live through this

[raven]

I'm feeling a tad strange. Actually, quite a lot strange. It's a feeling of not wanting, not being able to, or just not doing anything. It's been building a bit, then seeping away again, then coming back, and whilst some things, like my friends and my books and just walking around Oxford will lift me out of it, I keep falling back. I'm finding it hard to describe, but mostly it's a kind of bleakness. I call it a grey mood, mostly, because that's what it's like, being trapped beneath an endlessly grey sky. I am not in it at the moment, actually; I'm feeling a little better, which is why I'm able to write this. It's such a strange sort of ennui because I find I'm not worrying about anything but the practicalities of it. It's persisting as I try and write essays and produce assignments and it hits me where my productivity lives; I just sit staring at empty pages and empty screens and wait for it to go away so I can write something down. And it's been hanging round a few weeks now, so I don't really know what to do. When I'm feeling it, I start thinking about the lines of the buildings against the sky, and other minor, stark details that somehow seem very important, very hurtful, then I don't really think about anything, and I can't sit down or stand up or wake up.

I think, perhaps, I need a holiday. I'm only here another week and a half, and although I could stay into ninth week if I wanted, I don't want. I want to go home on Saturday of eighth week like I did last term, and sleep a lot, but I've got a lot of work to do. I actually submitted my Prelims entry forms today. Not that there was any chance of my not taking them, but still, the forms make them real rather than an abstract concept. They're at the end of next term, and this term is nearly over, and I can't believe how fast this year is whizzing by.

There's really no reason for me to feel grey. I just am feeling it. It's just... grey. I am not articulate at all. Um. I'm wondering if I ought to talk to someone about it, because it's getting in the way of my work. I've still got two essays and two problem sheets to do before the end of eighth week, and my schedule is just too tight for this kind of weirdness. I can't have crying jags and late-night wandering round Cornmarket and all the other things I'm doing to cope. I don't know. I guess it'll go away, if I wait. I'm waiting. In the meantime I guess I'll do what I always do in times of grey, and write about things that I like, that make me happy:

Okay, um, to begin with, I left this entry in the middle because it was midnight, and February 28th is Claire's birthday. At five to eleven I had a bright idea and sprinted to Sainsbury's for mini fairy cakes and Borders for candles, and at midnight, we put the candles in, got chocolate and Sky's wineglasses and Pat's Spanish wine and marched into Claire's room, with lit candles and a lot of noise. Pat jumped at the window so the sounds of the chapel bells striking twelve flooded in. Claire was touched, and delighted, and put on music and poured wine and I felt quite a lot better, seeing how happy she was suddenly and what a nice mini-party we were having.

Last night there was another mini party (because Sky has learned to cook pasta and wants to share the skill with everyone), but I missed it because I was at Wadham visiting jacinthsong with the rest of ou3fs. We were watching Blackadder and Fry and Laurie and later, Serenity, with plenty of gin as an accompaniment. Everyone was getting delightfully tipsy and I had a lovely time before drifting off home at two am only to find Claire still awake and spending another two hours giggling madly at her current favourite website. You see, I shouldn't be feeling as awful as I do when my life is its usual beautiful, wonderful self. (Also, I finally informed foulds that it was me who sent him the Valentine's rose with the quote from Juvenal on it. I was amused to note that he named it Samantha and was very sad when it died.)

Beyond this... um. I went to see The Vagina Monologues a couple of days ago and loved every second of it. It was beautifully directed and performed, and I particularly liked the UK- and Oxford-specific additions to the script. The Woman Who Loved To Make Vaginas happy was especially fantastic, as the girl who had the part was jawdroppingly wonderful with an amazing repertoire of orgasmic moans. My favourite was the muted "WASP moan" and the not-so-muted "uninhibited militant bisexual moan", followed by the "Oxford college moan" ("I-shouldn't-I-shouldn't-I-have-a-tute-oh-my-GOD"). I was also pleased that they added a few Brit-specific vagina euphemisms to the list, including "fanny" (oh, the embarrassment inherent in that false friend) and, finally, "In Oxford we call it..." - long, long, pause - "a PIDGE."

This coming only a few hours after I had wondered aloud if the verb "to pidge" is in fact an Oxford-specific construction was somewhat amusing.

Let's see... in other news, Macro continues to be horrible. Pat and I had another laughably awful tute with Forder, at the top of the tallest tower once again, and once again we howled with laughter at the end at our own sheer awfulness. Although, there remains the fact that Claire has a theory that Forder likes me. The reason for this being, he doesn't like arrogance and he doesn't like timidity, and I'm the only person who displays neither because of my tendency to say un-self-consciously idiotic things. (One of this week's gems was his asking me to define expenditure.

"Comsumption plus investment plus government spending," I said.

