"I love you, I'm not gonna crack..."
Jul. 12th, 2002 08:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravenI hate my family at present. Make that my mother. She strides in at six thirty, in a holy Vatican righteous rage because I haven't done this that or whatever. "Yes, hello, mother, I've just been fucking lonely and completely myself for the last seven hours, how are you?"
But she hates everything about me. She loves me, I think, but she doesn't like me. There's a world of difference. She hates everything I am, everything I've become, she hates how I'm so different from the other little Indian girls.
And yet... I don't wish I was like those little girls. They're trapped, just as I am, but I'm lucky inasmuch as I know I'm trapped. I can fight and bite and break free - they'll die in chains. I will not be crushed just because of where I come from. I will not let them crush me.
Even the one who loves me most - my bua - thinks I'm too much. She thinks I should listen to Britney Spears, wear pretty pink jeans, and not argue my point, but just say namaste like a good little girl. And this from someone who loves me and understands me. She does - she's very like me in many ways. Maybe I will end up like her, but I don't want that.
I feel like I have to make a choice - either I fight, break free, do everything I wanted and forget my heritage and my family and my lineage, or I stay true to my roots and let myself be crushed!
Who am I? I see myself as having to shock them, scare them, rebel against them, because it's all I know how to do. If I don't, then I'll have fallen into the trap. I'll grow up, become a doctor, work for a few years and then give it up in favour of marriage to a nice Hindu professional boy, settle down, have children, first a boy and then a girl, live long enough to see them repeat the pattern and then die.
And in my version - I want to do so much. I want to grow up and learn how to write well, how to appreciate good writing and good music, to write, review, criticise, get a career and make a name for myself. If I meet someone - maybe. If not, fuck the institution of marriage. I want to die happy.
But I don't want to forget where I've come from. I want to be proud of who I am. But it seems to escape I have to break my family's heart and die alone.
Until not very long ago I used to think I would give in eventually, but I can't. Fairly soon, I'll have done my GCSEs and then I'll have to tell the world what I'm going to do with my life.
But she hates everything about me. She loves me, I think, but she doesn't like me. There's a world of difference. She hates everything I am, everything I've become, she hates how I'm so different from the other little Indian girls.
And yet... I don't wish I was like those little girls. They're trapped, just as I am, but I'm lucky inasmuch as I know I'm trapped. I can fight and bite and break free - they'll die in chains. I will not be crushed just because of where I come from. I will not let them crush me.
Even the one who loves me most - my bua - thinks I'm too much. She thinks I should listen to Britney Spears, wear pretty pink jeans, and not argue my point, but just say namaste like a good little girl. And this from someone who loves me and understands me. She does - she's very like me in many ways. Maybe I will end up like her, but I don't want that.
I feel like I have to make a choice - either I fight, break free, do everything I wanted and forget my heritage and my family and my lineage, or I stay true to my roots and let myself be crushed!
Who am I? I see myself as having to shock them, scare them, rebel against them, because it's all I know how to do. If I don't, then I'll have fallen into the trap. I'll grow up, become a doctor, work for a few years and then give it up in favour of marriage to a nice Hindu professional boy, settle down, have children, first a boy and then a girl, live long enough to see them repeat the pattern and then die.
And in my version - I want to do so much. I want to grow up and learn how to write well, how to appreciate good writing and good music, to write, review, criticise, get a career and make a name for myself. If I meet someone - maybe. If not, fuck the institution of marriage. I want to die happy.
But I don't want to forget where I've come from. I want to be proud of who I am. But it seems to escape I have to break my family's heart and die alone.
Until not very long ago I used to think I would give in eventually, but I can't. Fairly soon, I'll have done my GCSEs and then I'll have to tell the world what I'm going to do with my life.