into the night

It's getting light. It's five in the morning, of course it is. I have been at this the entire night, and I'm not quite halfway through doing what needs to be done. At my current rate of progress, I wouldn't finish this in double the time I have remaining.

But I am calm. I am serene. I am zen. I am very very zen. Things cannot get worse. Of course I said that last week and they did, but I think I mean it this time. I cannot get given more work to do. I suppose I can, theoretically, but they tried to teach me differentiation from first principles last term and some of it stuck, and there's a lot of things about some value n tending towards a limit infinity. Everything tends to a limit, and this is mine. Hence the zen. I think. I don't often see five am from this side and make sense.

I can't remember what I was talking about. Zen. Yes. Me being calm and serene. At the beginning of term, I had a problem about my collections being a bit shit and still having large portions of the syllabus to cover, and the solution was to divide my time up neatly into half and do lots of revision in one half and the syllabus in the other. And then there was a new, improved problem in that I didn't have one essay a week, I had two or mostly three. And the solution was to do twenty minutes of revision here and there around essays so I'd done something in the way of it and henceforth not fail my prelims.

Now the problem is I have so much work I don't have time to sleep, and I am out of ideas. It is a very liberating feeling, being out of ideas. It is like the latest round of Raven vs. The Rest Of The World, and I have lost. The Rest Of The World has just stridden out of the ring, banging its chest and making King Kong noises, and I am lying on the canvas with my eyes closed and thinking: well, at least that's over. Liberating. So there is calmness and serenity.

Flu-type thing is not going away. I think that's why I'm feeling so cold. It can't be that cold in here. I had the window open and now I'm shivering.

Um. Economics is really dull. It's really very dull. Almost as dull as botany. Actually maybe it's slightly more dull than botany, because botany at least has sex-crazed taxonomists saying Freudian things about plants with pointy leaves. Which is quite interesting. But econcomics is just dull. I was telling this to Claire earlier today and I think she thought I was talking total rubbish.

I still am talking total rubbish. I think I just am rubbish. But I am feeling very calm about it.

Dear world: fuck off.

I've had enough. My International Econcomics textbook is a crumpled pile of paper on the other side of the room. Fuck it, fuck Forder and fuck the horses they all rode in on. I'm going to have a bath and watch Doctor Who.