"Laissez-faire," he said.

"Consumption plus investment," I tried.

Why, he wanted to know.

"Because," I said intelligently, "you spend money on stuff when you invest and you spend money on stuff when you consume!")

He returned my essays this week, stared at me down a very long nose, and said, "Your attempts at these questions are... interesting."

"Oh good," I said. "Interesting. Wonderful."

There was another insufferably long pause, and then he said, almost absent-mindedly, "Your style is terse. Concise. You are able to communicate. Photocopy these and pass them out."

I skipped down those stairs, I tell you. This week I have no tute with him, but in an attempt by the universe to balance the books, I have a Maths tute early because my tutor, Sam, is moving to Venezuela on Wednesday (could I make these things up?). He has set work. I had a look at it tonight in sleepy, grey despair and half-heartedly did the first question, then thought, I can't be bothered to do this. And then thought: that's new. I can't be bothered to do this. Not, I can't do this. There is such a fundamental difference between the two. I may pass my Prelims.

So, really, that's everything and that's why I've not been updating much. I've wanted to, but I haven't been able to sit still long enough to write through the weird restlessness. I wanted, earlier in the week, to write about the wonderful experience I had with tombakersays.co.uk - I told Claire about it, and she sent a text home along the lines of hi, how are you, my sources tell me someone interesting should be reading this, and then her phone rang; I answered it, and it was her mum wanting to know why do we have a message on the answering machine from Tom Baker? - because it was wonderful, and it dissipated the grey. I don't want to be defined by grey any more.

I can live through a bit of grey, I think. I'm just willing it go away, when it's ruining all that's nice and making what's not nice even worse. I can live through this.

Comments

[rosariotijeras.livejournal.com]

There must be some sort of trans-Atlantic gray funk going on, becuase I'm feeling you here.

Forder should really be the subject of a documentary.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

What sort did you have in mind? "Unqualified Misanthropy In Ten Easy Steps?" "How Not To Make Friends And Influence People?" :)

[rosariotijeras.livejournal.com]

In my head, I have my mental image of Forder sitting in a cage like one at the zoo, petting his Keynes books and shredding essays, yelling about...economics terms. "Can Economics Drive a Man Insane?"

[(Anonymous)]

Um. I'm wondering if I ought to talk to someone about it,

I would say 'yes'
many universities have people who get paid to talk to students about their mental health
its only nice to go help them earn their living

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

And I'm thinking it's time to turn off anonymous commenting.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

Sending in another bit of evidence, here, for the existence of a trans-Atlantic funk. Even the weather here is gray now (except when it SNOWS; dear Ohio, what the HELL?), and I swear there must be some theory of relativity to explain why time goes so slowly. I've taken to tallying up the seconds that tick by in classes--seriously, my notes look like this:

"'Hills' as a struggle with terms, female protagonist ultimately redefines 'fine' for herself--see final dialogue as (1)statement of term, (2)definition, (3)restatement OH FUCK THIS IS SO IRRELEVANT PLEASE SHUT UP IIIII IIIII IIIII HOW HAVE ONLY FIFTEEN SECONDS PASSED?"

Er. Anyway. *hugs hard* Hang in there; as slowly as time passes, it does pass, I've found, and somehow one day you'll realize you're going home tomorrow. In the meantime, it's always exciting to see an entry of yours pop up, even if you think you're being inarticulate (which you never are). After all, your entries are a very good distraction from the gray here.

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

Leigh, darling, that's why they invented Sudoku.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

We are also having terribly peculiar weather. Today I was impressed to note bright sunshine and snow. At the same time. Frost pocket or no frost pocket, wtf?

*laughs* I'm not quite counting seconds, but pretty close. I have a slightly similar gem in my notes along the lines of: "The nineteen-twenties represented an unprecidented rise in labour productivity and a rise in marginal capital effieciency that was quite unprecendented oh god oh god you are a moron."

A week and a half - not long to go, right? *hugs*

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

*hands you a can of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows*
*and a few million hugs*
The grey funk will dissipate and joy will return to the world. Trust me. I know.
Oh, what the heck. Have some more hugs. *HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*drowns in lollipops*
*hugs*

[tau_sigma]

*hugs*

You see, I shouldn't be feeling as awful as I do when my life is its usual beautiful, wonderful self.

Well, but that's just the way it is. You shouldn't feel bad about feeling awful, anyway; it's not something you choose, it's just the way life takes you sometimes. It does sound like it might be a good idea to talk to someone about it. You may feel you can live through it, but it could be a lot easier if you go to see someone. If there's anything I can do, if you ever want to talk, I'm here (07792 693865). I hope things get better soon.

