I kind of feel like Matt--no, wait, Danny-who-is-played-by-Matt--in the S60 pilot: "Good. Because I don't remember what I just said." I hope whatever I just said was somehow relevant, or appropriate, or at the very least grammatically correct, but I honestly couldn't tell you because WHOA HELLO GENERIC OVER-THE-COUNTER PAINKILLERS, how I have missed you and your attendant hebetude I just typed "hebetude" okay I am signing off now.

Hope you have a good night, and get some sleep. I would lend you some of mine if I could.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

Also, how much longer will you be at home? Because I want to send you something, but knowing how long these things usually take to arrive, I'm trying to figure out if it makes more sense to send it to your home or your school address.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

Wow, I was really out of it while making this comment. It was Matt I felt like, and Matt is played by Matt.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Yes, that's the one! I just love how the writers for both shows had the same thought process. "People are evil. How do we show this? INBREEDING!"

I'm hoping going back will be better than I imagine. Being here is probably not helping, because it's almost fear of the unknown, in a way; when I'm back there maybe I'll have more of a reminder of the things that I like.

And, oh, dear, you are so funny when you're out of your skull. *pets your Midol-addled self* Hebetude! My new favourite word.

Also: I'm yet to decide when exactly to move into the flat, but it won't be later than October 1st.

[pinkishmew.livejournal.com]

It's tricky, isn't it? I say 'tricky', I mean.. sometimes all-encompassing and terrible and taps away at your brain and makes you crazy. I want to be back at Looga(borooga) with my friends and modules and the huge skies that I take photos of and the lovely university feel to it all. But then - there's Paul. And he's a whole huge other thing, and the most brilliant person in my life, and I won't have him. And oh god, what if I get ill again? What if I spend this year indoors? What if they won't give me an electric wheelchair and I mess up this year? And my real best friends have gone, because they graduated, so what if I never get that support again?

So - I kind of get how you feel. Real fear, but complete longing. I suppose it's because I know it is worth it, because it's just so great. It's what I want to do, and I love it, and it will be brilliant. ...Somehow.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I think that's probably the take-home message. It will be great. And there is zero chance of greatness if we don't actually go.

[tau_sigma]

*hugs* I think I know how you feel. I don't even know at the moment if I want to go back or not, mostly I want to get away. I'm not even sure what from any more.

But you are incredibly intelligent, remember that. Hopefully there will be no gargoyles this year (or perhaps only fun ones; I have a mini gargoyle which I really want to put up in my room in Durham, but I don't think the landlord would be happy if I started drilling holes in his walls), and the work will be hard, I'm sure, but you'll cope with it. And if you're not, there are lots of people to talk to.

You make me want to watch X-Files. I'll just have to hope my housemate does decide she can't live without Sky TV and buys it for us all!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling. I think I'm a little paranoid, which makes everything from last year seem worse in my head. I don't know. We shall see. And take pictures of the gargoyle if you do put it up! *g*

You must watch it if you get a chance. It's such a good show and we were all too young to appreciate it the first time around!

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I think in a way that going back for second year is scarier than for first year, because you have that horrible fear of, well, what if it's not as good as you remember? That was my worry.

Work-wise, I think you'll be okay, because if it's work you like, then you don't mind doing it. Maybe that's just me. But still, I don't mind getting a pile of history because I like that, but I had a pile of economics then I would probably kill someone.

Also, hell, I'm here and still beginning to panic about the workload which I do not in fact have yet. Last year was Get The Scots And The Americans Up To A-Level Standard, so this year I'm going to have to actually work. Madness!

And it could be worse. It is unlikely that you will, like me, spend your entire first year listening to the noise of that FUCKING GREAT JCB BUILDING A NEW FUCKING LUXURY APARTMENT FOR THE FUCKING YAHS. How is it always reversing? How? IT NEVER GOES FORWARD WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD THAT'S IT I'M GOING TO THROW SOMETHING -

... ahem. Yay for pink wine?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I really wish I'd had a year like yours, with the getting-people-up-to-scratch thing. I mean, not only does it give you an easier first year, but surely your second year is easier too, because you're in the swing of how university works?

ARGH I WOULD BE SCREAMING TOO. Is it any better now? (And I do hope that pink wine is still on offer!)