Serenity

[raven]

It's dark in my room, and cold; the air, however, is faintly scented with clean laundry and it's delicious when you consider I had no clothes left this morning. I'm writing this slowly, because I'm deathly tired, only not sleepy just yet. I think I'm proud that I'm still here after this week. I've been falling apart, bit by bit and all at once, and I'm sick of panicking and crying and being someone I'm not usually. I reckon I'm a calm sort of person, as a general thing (others may disagree). It takes a lot to make me angry, and even more to make me stressed or worried, but I've been all three. My memories of Thursday and Friday are a prolonged, painful blur of library books and sheer visceral panic. My essay ("Where does decision-making power lie in the British executive?") is now done, if hysterically awful, a little maths is done, I'm ready for some of this week.

So, yes, this week - 2500 word essay for Politics tute at Somerville on Wednesday, maths problem sheet on algebraic and geometric sequences, also for Wednesday, and ~1500 words on Mill's concept of pleasure for Philosophy tute on Friday. Plus the usual turn of classes and lectures. I hope never have to have a week like the last one again.

The bright spot was the fact clareyperson was here over the weekend, and much fun was had by all. I haven't seen Clare in months, and it was so good to have here here; she came with me to the Balliol bonfire party yesterday night. (Balliol's connection with Guy Fawkes is person; the college owned the pub, The Catherine Wheel, where the conspirators hatched their plot, and the current site of where the pub used to be is right here, on the staircase I live in.) Sadly, our fireworks were a little dwarfed by the Catz ones. But the guy was good - he had an "I LOVE TRINITY" sign on him - and there was much merriment as he was pitched into the flames.

The Hallowe'en bop came afterwards, but it wasn't great fun; the music was rubbishy and there wasn't a decent Gordouli. It was the first time I've heard anyone sing the verses, though.

Yes, my life is terribly boring. Yesterday Clare and I went to buy milk, stopped in HMV and I found the Firefly DVD boxset for £17.99, with student discount. The best sixteen pounds I've spent recently, without a doubt; I'm working my way through, and Clare and I saw the pilot and The Train Job this afternoon. This was after a day of in-college laziness and ice-cream from G&D's, so there was some niceness in the world. I guess there may even be fannishness round these parts, if I ever get the time to watch them all.

Actually, speaking of my life being boring, Clare's being here brought several aspects of it into sharp relief. I forget - it's so easy to forget! - the small, insular bubble I live in, of old stone and college rivalries and PPE craziness, that's so far removed from everywhere else as to be another world. Clare thought the collegiate system particularly weird, that a college could be such a defining characteristic, and on one level I agree with her, but on another quite different level, I can't imagine a world without my college being the centre of my university life. It's all terribly peculiar and not something I'd given much thought to before.

I apologise for the tedious tone of this so far. I'm feeling burnt-out, like I've got nothing else to give. I spent the evening in the laundry room, in the cold, trying to read for my essay, but really staring into space in the murky basement and not able to concentrate on a word of it. The laundry got done, and so did the essay in the end, but I'm still all slow and stupid and without any real will to do anything. I guess I'd just like a day off.

I'll delete this in the morning, no doubt; it wasn't supposed to come out like this.

Comments

[culturedgoat.livejournal.com]

After watching the whole of Firefly over the course of a couple of weeks, I finally caught up Serenity this weekend. Oh man. Firefly was great, but Serenity was just amazing.

But anyway, Firefly: for me, my favourite moment in the series is in The Train Job, when the scary torturer dude is handcuffed up, leans forward to Mal and starts telling him "...no matter how far you fly, I will find you, and the last thing you will see is my blade."
Mal: "Darn." *kicks him into the jet*

Joss Whedon has made me a happy boy.

xxx

SPOILER WARNING: This comment contained spoilers.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*g* I love that. The best bit is the next bit, though; Mal grabs another guy and starts giving me the exact same spiel, word for word. Love it.

[robette-wild.livejournal.com]

Aw, hun. *HUGS*

Uh, mistyped that as *huges* for a moment there. I mean, I know I've been eating a lot of Hassan's recently, but that's just ridiculous.

We were warned about 5th week blues here. Chocolate and girly films help, apparently. <3

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*g* You and Hassan's! Chips with cheese are love.

Also, I meant to ask you: can I have GO back for this week? I want it when going to see Pterry at the Union in case I can get him to sign it. Are you coming? Because there will be gleeeee.

[robette-wild.livejournal.com]

When is the thing? Is it Wednesday? My brain gave up on me at the end of 3rd week... I do want to come, very much. I think there'll be a few Hertfordians going along.

Of course you can have GO back! I'm only about halfway through, I can't believe how little reading time I seem to have. I'm loving it very much, though. What's the best way of sending it to you? Can I just wander into Balliol lodge and stick it in your pidge? Or do I have to ask some portery type person? Or would you prefer to meet up? Shall I stop asking questions now?

