(no subject)
May. 11th, 2002 08:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravenI have finally realised what my problem is. It's awareness. I'm too aware of everything, because I analyse everything to death, hypothesising and extrapolating and I always have to think about tomorrow, what's going to happen tomorrow... I can never react spontaneously either - I have to think about everything I do and say.
I can't lighten up, like people sometimes tell me to. That's not in my nature, and that's why I get depressed - because I can see everything that's going to happen, and I don't like it - I'm depressed because there's no way out of it.
I'm so aware of myself and what's going to happen to me, I have to hold everyone at arm's length - and that might be why I'm afraid of hugging! I can't hang by a moment - that's all I ever want to do, but I can't. And my eccentricities come from the whirling thoughts inside my head - I think so deeply and so much that I can't concentrate on here and now. That's why I hold a kettle the wrong way, that's why I sometimes take a hugely complicated route when a simple one would suffice, it even explains why I use long words when short ones will do.
I can't stop myself from doing all these things any more than I can stop myself from breathing.
I can't lighten up, like people sometimes tell me to. That's not in my nature, and that's why I get depressed - because I can see everything that's going to happen, and I don't like it - I'm depressed because there's no way out of it.
I'm so aware of myself and what's going to happen to me, I have to hold everyone at arm's length - and that might be why I'm afraid of hugging! I can't hang by a moment - that's all I ever want to do, but I can't. And my eccentricities come from the whirling thoughts inside my head - I think so deeply and so much that I can't concentrate on here and now. That's why I hold a kettle the wrong way, that's why I sometimes take a hugely complicated route when a simple one would suffice, it even explains why I use long words when short ones will do.
I can't stop myself from doing all these things any more than I can stop myself from breathing.