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D'you know, insomnia really sucks.
Okay, so it's not insomnia, it's jet-lag, but it still really sucks. I've never had jet-lag this bad before. I've been back more than a week and I still can't get to sleep before five am. It's ridiculous and getting quite horrible. It's also mystifying, as I was in Boston, which is barely jet-lag; it's only a four hour difference. I didn't suffer this badly from it after Vancouver or Sydney, which are double that, so I don't know what's going on.
The worst part of it is that I'm running out of things to do. I ought to finish the Feminism Paper That Ate Manhattan, but I can never be bothered to do any work in the middle of the night. Which is a problem, because I don't have any time which isn't in the middle of the night. But I suppose part of the problem is the fact I really don't have anything to do at all. I'm still at home, I don't have a job, everything is getting a bit endless. And at the same time, I don't want to go back. At least, I do, but I'm panicking about it more than I should. I can't help but think I'm going to go back, get settled in, and the very first thing that will happen is my tutors descending en masse, saying something like, "It all matters for your degree now! Mwahahahahah!" (okay, maybe no evil cackling, that may be exaggeration on my part) and promptly drowning me in enough work to warrant a nervous breakdown. And if not a nervous breakdown, then an attack of depression like I had last term. Last term there were a lot of factors at work - the stack of work, the economics tutor who hated me enough to make me talk to a gargoyle, the sinusitis headache that lasted seven weeks, the revision, Susan's death a week before the exams and finally, the exams themselves - to make me rather miserable, and I kind of want to start this year afresh. But I'm terrified I'm going to fuck it up my first week back, and then all I'll want is to go back home.
But I miss Oxford. I miss it a lot. I miss the way I can get up in the morning and plan every day around myself. I miss my friends, and I miss getting texts asking where I am and if I want to come round for soup, and I miss the cold weather, I miss the frosted architecture and the cobblestones, I miss![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jacinthsong and her reprobates, I miss the libaries and the books, I miss pink wine and dancing, I miss my whole life.
So I don't want to go back, and I do. I'm not very good at this, I think. I spend all the time wishing I was somewhere else.
Enough. I'm still at home right now. I think I'm getting a little ahead of myself. At this moment, I am trying to edit a story. Last night I wrote fic. In fact, I wrote an entire three-thousand-word fic in one go. (I guess this is the advantage of insomnia if you're the sort of person who only writes at night and usually doesn't have enough night to do it in.) It's HP fic, gen, and it's supposed to be humour. The thing is, editing it tonight, I come to the realisation that I am just Not Very Funny.
Still. I shall persevere. It's not like I have anything else to do at the moment.
I have finally seen the pilot for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (lots of fun) and (most of) the Supernatural pilot, so I will, at some point, write up my thoughts on those. I also watched the XF episode "Pusher" tonight, and er.... guh. I actually saw the lacklustre sequel to it first (its only selling point is its epsisode title - massive brownie geek points for "Kitsunegari"), so I wasn't expecting much of it, and... guh. That was very good television, but nearly killed me regardless. (Also, I am slightly amused to note that Mulder is one of the few - maybe the only one? - characters in fandom who has canonically tried to kill himself twice.)
I'm also planning at some point to re-watch "Never Again", just because I liked it so much the first time around, and "Home", otherwise known as The One With All The Inbreeding. Never Again is pure crackfic on paper - basic plot: Scully gets sick of Mulder and goes to Philadelphia, has a one-night-stand with some guy whose tattoo talks to him, there's scary stuff involving basement furnaces and Mulder is on a spiritual pilgrimage... to Graceland. Crackfic, except it really isn't, it's actually quite sad and affecting, and I need to rewatch to find out why. (Home is not this ambiguous - it is scary because OMG THEY HAVE SEX WITH THEIR MOTHER UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS. Interestingly, Elvis appears in this one, too.)
Um. I watch too much TV.
Okay, so it's not insomnia, it's jet-lag, but it still really sucks. I've never had jet-lag this bad before. I've been back more than a week and I still can't get to sleep before five am. It's ridiculous and getting quite horrible. It's also mystifying, as I was in Boston, which is barely jet-lag; it's only a four hour difference. I didn't suffer this badly from it after Vancouver or Sydney, which are double that, so I don't know what's going on.
The worst part of it is that I'm running out of things to do. I ought to finish the Feminism Paper That Ate Manhattan, but I can never be bothered to do any work in the middle of the night. Which is a problem, because I don't have any time which isn't in the middle of the night. But I suppose part of the problem is the fact I really don't have anything to do at all. I'm still at home, I don't have a job, everything is getting a bit endless. And at the same time, I don't want to go back. At least, I do, but I'm panicking about it more than I should. I can't help but think I'm going to go back, get settled in, and the very first thing that will happen is my tutors descending en masse, saying something like, "It all matters for your degree now! Mwahahahahah!" (okay, maybe no evil cackling, that may be exaggeration on my part) and promptly drowning me in enough work to warrant a nervous breakdown. And if not a nervous breakdown, then an attack of depression like I had last term. Last term there were a lot of factors at work - the stack of work, the economics tutor who hated me enough to make me talk to a gargoyle, the sinusitis headache that lasted seven weeks, the revision, Susan's death a week before the exams and finally, the exams themselves - to make me rather miserable, and I kind of want to start this year afresh. But I'm terrified I'm going to fuck it up my first week back, and then all I'll want is to go back home.
But I miss Oxford. I miss it a lot. I miss the way I can get up in the morning and plan every day around myself. I miss my friends, and I miss getting texts asking where I am and if I want to come round for soup, and I miss the cold weather, I miss the frosted architecture and the cobblestones, I miss
jacinthsong and her reprobates, I miss the libaries and the books, I miss pink wine and dancing, I miss my whole life. So I don't want to go back, and I do. I'm not very good at this, I think. I spend all the time wishing I was somewhere else.
Enough. I'm still at home right now. I think I'm getting a little ahead of myself. At this moment, I am trying to edit a story. Last night I wrote fic. In fact, I wrote an entire three-thousand-word fic in one go. (I guess this is the advantage of insomnia if you're the sort of person who only writes at night and usually doesn't have enough night to do it in.) It's HP fic, gen, and it's supposed to be humour. The thing is, editing it tonight, I come to the realisation that I am just Not Very Funny.
Still. I shall persevere. It's not like I have anything else to do at the moment.
I have finally seen the pilot for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (lots of fun) and (most of) the Supernatural pilot, so I will, at some point, write up my thoughts on those. I also watched the XF episode "Pusher" tonight, and er.... guh. I actually saw the lacklustre sequel to it first (its only selling point is its epsisode title - massive brownie geek points for "Kitsunegari"), so I wasn't expecting much of it, and... guh. That was very good television, but nearly killed me regardless. (Also, I am slightly amused to note that Mulder is one of the few - maybe the only one? - characters in fandom who has canonically tried to kill himself twice.)
I'm also planning at some point to re-watch "Never Again", just because I liked it so much the first time around, and "Home", otherwise known as The One With All The Inbreeding. Never Again is pure crackfic on paper - basic plot: Scully gets sick of Mulder and goes to Philadelphia, has a one-night-stand with some guy whose tattoo talks to him, there's scary stuff involving basement furnaces and Mulder is on a spiritual pilgrimage... to Graceland. Crackfic, except it really isn't, it's actually quite sad and affecting, and I need to rewatch to find out why. (Home is not this ambiguous - it is scary because OMG THEY HAVE SEX WITH THEIR MOTHER UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS. Interestingly, Elvis appears in this one, too.)
Um. I watch too much TV.
