Every day I wake up and it's Sunday...

[raven]

Why skip=120? I hadn't been away anywhere!

In truth, I have been away inside my own head for a while. I'm still feeling a lot like I want to give up on the world for a while. It would be nice to have some out-of-my-head time. Since my disastrous weekend, which involved more crushing depression and low-level sulking that I can comfortably relate, I have wandered in a sleepy haze through everything. In the morning, I got out of bed because I was numbed to everything and gave up on the complaining. I went to school, even. Finished re-reading Song of the Lioness. I went to assembly. I went to lessons. I was doing well.

They announced the subject prizes this morning (no word on the Harrison scholarships just as yet). I won the Politics prize and was commended for my English. I rather wish they'd been the other way round, but you can't have everything. Actually, it would have been fun to have got, say, a Chemistry prize, because that would have made a point. Told my parents, but they don't care. Didn't expect them to, really.

I was in the library when Miranda asked me for a favour. Considering she's the sort of person who asks you to translate mad German/Latin war-chants as a favour, I was wary. She wanted eggs. She needed eggs. I had flashbacks to the Friends episode where Eddie moves in. "Your eggs aren't here! You took your eggs, and you left! Did you think I'd never find new eggs?!"

She was doing Cooking on a Budget (or a budgie, apparently - am I the only one with visions of a wok balanced on a budgie?) and had no eggs for her sponge pudding. I met her at lunch and we went to Sainsbury's, narrowly avoiding being the scary people who buy eggs and only eggs.

We put the eggs in the library office and went to lunch. It made sense at the time. On the way to lunch, Miranda quoted me at me. I maintain that's not fair.

It seems that whatever happens, I have to drift to lessons and do the whole A-level thing. I went to Chemistry. I answered questions correctly and I said something logical about hydrogen cyanide. I asked, "Should it worry me that I find this hard?" and the answer was no. I feel better about that. I only want to understand things. I have no real objection to education, believe me.

I want to feel better, I do. I don't want to drift through life feeling this awful. It seems to me that maybe I've just let myself fall down deep and let this happen. Maybe. I'd like to have a normal life, busy working with real life and fandom and everything in between. I don't want to be so reluctant to get out of bed in the morning.

So, I'm trying. I'm going to update my journal properly again, with less of the cryptic. I'm going to try and keep on top of work and maybe start writing properly again. In that vein, two more things:

amchau has written Ethan/Ripper, which I am yet to read but the thought of it has cheered me up somewhat.

And, a fic of mine has been nominated for an award. The fic is The Sleepwalker; or, Like Dead Flowers, and the category is best plot. I've no objection to this - quite the opposite, in fact! - but as regards the fic and the category it's nominated in, my reaction is a resounding wha-huh?

Heh. We shall see.

Comments

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

Oh! WELL DONE! *glomps* For everything thats gone right!!
xx

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on all your prizes/commendations/nominations! You will yet rule the world.

Considering she's the sort of person who asks you to translate mad German/Latin war-chants as a favour, I was wary.

Hee. I wish I knew that sort of person. Right now, I'm doing well when I find people who ask me to define common English words. *bashes head in*

I am eating my own bag of Starburst jelly beans and thinking of you. (I'm turning into that grocery store's main source of candy-related income.) Hope things pick up.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Everything gets immeasurably better when you've done your A levels. Seriously. Even people I know who went to Oxbridge where 90% of their degrees depended on their finals found them less stressful than A levels. And doing A levels and UCAS at the same time is also evil, so you'll feel at least a bit better once that's out the way.

Won't be forever. Really, really won't be forever.

[tygermoonfoxx.livejournal.com]

You have my sympathies for your depression. When I get into one of those moods, I find it difficult to do more than get dressed if I manage that and then I nap my way through the day. Hopefully it will get better soon. I know it's got to be hard with the days getting shorter.

Congratulations on your awards, including the fan-fic nomination.

[daemongirl.livejournal.com]

hullo *waves* neglected you for quite some time, but i'm back now, i promise.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I got the instructions for filling in my UCAS form online today, and came home and cried with the stress of it all-- homework, form, etc... this too shall pass, or so I'm told. *more hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Hee! Thank you!

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Ruling the world? Once I've done my A-levels, it's the next thing on the agenda. Heh. This is provided the sentient life-forms evolving in the carpet don't beat me to it.

Miranda is the sort of person you really, really want on your side. I shudder to think what favours she'd ask if she didn't like me.

I bought two 10p bags of jelly beans this afternoon, too, and thought of you while I ate them. A synchronicity that borders on predestination... :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I hope you're right. As it happens, the UCAS deadline is the day I break up for half term, so I feel much sleeping and alcohol will be in order...

One more year, as I keep on saying.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

There's nothing I'd like more than to sleep through the day, but I know I can't. If I miss a single day, I'm screwed. It's why I went to school today in a drug-induced haze.

Thank you! The odd award does make me feel better. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

That's very nice to hear. *waves madly back*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's awful, isn't it? I'm just hoping and praying for October 15th to come and go.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

That will certainly make life simpler-- at least, once October 15th has been and gone and one's either put in the form or not, the choice is made for at least the next year, and one's either on the way to a place (and can therefore put the whole blasted business out of one's mind for little while), or actively decided not to apply, and therefore free to concentrate on looking after one's health/doing one's schoolwork/not going insane under the pressure.

You know something? I really quite dislike my life. Especially right now.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

P.S. I apologise for the bitching, whinging, and general high levels of angst currently surrounding me.

Let's talk about something cheerful. Remus or Daniel or Milton Keynes.