tell me that you'll open your eyes

[raven]

I'm feeling just a bit hopeless about the exam situation. I think I am, anyway; I'm finding it very hard to think today. Everything is mixed up and messy and it's getting hot again. Ideally I'd like to sit in the sunshine and rest and process Susan's passing away, because that's the one thing always in my thoughts at the moment, but sadly, as I was saying earlier today, my brain is not allowed to switch off yet. Prelims are so soon it's painful - they start on Monday morning - and I know nothing.

Regardless, my brain really isn't working all that well. I woke up in a dream this morning, an hour later than intended, got dressed in a dream, walked out across college in a dream. I was thinking - trying to think, anyway - about Susan, and days gone by, and about some of the issues the last couple of days have highlighted. I met Susan four years ago, as said last night, on a yahoo group called mash-slash, which does exactly what it says on the tin. It still exists, although it's pretty quiet, but I started posting on it about this time in 2002 and was lucky enough to be around for a significant event in its history - an explosion of stories and conversation and people that manifested as over eight hundred messages posted per month. Given that at the time, there was barely a hundred people on the list, I think it really was remarkable. And now it sounds so, so ridiculous that one of the significant things to have happened to me is my choosing to post on a small, obscure mailing list devoted to people writing slash about an ancient television show, and yes, it is ridiculous. But the people I met there were funny and clever, wonderful writers, and even when we moved away from the list, onto LJ, into other fandoms, into other lives, they were, and still are, my friends. I find it remarkable and inevitable at the same time that we all stayed in touch.

It's been such a long time now. But I was thinking about that, and remembering, and when I got outside college someone stopped me and asked, "Are you loneraven? I'm Meredith."

Inside my head I had a mini freakout, which soon resolved into a more sensible line of thinking - it wasn't garnettrees or the_acrobat, of course; there's still an ocean separating me from them - but rather deepbluemermaid, whom I greeted with some large degree of gormlessness for which I do apologise. It was very nice to finally meet you, Meredith. I wish I'd had time to talk.

And it reminded me that, through fandom I'm meeting wonderful people everywhere I go - and Susan was a part of that, almost the beginning of that. I'd like to join my voice to the chorus of people who were very young when they were first posting on the yahoo group, or on LJ, and whom Susan helped and guided and made so welcome. I think it's amazing, how you can be friends with someone you've never met, and such good friends at that; but I wish so much that we could all meet. I've wished it for years, but never so much as now.

So the day today has been marked by my thinking a lot, and not a lot about the things I ought to be thinking about, I suppose. I think I must be very upset over my Prelims - I probably am, because I've worked hard, really properly hard, and I still don't know anything - but it's not really manifesting because other things are more important. My checklist of things to revise has been replaced by a checklist of purely practical matters, like my candidate number, my alarm clock for Monday morning, my sub fusc, etc. My sub fusc is a total state - my shirt looks like it's been bunched up in a pile and stuffed under the bed, which is really not true - and I have to ask people who've done Mods or Prelims or Finals or whatever already - are the tights really necessary in twenty-seven degree heat? I don't think I even have any; the gown and long skirt will be hot enough without them.

Claire ventured out to the Covered Market today for exam carnations, but they had sold out. As I sort of thought they would have done, given most arts students' exams are this week and they all want carnations. Because I only have three exams, mine will be a little silly - white for Monday morning, pink for Monday afternoon, red for Tuesday - but Ben is buying them for me regardless, at seven am to be sure to get them in time. I'll get Pat's, she'll get Claire's - it's all very incestuous, to reflect the co-dependency that has characterised all the time I've been revising. I honestly think I wouldn't be still functioning if it weren't for Pat. Tonight, we wound up having coffee in Starbucks, with her patiently drilling me on the rules of differentiation scribbled all over napkins - product and quotient and chain and implicit and partial, all the elementary methods I still haven't mastered, and withholding mocha until I managed to successfully differentiate a natural log.

(Yes, I cannot differentiate a natural log at this stage in my education. You can point and laugh as much as you like.)

After that, economics in the quad, under a cloudless sky that faded imperceptibly into twilight dark, and me despairing at how much I don't know, will never know, and then giving up and just lying on the grass. It's so beautiful here today. It almost escaped me that it's Saturday of eighth, and people are going home - I went home on Saturday of eighth in Michaelmas and Hilary - but I'll be here another week yet. On Tuesday at lunchtime, I'll be free, as will Pat, and if anyone wants to come to Exam Schools and throw things at us, please do, I'd love to see you. My own plan is to come back to college, get Pimms from the buttery, and start drinking gently until half five, at which point we will go back to throw things at Claire emerging from Exam Schools.