Mmmm. Hassans. If I wasn't so full up from the law dinner last night, I'd be feeling hungry about now. :D omgonionrings.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's tomorrow and you have to come omg. It'll be such fun.

You can have it back after tomorrow, promise! I'd like to see you properly, actually; when are you free? If not, you'll have to ask the porters just because my pidge is behind a combination-locked door.

Onion rings! *loves*

[robette-wild.livejournal.com]

I'm meant to have a lecture at 12, but it's Roman Law, which means I'll probably stay in bed. I'm also supposed to be going shopping whenever Steph gets out of labs, which could be any time, but I should be done by about 4ish, hopefully.

(Also there's this thing called work that people keep talking about, and I get the feeling I'm supposed to be doing it as well.)

I don't know what time you want to meet - we can meet up in the afternoon for coffee or something, or meet early for the talky thing, it's up to you. I'll bring GO along with me. :)

Now I want onion rings. And I know Hassan will be there right now and it's taking a lot of willpower not to go out and get some.

*twitches*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I have a tute I'm hoping not to sleep through that finishes at four, at Somerville (groan). I'll text you when I get out.

[robette-wild.livejournal.com]

Heh, I have no idea where Somerville is, but it sounds far away. :D

(And yes, I did sleep too late to go to Roman. I set my alarm and everything! Honest!)

[thiswaltz.livejournal.com]

Oh, you sound so bogged down :-( and stressed out. I wish i could say something helpful, but i get the same way when overwhelmed and I'm terrible at coping so i've got no advice. Except that, it is true that school isn't the whole world and maybe not every assignment has to be perfect or even completely one time... Not that I've ever been able to let myself operate like that, I kill myself with perfectionism every time- but it's good to be flexible, right?

hope you feel better soon. constant panic is not fun at all.

On a lighter note Yay for Firefly! :-) Whedon-Banter is a great thing, isn't it :-D.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I am bogged down, and I am stressed out, and I'm probably alienating all my friends in the process of being so. My apologies. The panic has abated slightly, so maybe things are looking up. Thanks for your nice words, I do appreciate them, and all the nice things you and others have said to try and cheer me up.

Firefly is the only thing keeping me sane. it is LOVE.

[gwynnega]

::big hugs:: Sorry you're having a rough time! Hope it gets easier soon. But at least you have Firefly!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I do love Firefly. I'm wondering where all the good fic is at.

[emily-shore.livejournal.com]

Trust me, Oxford does that to you. I did plenty of panicking and crying in my first term as well, even though it's not my style at all. The good news is, it gets better eventually. The bad news is, you just have to wait...

Oh, and those fireworks that were going off during Balliol's fireworks... they didn't belong to Catz. That was the official city fireworks display that was going on in South Parks. Which explains why they were about five times as big as ours. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I'm waiting. Siiigh. There is good stuff going on too, it's just sort of eclipsed.

Ohhh. I sort of assumed Catz because they were the only college in that direction. No wonder they were so good! (And I always forget you're at Balliol too! I mean, I forget Holywell is part of Balliol. *shakes head*)

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

*hugs you hard*

Damn, and I was going to burn you Firefly....

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*clings*

Hey, it's the thought. And I seem to remember you reccing Firefly fic a while back, so I'll go and have a look when I get the time.

Talking of which, how are you getting on with the good Doctor?

[(Anonymous)]

It's probably better than you own it legitimately anyway. :) So glad to hear you're enjoying it; it's such a fun show.

I haven't had time to watch any of the episodes I downloaded recently, but what I've seen is... strangely compelling for something so consciously camp. And--I was going to say something else but just realized my laundry has been sitting in the washer for an hour and aaaaagh must run and do things again.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

That'd be me.

[tau_sigma]

*hugs you ever so much*

I wish there was something I could do to help. Just think, only 4 weeks of term left. You can get through this, and enjoy it, and do well, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

If you ever want to talk (or just cry down the phone at someone), I'm here (07792 693865).

*hugs again* Hope things get better soon.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*loves* You're so nice to me, and I really appreciate it. I'm hoping to brighten up and not be so miserable soon, but it's hard going.

[quackaquacka.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're all stressed out :(

*hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Hey, glad you found someone for Kelly.

[mettanna.livejournal.com]

I can't say anything that would mean anything, because i'm useless like that. But i'm commenting anyway, just to let you know that you are much loved, and i hope you feel so much better soon :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*loves* Thanks so much.

[tmpe5t.livejournal.com]

I'm not stalking your LJ all the time. Honest.

Take this from an old goth... All the way you're feeling is normal, natural and pretty standard. You've obviously got a brain the size of several planets, you're articulate beyond your years [/patronising] and you write fab stories with Girl!doctors in. You'll go far.

And in the meantime, i insist you go and visit scoobygang63 I suspect you will get on...

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's nice to have you here, don't worry.

And you're so nice to me; I don't deserve all this love when I'm being such a miserable wet blanket. Thanks so much. *loves*