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ravenAll right. I have a decision to make. This is not a decision along the lines of what-do-I-wear or should-I-skive-school-today or even what-GCSEs-should-I-take. This is perhaps the first really big decision of my life.
Pedar has suggested I take the scholarship exam for Benenden in November. Benenden is, as far as I know, an extremely upmarket, toffee-nosed independent school in Kent. The fees are about three times those of Merchants', so the only way I could possibly get in would be through a scholarship. But I could try. There's no guarantee I would get it, but I've got as good a chance as anyone's, maybe better.
But if I went, and got it, it would mean leaving almost everything I've ever known. Boarding school, different life, different everything. Certainly very different from Sixth form at Merchants', which is the only thing I'd ever thought about.
Pedar wants me to have made the decision in time to watch M*A*S*H tomorrow evening. That gives me slightly less than twenty-four hours. He also gave me the following pieces of advice:
"Just because you've never tried something, don't dismiss it out of hand."
"Just because something is available, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do."
"Just because George Bush choked on a pretzel, doesn't mean his policies are all wrong."
And finally, he said the decision must be mine and only mine. I made it that far.
And now the pros and cons.
Boarding - A new experience. Certainly something I've never tried before. Leaving home...
But, less freedom. Pedar doesn't think so, but I do. I wouldn't be such a fangirlie, for one thing. I wouldn't spend so much time online. I would be kept track of, in a way that I hate.
New people. Good thing, I guess, but it'd better be good. I get so cranky where school is concerned, anyway - for me, my real life is here, in this room, at home. It involves Pedar and his philosphy, my fangirlishness, my ability to sleep all day and all night.
And then there's my intrinsic loneliness. Loneliness is a part of my personality (there is a reason my LJ username is![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
loneraven) and it's something I'm comfortable with. I can't sign my life over to the people around me, but in a boarding school, I would constantly be with people, all the time. I would get cranky and lose my temper, and I have a very very long fuse. It takes so much to make me angry, that when I do get angry, I do horrible horrible things. The last time I got really angry, I tried to dislocate Vicky Brade's shoulder and bite into her neck. I didn't succeed, but I could have done.
Could I cope, leaving behind all my friends? It takes so long to make friends - five years I've been here now.
But then, I never regretted moving to Merchants'. But then there's the point I obviously wasn't happy at Birkenhead, and I am happy now. But then, I could have been unhappy because of my age and mental state. Maybe I would have been just as happy now if I'd stayed.
And Pedar. What would I do without him? He is currently my best friend and mentor rolled into one, but he says he'll live without me. He did go on to say he might start talking to himself, but he'd survive without me. It's not as if I would appreciate him more by him not being there, because I appreciate him so much already.
So far it seems like I want to stay here, but when I think about it, I feel like it might be something I'd love and never regret doing. It's like a locked door... there might be Tutankhamun's golden mask behind it, or there might be just a simple rotting corpse.
So what do I do? I've been given the chance to change my life, but do I want my life changed?
And my life will be different next year anyway. I'll be in the Sixth form, and on paper at least, a lot more qualified than I am now. I'll have a great deal more freedom, plus everything I already have.
Could I let my freedom, friends, family and fangirlishness be taken from me on the promise of something different and new?
Maybe I'm afraid.
Pedar has suggested I take the scholarship exam for Benenden in November. Benenden is, as far as I know, an extremely upmarket, toffee-nosed independent school in Kent. The fees are about three times those of Merchants', so the only way I could possibly get in would be through a scholarship. But I could try. There's no guarantee I would get it, but I've got as good a chance as anyone's, maybe better.
But if I went, and got it, it would mean leaving almost everything I've ever known. Boarding school, different life, different everything. Certainly very different from Sixth form at Merchants', which is the only thing I'd ever thought about.
Pedar wants me to have made the decision in time to watch M*A*S*H tomorrow evening. That gives me slightly less than twenty-four hours. He also gave me the following pieces of advice:
"Just because you've never tried something, don't dismiss it out of hand."
"Just because something is available, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do."