That's still a long way in the future.

Right now, I'm watching Sometimes You Hear The Bullet on YouTube, and it's wonderful, still. It's warm in here, full of street noises, and I'm going to bed while it's still dark, which is new, and it is still so, so beautiful. I'm glad I'm here, even though I'm unhappy tonight, and I wish you were all here to share this week with me.

Comments

[icepixie]

(Yes, I cannot differentiate a natural log at this stage in my education. You can point and laugh as much as you like.)

I think I have a vague memory of the term "natural log" from my junior year of high school. Maybe. I think it was all done on those fancy graphig calculators we had. I don't think I've ever differentiated anything in math before, though...

Sorry to hear about Susan. :(

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Heee, yes. Natural log - looks like this: ln(x. But I'm supposed to be reading economics, is the problem - I can't do even the most basic maths that underpins it!

Thanks. :)

[icepixie]

I know we did things with those in Algebra 2, but that was...five years ago. And some change. I didn't need much beyond addition and subtraction for microecon, which was the only vaguely mathy class I took after high school (and I'd even taken that very same class in high school). It was nice. *g*

Ugh, math.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Err, there should be a closing bracket on ln(x). Told you I was rubbish. :)

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Susan. I have also formed some deep online friendships, across borders, oceans and time zones. I know you can care deeply for people you've never met.

I am very amused that you know so many Merediths - it's not that common a name! You would be quite excused for any gormlessness, in any event; it's not often that a complete stranger approaches you on the street and knows your name! I'm normally miles away when walking around listening to music, so I know that I'd do an impressive goldfish impression at anyone who came up to me.

With regard to subfusc: no, I don't think that tights are required. But they have been known to check the colour of socks, would you believe (should be black)? They also check whether you're carrying your mortarboard. And the skirt doesn't have to be long; I've seen some girls wear skirts so short that they look like they're going to a gynae exam!

Once inside the exam, you can take off your gown. I also tends to be surprisingly cool inside those huge Exam School rooms. It could be worse: you could be a postgrad! For Masters students, gowns are longer and more cumbersome. I went a step further, and brought with me my grandmother's Masters gown from the 1950s. It's made of wool, is calf-length and has full billowy sleeves. It's a pain to wear in the heat, but I look amusingly bat-like in it. And it gives me a link to my faraway home and much-loved family, which is comforting.

[emily-shore.livejournal.com]

They can on occasion get a bit picky about tights... certainly no colour other than black is acceptable. As for bare legs, I suspect that some invigilators would give you grief about that, but if you're wearing a really long skirt it shouldn't be a problem.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs* I find it strange but very understandable at the same time - that attachment over such huge distances.

Heee, every Meredith I meet tells me the same thing! And then pretty soon I meet another one! Talking of which, I'd like to meet you again, properly. We must get a coffee sometime.

I nearly matriculated without my mortarboard - had to run back and get it! - so thank you for the reminder. My skirt is ridiculously long, so I may dispense with the tights. And wow, that's amazing about your grandmother's gown! Definitely worh looking like a bat for. *g*

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean: I was on the go almost constantly today, and it was strange. I'd be standing on the Metro platform, and someone would look at me casually, and I'd think, Is it possible that your life is totally normal right now? How has the world not slowed down, just a little?

Someday I will get myself across that ocean. I promise. I went out with friends today and just didn't want to be there, at that moment. I wanted very fiercely to see you and the Merediths and Amber and so on.

In the meantime, you get through those exams of yours. Okay? You're going to nail them like a... like a hammer. Yes. You're going to nail even those damn natural logs. (I've always thought that's such a misnomer, because if there is anything more unholy and unnatural in the world than a natural log, I have yet to find it.)

Take care of yourself. Seriously.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's worse, I think, because my own world is in such a whirl that I haven't sat down and thought about it yet. And I keep thinking to myself about how I'd begun to lose touch with Susan in the last few months, that it was ages since the last time I'd commented on her journal or dropped her a note, and that even the other day I was thinking I should make more of an effort. And now I can't, and that's what's so awful.