Congrats for your answers, sounds like coming from Forder that's pretty good. *g*

*hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

My thinking is, well, tonight is the birthday party of one of my best friends, celebrated with all the rest of my friends. If that doesn't perk me up, then something really isn't right and I'll go and see someone. It was really nice talking to you this morning, and I really appreciate it. *loves*

[tau_sigma]

*loves back* You are very much welcome; I enjoyed it too. I hope things get better for you soon.

[julianelupin.livejournal.com]

*huuuuuuuuugs* Of course you can live through this. :D (Great explanations, by the way. XD)

The Woman Who Loved To Make Vaginas Happy is one of my favorite monologues from that show. I performed The Vagina Workshop about two years ago when my school did its annual terrible amateur performance of The Vagina Monologues, because I was the only one who could even attempt a British accent; and although mine was horrendous, no one else seemed to notice. XD Overall it was a terrible show. I had a feeling the whole thing was going down (no pun intended) when the director used the first rehearsal to ask us to keep vagina diaries - "Not about, like, icky stuff, but good strong GRRL POWAH kind of diaries, and we can put them on display in the lobby during the run of the show!" I should have run away screaming right there. For the record, I was the rebel who didn't keep a vagina diary. XD

Er, story time over. XD

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Vagina diaries? What the hell were you supposed to write in them? "Woke up, had vagina." "Woke up, still had vagina." "Woke up, icky red stuff beautiful red elixir emerged from vagina."

*hugs*

[lottie-doyle.livejournal.com]

ugh... i hate the grey... you've described it so well- i'm totally in it up to my neck at the moment..... *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's not nice, is it? *hug*

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

Time of year is just grey in general, I think, for everyone.

It might help to talk to someone who can suggest coping strategies, because uni people are indeed useful like that. Failing that, constantly remind yourself that it coul dbe worse - you could be Forder. You have actual friends and stuff!

But yeah, it's not easy to always be happy and being grey is Teh Suck but at least you have somewhere to live but these things will pass. They always do.

*careful hugs*

Also, that feeling of not being bothered despite there being loads of work you sort of can do but can't be arsed? Hi. Welcome to Colleen's Essay Strategy Since The Age of 15. *grins* Hence the fact I'm arsing around on uni computers rather than, y'know, reading.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping so. I kinda hoped I'd left the nasty emo phase far behind. (Shit, five years of fandom this week. Far behind.) I think I shall check out what options are available to me if I'm not feeling better this time tomorrow.

(Urgh, Forder! The man just got very pissed off because I don't use email subject lines. omgwtf?)

It's a good strategy in that it reminds me of Douglas Adams. ("I like deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they go by.")

[elanorkat.livejournal.com]

Damn. The Vagina Monologues was on in Oxford and I missed it? Where was it on? I'm only down the road! Glad you enjoyed it.

I'm having a Grey, too, as are half my f-list. Time of year, hibernation-inducing weather. Nasty. I'm sure you'll pull out of it soon. At least it's sunnier today!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

At the Moser, at Wadham. Very good show. The sunshine has helped a lot!

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

Talk to someone if it persists or reoccurs with any regularity. With the kinds of pressure you're under to perform and conform, it's not unusual to experience grey periods or depression even if things around you are going well. You probably just need a break but keep an eye on it.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I think that's a good plan. Like you say, it probably is just overwork, but I'll keep my eyes on it.

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

I second this comment. Flatness and crying jags can be a perfectly normal response to the stress here and they can go away on their own if you have a bit of a break, but not necessarily. And even if the greyness doesn't persist all the time there are probably coping strategies you can find so that it's not quite so bad, and talking to someone can help you work them out. <3

[amchau.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

As others have suggested, time of year and pressure are likely to be the culprits, but don't be afraid to ask someone for help if you need it. Just letting someone at the university know hat you're sometimes struggling might make you feel better about it.

You're right, though, to say that you can definately get through it. You are much stronger than any grey.

If this isn't too far ahead, I'd like to ask: do you yet know what you'll be doing early in June? I'm making plans, and one seems to lend itself to visiting Liverpool on the way... but the appeal of that increases massively if you'll be at (your Liverpool) home at that time.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I think these are good suggestions. I'm keeping my eye on things. *hugs*

Early in June? Sadly, I shall be here, revising like a mad thing! My prelims aren't until the end of June, and I'll be home from July onwards. What brings you up north?

[amchau.livejournal.com]

Okay. *hugs back*

On this occassion, it's ferries to Ireland (specifically to Ulster) which might take me to Liverpool, but I could fly from Luton (which is unattractive) or get a ferry from North Wales and then travel north once I'm in Ireland.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

Okay, let's try this again. Not June; July (I'll be in Sctoland for the first half of June, but it's still too far away and I get muddled...)

The 29th of June and the 3rd or 4th of July are actually the dates in question.