"Just because George Bush choked on a pretzel, doesn't mean his policies are all wrong."
And finally, he said the decision must be mine and only mine. I made it that far.
And now the pros and cons.
Boarding - A new experience. Certainly something I've never tried before. Leaving home...
But, less freedom. Pedar doesn't think so, but I do. I wouldn't be such a fangirlie, for one thing. I wouldn't spend so much time online. I would be kept track of, in a way that I hate.
New people. Good thing, I guess, but it'd better be good. I get so cranky where school is concerned, anyway - for me, my real life is here, in this room, at home. It involves Pedar and his philosphy, my fangirlishness, my ability to sleep all day and all night.
And then there's my intrinsic loneliness. Loneliness is a part of my personality (there is a reason my LJ username is
loneraven) and it's something I'm comfortable with. I can't sign my life over to the people around me, but in a boarding school, I would constantly be with people, all the time. I would get cranky and lose my temper, and I have a very very long fuse. It takes so much to make me angry, that when I do get angry, I do horrible horrible things. The last time I got really angry, I tried to dislocate Vicky Brade's shoulder and bite into her neck. I didn't succeed, but I could have done.Could I cope, leaving behind all my friends? It takes so long to make friends - five years I've been here now.
But then, I never regretted moving to Merchants'. But then there's the point I obviously wasn't happy at Birkenhead, and I am happy now. But then, I could have been unhappy because of my age and mental state. Maybe I would have been just as happy now if I'd stayed.
And Pedar. What would I do without him? He is currently my best friend and mentor rolled into one, but he says he'll live without me. He did go on to say he might start talking to himself, but he'd survive without me. It's not as if I would appreciate him more by him not being there, because I appreciate him so much already.
So far it seems like I want to stay here, but when I think about it, I feel like it might be something I'd love and never regret doing. It's like a locked door... there might be Tutankhamun's golden mask behind it, or there might be just a simple rotting corpse.
So what do I do? I've been given the chance to change my life, but do I want my life changed?
And my life will be different next year anyway. I'll be in the Sixth form, and on paper at least, a lot more qualified than I am now. I'll have a great deal more freedom, plus everything I already have.
Could I let my freedom, friends, family and fangirlishness be taken from me on the promise of something different and new?
Maybe I'm afraid.
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My £0.02
on 2002-10-13 03:51 am (UTC)I think that you get a lot more freedom than the public perception. And, in the sixth, you'll get even more freedom.
You should think about things like whether you'll have your own room or share - are you going to be able to get away from people?
And what do you want to do, longer term? There are a lot of things (still) where that sort of school is well thought of, often out of proportion to how good it actually is (if you see what I mean).
I doubt you'd get cable in your room, though, so you'd have to fight to watch the shows you want!
But it really is your decision.
What you could do is take the exam and see how you do. If you get a scholarship that makes it viable, they usually offer lots of things like the chance to stay there for the weekend, meet people, check out the facilities...
You aren't going to loose anything by sitting the exam. Even if you can get it, he'll understand if you later change your mind.
Re: My £0.02
on 2002-10-13 05:40 am (UTC)It occurred to me during the night that I probably won't get a scholarship. But I can try.
I think I will. And that way I get to see the school.
I doubt you'd get cable in your room, though, so you'd have to fight to watch the shows you want!
*laughs* I cultivate long sharp nails for just that purpose.
Oh, phone's ringing. Must go...
no subject
on 2002-10-15 02:35 am (UTC)take the exam but don't do well, who am i supposed to moan to with no you? this is not seflish, this is........observational.
whatever you do, jst stick with me in oxford or cambridge, i was thinking since my mum is meducally retired and my dad is the only one working, me and thomas might get grants, so i might be able to move out after all!
love you, yey whatever you decide.
Re:
on 2002-10-15 04:06 am (UTC)Re:
on 2002-10-15 11:03 am (UTC)thank god, my mum assumes i'm coming in tomorrow, but it's such an evil day, and i can't breathe and somehow my coughs are green and i'm so bored
will see, thank you.