live through this
May. 28th, 2003 12:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravenIt's all going wrong.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd spent the whole day feeling tired and ill and then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for much too long. At about midnight, I got up again and wrote for a while. Not on the computer - with my pen on that refill pad I like so much - and I think I wrote for maybe an hour, perhaps more, but it was a different fandom, and meh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have even tried. I don't want to look at what I've written because it's probably all a pile of crap.
And I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I might have fallen asleep eventually, but for some reason my alarm chose not to go off and I woke up at twelve, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I can't let it happen because I end up waking up later and later every day, and that's not what I'm aiming for, not at all.
Pedar's coming back in a couple of hours, so I have to get myself together, take a shower, get dressed, and I just don't want to. I think I'm losing sight of everything that brought me to this point - say "revise", I don't want to revise. I don't care. It's such a beautiful system that forces people to the point where they don't care. Exams are all very well, but I don't care any more. If I pass them, I get my future mapped out for me by my mother because I'm so goddamn clever. If I really were, I'd get myself out while I still had a chance. If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise. I'd earn money and think it would change my life. My life is currently beyond the point of changing. I don't want to be something that I'm not, I don't want more histrionics, the easy way out is just to lie. It's what I've been doing. "Yes, of course I want to be a doctor, why do you doubt me so much?"
And the answer is easy. She doubts me because I'm lying. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be anything. Right at this moment I don't even want to be conscious.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd spent the whole day feeling tired and ill and then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for much too long. At about midnight, I got up again and wrote for a while. Not on the computer - with my pen on that refill pad I like so much - and I think I wrote for maybe an hour, perhaps more, but it was a different fandom, and meh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have even tried. I don't want to look at what I've written because it's probably all a pile of crap.
And I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I might have fallen asleep eventually, but for some reason my alarm chose not to go off and I woke up at twelve, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I can't let it happen because I end up waking up later and later every day, and that's not what I'm aiming for, not at all.
Pedar's coming back in a couple of hours, so I have to get myself together, take a shower, get dressed, and I just don't want to. I think I'm losing sight of everything that brought me to this point - say "revise", I don't want to revise. I don't care. It's such a beautiful system that forces people to the point where they don't care. Exams are all very well, but I don't care any more. If I pass them, I get my future mapped out for me by my mother because I'm so goddamn clever. If I really were, I'd get myself out while I still had a chance. If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise. I'd earn money and think it would change my life. My life is currently beyond the point of changing. I don't want to be something that I'm not, I don't want more histrionics, the easy way out is just to lie. It's what I've been doing. "Yes, of course I want to be a doctor, why do you doubt me so much?"
And the answer is easy. She doubts me because I'm lying. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be anything. Right at this moment I don't even want to be conscious.
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...
on 2003-05-28 09:04 am (UTC)i don't know.. i feel the need to throw my two cents in on this. i'm in my first year of college and i have no idea what i want to do. the two degrees that i am currently simultaneously working on.. i don't necessarily want to use either field of study to start a career. i love to read, and i love to write, and i love pondering the human mind: that's why i'm studying literature and psychology. i don't think it would be such a bad thing to go to culinary school after college is done.. or even better yet, just stay in school for the rest of my life.
i don't know. i suppose i think it's rather inane when teenagers are expected to know what they want to do with their lives. tastes change. when i was 15, i wanted to be a lawyer. my tastes might even change again.. i'm thinking they won't but i'm definitely not ruling out the possibility.
hey. if you ever want to just run away, you can stay with me in beautiful, sunny Florida. ;)