Oh, I know. I hate sometimes that fandom's got to be a little secret that you carry around in your head, because there's nothing and no-one in the real world to represent those people and that part of your life. I think this problem isn't as bad as it was, but I still don't like it.

Exams tomorrow! Thank you very much. (And also, thank you about the natural logs - whose bright idea was it, calling them that?)

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

It must be awful to have to deal with all of this at once. I'm sorry; it's not fair. How long till you're done and home?

And I keep thinking to myself about how I'd begun to lose touch with Susan in the last few months

*nods* I feel the same way. But the way I'm thinking about it is: at least partly that lapse came about because she had so much going on in the last few months, and a lot of it was good. She had things to occupy her, and things to look forward to. She knew she had friends here; and if she was happy, with whatever she was doing, I can definitely accept that.

[jessikast]

Yay for you meeting deepbluemermaid! :-)

Can you explain what exam carnations are? I know about the tradition of sub fusc (something which, having just done my own *@$&#$* exams, I'm very glad I don't have to worry about,) but I've never heard of flowers being involved...

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

Hey babe :) Isn't the internet a bizarre place, that the three of us should know each other in different ways?

There's a bit on exam carnations here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Academic_dress_of_Oxford_University

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Exam carnations are worn with sub fusc, by tradition. On your first exam, you wear a white one, pink for the ones in the middle and red for the last one. Also part of the tradition is that friends and lovers buy them for you rather than your buying them yourself. I love the idea so much; it's such sweet tradition to have.

[jessikast]

Aww, that's a lovely tradition. :-)

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

1) Subfusc doesn't matter. No one ever said it had to be neat, just black, white, ribboned and with a gown. I've worn a bootlace instead of a ribbon with no complaints, and an unironed uncollared shirt without even raising eyebrows.

2) Remind me your sirname so I can pidge you back this sonic screwdriver. Is it the obvious thing? Sorry for hanging onto it (the screwdriver) so long...

3) Very very best of luck.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

1. A bootlace! Heee. I shall certainly bear that in mind.

2. Don't worry, I'm glad you got good use out of it! My surname is indeed the obvious thing. (If not obvious enough, I think I've got you friended on facebook. Sorry about the cloak-and-dagger - but put together my names are very unusual so I don't like having my last name on LJ.)

3. Thank you very, very much!

[pinkishmew.livejournal.com]

[blink] I am perhaps reading this wrongly, but you have a dress code for exams? I expect I've got the wrong end of the stick somewhere.

In addition - perhaps mentioning Susan to one of your tutors? Getting some help or advice, especially when it's so close to exams? (I really hope that doesn't come across as callous; I don't mean 'use this to get more points', I mean I'm worried and you're having an awful time and could do with support from many places. Plus, everywhere has important procedures for when things like this happen, especially with regard to exams. [huggles])

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

We do indeed. Sub fusc, which is formal academic dress, with carnations. You can't take your exam unless you're wearing it!

I didn't think you were being callous, don't worry. *hugs* I think I'll be okay, for these exams. This has come at a time where I'm already burnt out and a little numb, so it's not making me feel worse, but it's making me wish exams were over simply so I can spend some time with my friends who knew her. I'll be okay, soon.

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
If it's going to be a problem for your exams, could you speak to somebody about getting a... oh, whats it called... It's something to let the examiners know you were having a hard time or something. I'm sorry, I'm not much help really :/
xx

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're always a help.

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

"Mitigating circumstances" springs to mind *nod*
xx

[just-the-ash.livejournal.com]

You're miles smarter than me about these things. If you asked me to find a natural log, I'd head for the woods and look for a fallen tree trunk with shelf fungi growing out of it.

Similarly, I will never cease to use the massive difference between Fahrenheit and Celsius heat as a debating point about the basic arbitrariness of mathematics. To you, it's 27 degrees out and really quite warm. 27 degrees over here would be below freezing. QED.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*laughs* One day I will draw a little picture of a fallen tree trunk rather than ln(x) or whatever it is, and assert that I am just that creative a mathematician.

Hee! I maintain that Celsius is perfectly logical - a hundred degrees between the freezing and boiling points of water, what could be more appropriate? - but Fahrenheit is arbitrary! Thirty two degrees for freezing? No, no, definitely not, that makes no sense.

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

HUGS and Good Luck!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! :)

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

HUGS and Good Luck!