Perdue

[raven]

Abruptly, I'm feeling homesick and blue. I don't know why. Most likely it's because my mother visited today, and it was lovely to see her - she spent the afternoon and we had lunch and a general wander round Oxford - but then of course she went away again, and now I feel blue. She and Pedar are in London now, and she asked me to come back with her, spend the night and come back in the morning, and I said no because of logic, and now it turns out the logic is all done and the lecture I thought I had tomorrow is not happening, and I could have gone after all. Predictably, this makes me feel worse; at leas then I could see Pedar as well, but his meeting overran and he couldn't come at all.

From this point, I don't see my family until December and I just feel really depressed. It's not that I hate this place - quite the reverse - but I haven't fallen in love with the student lifestyle as others seem to have done. I mean, I do like it here. Most of all, I love the fact that freshers' week is over. I hate that I've got more work this week than I've had in a lifetime so far. (I'm covering thirty-two chapters of microeconomics in four weeks, formal logic in eight weeks and A-level maths in sixteen weeks.) I love my beautiful attic room and how wholly mine it feels. I hate the six flights of stairs between me and the nearest bathroom. I love all the new people I meet every day. I hate feeling intellecually inferior and hopelessly provincial all the time. I love being able to go out and stay out as long as I want. I hate coming back to an empty room. I love being away from home. I hate it.

And it's more leaning towards the latter, right now. I miss my family and my home, and they do feel very far away. Everyone here is a southerner, and you always hear about how such-and-such a person popped home for the weekend to London, or Kent, or Cambridge, or somewhere else resolutely south of Watford Gap. I want to be somewhere with flatter vowels and greyer skies.

I miss my family, I miss my home, and the weirdest thing of all is that I miss the sea. Perhaps I only miss the sound through my window, but it's something tangibly different. This is a different place and time, here; I haven't been further from Balliol than I can walk in the last two weeks, and by December I'll have been more than two months without setting eyes on a television or using any form of transport, so perhaps it's claustrophobia, as well. My mother brought my camera up with her, and I looked through all the pictures I'd taken over the summer, including some lovely ones of the beach at Formby, which just consist of sand and sky and open space.

I guess it'll be better in the morning. Then, I've got the morning earmarked for writing up lecture notes and five hours of logic tutorials in the afternoon, so perhaps not.

Comments

[foulds.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know exactly how you feel, though I felt it last year after Jen left. I had a really nasty emotional rollercoaster, loving some things, hating others. It all gets better, I promise.

The strange thing is, I miss the Loundon Memorial, this crappy little statue in Ashby, but I always go to see it when I go home. :)

[potatofiend.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sorry you're feeling down, hon.

[gwynnega]

::hugs::

[the-acrobat.livejournal.com]

Iona, here is the biggest, warmest hug in the world for you from one "provincial" to another. Different country, different university, different culture, but I echo what you express here in so many ways. Many of my friends and most of my students here are only two hours from home by car, where I have a two-to-three day trainride home. And I, too, miss the geography of home. So from one person far away to another, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, and more HUGS. It will get easier. Trust me.

[minkboylove.livejournal.com]

I hate feeling intellectually inferior and hopelessly provincial all the time.

The 'provincial' wears off as you settle in, and one thing you are most certainly not is intellectually inferior.

I know it's very hard, but hang in there.

[robette-wild.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, you make me feel incredibly intellectually inferior.

And it's not just you that feels low. I know it doesn't feel like it but there are loads of people here who feel just as crap, me included. Being away from home for the first time is really scary and I don't know about you, but I'm fighting the urge to just run to the station and hop on the next train. But it will get better. The internet told me, so it must be true. I'm here if you're lonely, though, so email or text or something if you want anything. Except money. :P

And if it doesn't get better, we can run home anyway. Even an Oxford degree isn't worth three years of misery.

(Tell you what I don't miss. Seagulls.)

Good luck with your logic :D *hugs*

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

*points up* What they said. I felt that way my first year, too; many, if not most, people do. It does get better. I'm not even sure how it does, but it does.

