live through this
May. 28th, 2003 12:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravenIt's all going wrong.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd spent the whole day feeling tired and ill and then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for much too long. At about midnight, I got up again and wrote for a while. Not on the computer - with my pen on that refill pad I like so much - and I think I wrote for maybe an hour, perhaps more, but it was a different fandom, and meh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have even tried. I don't want to look at what I've written because it's probably all a pile of crap.
And I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I might have fallen asleep eventually, but for some reason my alarm chose not to go off and I woke up at twelve, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I can't let it happen because I end up waking up later and later every day, and that's not what I'm aiming for, not at all.
Pedar's coming back in a couple of hours, so I have to get myself together, take a shower, get dressed, and I just don't want to. I think I'm losing sight of everything that brought me to this point - say "revise", I don't want to revise. I don't care. It's such a beautiful system that forces people to the point where they don't care. Exams are all very well, but I don't care any more. If I pass them, I get my future mapped out for me by my mother because I'm so goddamn clever. If I really were, I'd get myself out while I still had a chance. If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise. I'd earn money and think it would change my life. My life is currently beyond the point of changing. I don't want to be something that I'm not, I don't want more histrionics, the easy way out is just to lie. It's what I've been doing. "Yes, of course I want to be a doctor, why do you doubt me so much?"
And the answer is easy. She doubts me because I'm lying. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be anything. Right at this moment I don't even want to be conscious.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd spent the whole day feeling tired and ill and then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for much too long. At about midnight, I got up again and wrote for a while. Not on the computer - with my pen on that refill pad I like so much - and I think I wrote for maybe an hour, perhaps more, but it was a different fandom, and meh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have even tried. I don't want to look at what I've written because it's probably all a pile of crap.
And I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I might have fallen asleep eventually, but for some reason my alarm chose not to go off and I woke up at twelve, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I can't let it happen because I end up waking up later and later every day, and that's not what I'm aiming for, not at all.
Pedar's coming back in a couple of hours, so I have to get myself together, take a shower, get dressed, and I just don't want to. I think I'm losing sight of everything that brought me to this point - say "revise", I don't want to revise. I don't care. It's such a beautiful system that forces people to the point where they don't care. Exams are all very well, but I don't care any more. If I pass them, I get my future mapped out for me by my mother because I'm so goddamn clever. If I really were, I'd get myself out while I still had a chance. If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise. I'd earn money and think it would change my life. My life is currently beyond the point of changing. I don't want to be something that I'm not, I don't want more histrionics, the easy way out is just to lie. It's what I've been doing. "Yes, of course I want to be a doctor, why do you doubt me so much?"
And the answer is easy. She doubts me because I'm lying. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be anything. Right at this moment I don't even want to be conscious.