I haven't been further from Balliol than I can walk in the last two weeks, and by December I'll have been more than two months without setting eyes on a television or using any form of transport, so perhaps it's claustrophobia, as well.

Oh, boy, do I feel you on this one. Whenever I go home, just being in a car or watching television is like a revelation. What kind of places can you get to on foot? Is there any way to just get out for a day trip or anything? I find that I have to leave every now and then--even if it's just to take the shuttle into town--or I'll go insane.

On a brighter note, tonight my mother and I spent quite a while discussing the possibility of a semester/year abroad at Oxford in 2006-2007. AH.

[broncobabe007.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I remember doing all of that in March. Hell, I still get incredible bouts of homesickness. It does get better though *more hugs*.

[kuteki.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* I know how you feel, it will hopefully lessen with time.

Do you not love logics, valid arguments are like the best thing ever! :D

[ladyfalcon.livejournal.com]

I feel for you. Just hang in there. The more connections you make there, the easier it is to bear missing home.

Is it not usual for university students in England to bring televisions to school with them? How weird. I think any American student's head would explode at the mere thought.

[eternalwings.livejournal.com]

Awwww, hope you feel better! Don't know when Miranda is posting but look out for the rambling letter of doom! From me heh.
Dad sat on your postcard last night.
"Sam, what am I sitting on?"
me: "a Camel. Oh and Iona."
dad: *confused expression*

I've got classics with Mr.Lamb today, and from what he makes references to a lot in his teaching I really hope he doesn't mention things that I will get and the rest of the class will stare blankly at.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

I keep forgetting to say: your postcard from Egypt arrived earlier this week. I was going to write Daniel fic in honour of that and the new series, but then I missed the first episode on Tuesday and discovered that I didn't care, so that plan sort of fell by the wayside. But I do like the postcard. Thank you.

[pinkishmew.livejournal.com]

Everyone I've met that's "from the North" (i.e. anywhere above Loughborough rather than below) had been feeling rather lonely due to all us Southerners. I don't tend to notice, but then, I am one of them Southerners. (We had a whole vowel-sound conversation yesterday.)

You Bronte sister, you. [cuddle] I'm sorry that you're feeling so homesick, especially when your home sounds frankly gorgeous and magnificent. My home is practically the same as here - just about in a town, bit of green, some squirrels (omg I love the squirrels) and forgetting to socialise. It's still really tough though.

[vj85.livejournal.com]

It doesn't sound like you have any time for anything at the moment, but if/when you do, go out a bit further afield. Have you tried Christ Church meadow, Magdalen College grounds, the Botanic Gardens, University Parks, etc.? In some spots you can be totally out of sight and pretty nearly out of earshot of the city. There's Port Meadow, too, in North Oxford, which is cool because (if I remember correctly from a random lecture comment last year) the people living around its edges all have the right to graze sheep on it - not that most of them actually own any.

It *does* get irritating and depressing when other people go off home so easily. Before I came here, the longest I'd ever been away from home was three weeks, and the longest away from my parents only one week - and that was a school trip with teachers and friends I knew. In my first term at Oxford, I saw my father for one evening in nine weeks, and I didn't see Mum at all. I'm from even further north than you are - Glasgow - so getting home for a visit is virtually impossible, and I've only ever done it once. Believe me, though - it *does* get better with time.

So find those green spaces, have a wander round North and South Oxford (which, in different ways, feel much more like a "real place" than the city centre does), concentrate on the things you do love about here and wait for the greyer skies! They will come here, with frost and mist and maybe snow if we're lucky...

Best wishes from a fellow northerner.

:)

The Lanky Bugger

[(Anonymous)]

Ach, dinnae worry lass. The auld homeache fades with the sun. Jest keep yer hands from idlin and yer mind follows. Beside, tomorrow is a great big fish!

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

*more hugs*

Claustrophobia sounds pretty reasonable, and is maybe what you can do most about. Even if you have to work, I agree that finding a quiet open space in the parks or similar might help. I'm sure you'll get more used to living here, but the eight-week terms are intense and pretty fucking scary and it would be much weirder not to find it all crazy. Don't know that helps so much when you're feeling down, though. <3

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

Eh oop, lass, I 'ave the same problem, bein' too far oop north, like...

Although Scottish people? In the minority. Northerners? Even worse. I have found *counts* well, including the people from college, I've met about 7. God, that's depressing.

This is all very scary but after a couple of weeks it does settle down. I wanted nothing more than to run away and cry in my first academic week. now I'm getting to grips with the hefty workload, and what I can afford to skive.

And yes, the cluastrophobia is awful. I am so glad I have Starbug - just driving to the train station in the next town in comforting.

(Do you have a room number? Will text you mine if you want a chat.)

[cedara]

*hugs*

Is it possible to go to the coast over the weekend? Even if it's not home, you could take the sound of the sea back to Balliol with you.

Just a thought. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *loves* It's the silly things that we all miss, I reckon.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*loves*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*many many hugs* I trust you.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hug*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Heee, as if. :)

I'd like very much to see you again. I am definitely going to DocSoc on Monday, so there's that, and we might see each other in silly clothes tomorrow. Beyond that, let's make a concrete date to meet this week and be silly and talk about gin and not mention work at all. :)

And there's something in your pidge for you. :)

There should be a surprise in your pidge tomorrow.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I believe you. I'm waiting for it to get better, and it's better tonight than it was yesterday. A lighter shade of grey, as I told Hannah this morning. :)

There are a lot of places I can get to on foot, actually. I live right on Cornmarket, which is the centre of the city, almost; it's fifteen minutes' walk to the University parks and the botanical garden and half an hour to the "real world". I just don't have the time to walk and walk like I did at home. One thing I'd love to do is either get into London or somehow to the sea coast; it's a matter of freeing up a day. Maybe when my workload dissipatees. (If it ever does. Sigh.)

Gleeeee. That would be amazing. Oh, so amazing. All the American undergrads wandering about the place being all cool and collected, that could be you. Eeee.

Out of curiosity, how does the programme work? Is it arranged with one particular college here, or with the University? And do students from here go out there?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Aww, thank you. I hope it does get better.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I hope so too.

Do I love it? I loathe it! Valid arguments make my head hurt like a hurty thing. Sigh.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm doing my best, and hopefully I won't fall apart again.

It's not unheard of, but unusual because none of us can afford the £180 license fee. I certainly can't. Why, it represents at least a hundred kebabs and fifty shots of cheap vodka! :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the postcards have actually started to arrive. Finally!

I miss you all DESPERATELY. Especially in the mornings when I'm waking up, I go to the college library to work and just miss the conversation. I'm also v. disappointed to miss the couch and Mr Lamb and all the other stuff!

Not coming to Prizegiving. Don't kill me! It's just it's on a Wednesday, and I can't. I might come for a day in early December.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Ah, finally! They've all taken such a long time. I'm glad you liked it.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Ah, you southerners. You're taking over the world bit by bit. It's another country down here in some respects.

Heh, I don't live in Haworth Parsonage in the middle of nowhere. I do live somewhere rather beautiful, though, and I do miss it, but it's 'cause it's home. You know what I mean. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Before now, I'd been away from home for two months, but not away from my family for more than two weeks. I still haven't been away from them for more than two weeks! Even so, it's not very nice, and getting home to visit will probably be impossible. Sigh.

I'll take your advice, when I have a free day. I haven't seen the University Parks and the Botanic Garden since I was very young. I need somewhere to walk.

Thanks. :)

Re: The Lanky Bugger

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*loves*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I like the eight-week terms or not. On the one hand they are so intense and so scary, but on the other hand I get to go home sooner! I'll like them in December. I'll go out to the parks one day this week, maybe Sunday. I've never been, and I'd love to see them.

Thanks for the hugs. :)

[minkboylove.livejournal.com]

The first term blues are always the worst, because you're away from home, it's turning colder and you're adjusting to a tremendous workload. But it won't always be winter, it will sometimes be christmas (with your family) and you'll get used to the work.

(Although bear in mind I say this as a college dropout. ;-) I plead mitigating circumstances in my case.)

[robette-wild.livejournal.com]

Hurray, pigeon post! I'll have to check my pidge in the morning. :D

There's a Harry Potter Society meeting tomorrow afternoon at about four, are you going to go to that? I'll probably go if I have time so I might see you there? Not sure what my timetable's like for next week but I'll let you know so we can meet up again. Yay! :D

I wish nobody was going to see me in silly clothes tomorrow. Sadly, there will even be photographic evidence.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

There are precious few here. One or two - the people I was at school with, and Claire and one of the PPEists went to KGV - but so many southerners.

You're quite lucky to have been there so long already. I've been here not quite two weeks - matriculation tomorrow at seven thirty - and I'm still floundering. I wish I had a car (and a driving license, but let's stick to achievable goals) or even a bike. I'd like so much to get out of here for a day.

(I do, yes! I'll email it to you and we should have a proper chat; I haven't spoken to you since that day I was buying stationery!)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

That is a nice idea. I'll look into it, I think; I would absolutely love to see the sea coast. Thanks. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Why did I write that twice? It's late, I plead academic fuzziness.

I was planning to blitz the economics and then go if I finished it. If we both manage it, then yay! And if not, we'll make time. :)

And don't forget, tourists will follow us around and take pictures!

[robette-wild.livejournal.com]

Noooo! There'll just be more evidence of how stupid I look in my gown. Perhaps I should just embrace it and spend the day doing very bad Dracula impersonations.

I vaaant to suck your bloood...

Then again maybe not. I plead academic fuzziness too!

Hopefully see you tomorrow :D

[tau_sigma]

*hugs* It will get better. Remember: you're entirely un-intellectually inferior (for instance, you could probably have said that in a much better way. But I'm going to leave that as is, as demonstration of my grammatical ineptitude, and hopefully it'll give you a laugh :).

I am also fed up of boarding school accents and thoroughly proper vowels. This despite the fact that my own accent is probably not that dissimilar *cringe* I hope I don't sound like they do... (and doesn't that sound mean of me. Ah well.)

*hugs again*

Sorry for the ramblingness, Bed is in order, methinks.

[eternalwings.livejournal.com]

Hey I'm not going if I manage it! I never win anything!
But you HAVE to be here for brokeback mountain YOU HAVETO!

[pinkishmew.livejournal.com]

I miss home. [sympathetic hugs]

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see. I am now conditioned to assume that all institutes of higher learning are in the middle of nowhere, but really that's just mine. *grins*

I assure you, I would not be one of the cool and collected ones if I ended up there! And from what I hear, the application process for studying abroad at Oxford is--unsurprisingly--very competitive. So I'm not getting my hopes up.

It's all very complicated. I'm still trying to figure it out. There are various organizations here that send you to foreign schools, get you a place to stay, help you work out your plan of study (so the credits will transfer properly back to your home college), etc. So first I have to figure out which organization to do it through, since a lot of them work with Oxford. As far as I know most of them aren't affiliated with any particular college, just the University as a whole. (I really should actually read the brochures, but I am still too intimidated by everything I need to do, and am still trying to decide what I want.)

I think they only work one way--that is, they take American students to Britain, but not vice versa. They're all US-based.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*g* Well, Cambridge actually is. But we don't talk about that place.

Oh, no, you so would. For some reason all the American undergrads drift through life with this aura of effortless cool. It's something about the drawn-out vowels. And believe me, I have every confidence in your ability to kick the arse of the competition. Or, alternatively, if I did it anyone can. :P

That's really interesting; so the University's visiting students really can end up in any college? (I met a girl from Columbia (err, the college, not the country) yesterday, visiting St Peter's for a year; I'm guessing your situation will be the same sort of thing.)