I didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry

[raven]

So, I am spending the next two days with amchau, and this is good. I have just watched the XF episode "Unusual Suspects", and that too is good, in a sort of crack-addled-omg-this-is-FIC kind of way. (Was that the guy off Homicide? With the world's best piece of dialogue, at that, featuring shoot-outs without bullets and blood without bodies and naked FBI agents babbling about aliens?)

But there is an awful lot about life which is not good at the moment, and right now I'm going to have to mope a bit. Please do bear with me, I'll be over it soon. I hope. But yes. Mope mope mope.

Up until this morning, I was quietly mourning the loss of my ankh. I don't know how I lost it, but I was very upset about it. I bought that ankh in Cairo, cast in silver with a silver chain and hallmark, and I put it on and the day after went to Oxford wearing it, and barely took it off for a year. Losing it meant, in the privacy of my head and its internal symbolism, losing a year; losing the person I became wearing it, losing the people who have only known me wearing a piece of silly silver jewellery that nevertheless means so much to me. It has turned up, happily; my mum found it gleaming between the paving stones in the garden, and I was so pleased to see it that I haven't put it back on yet for fear of losing it again. But yes, this is the only one of the things bugging me that has resolved itself.

I found out this afternoon that I am no longer going to Europe. This is another thing all wrapped up in symbolism, because it was my solo trip, my little thing to remind me I'm an autonomous person, and I can do some things even if I'm not departing off to Vietnam for a year or whatever, and thanks to Easyjet being sleazy bastards, I no longer have flights. They are apparently within their rights to cancel a flight with barely two weeks' notice. I can't replace it without paying over the nose, and worse, the airline providing the connecting flight, who are not Easyjet, will not refund me the money. I have lost £80 and I don't even get to travel. The only way I can get any of it back is to just cancel the whole thing. I don't get to meet biascut after all, and I don't get to see Berlin or Paris or Rome.

Oh, no. What I get to do, lucky me, is stay here and play host to American-cousin-who-makes-me-feel-bad. And her younger sister, who is my age and the living embodiment of Good Indian Girl, and will probably make me feel even worse, and I feel slightly numb and hysterical at the thought. The idea - no, you don't get to travel round Europe, you get to babysit for someone who makes you utterly miserable, and you get to pay for the privilege - is what makes me want to cry.

Err, yes. American Cousin strikes back. And in the news of awful relatives, one of my least favourite aunts arrived this weekend. Her speciality is snide remarks that are just understated enough to avoid comment. Yes, yes, I am a geek, yes, I wear glasses, yes no one else would wear my clothes if you paid them, yes, yes, compared to her I am fat and ugly and worthless. But so subtle, so nicely phrased, it's just her having a laugh oh yes. The net effect is making me want to cry.

But she's gone, thank god. She will be back in two weeks, and I won't be able to get away from her or American Cousin because I won't be in Europe, and then I guess I'll just have to bite my tongue and hold it together and think about the Visit of OMG. Because that's it, that's when I get out of here, because Claire Curtis-Thomas has gone to Spain for a month and is resolutely stringing me along re: internship. I have no idea if I've got it or not. If not, I have to come back for another two weeks in September, and be here, and be driven madder than a trapped hare. I can't do this much longer before I get overtaken by my own neuroses. I'm feeling agoraphobic and socially anxious and afraid of everything except the sky and the sea and I can't help it, because I don't feel safe. I want to go home. But I'm here already.

That's it, I guess. I did something else stupid.

Um. This morning, the rain battering against the shop window gave it all a pleasantly autumnal feel, and one of my workmates borrowed my hoodie and ventured out into the village for a bit, leaving me alone and content behind the counter. She got back with hot pies all round. It was somewhat Dibbleresque, but it was hot and I was hungry. I'd eaten four or five bites before I realised it wasn't pork and potato. I don't eat beef for religious reasons that are pretty complicated, and it's all very well washing your mouth out, but I'd already swallowed it.

So now I feel kind of ick. Combined with the bloody snide "fat and ugly" comments from above, I can't bring myself to eat. And my head hurts, and everything hurts. I am so glad of the rain. It's blurry and grey and it cools and calms everything down. I liked the village under rain, and I liked watching the drops trailing down the shop window. It reminded me of how it used to look when I first started working there, which means I must have been working there two years without noticing. I met an old acquaintance named Nick there today, who used to work there when I first started, and he proposed we start the world's most exclusive Facebook group - Oxford, Cambridge and Yale students who worked at Pritchard's bookshop. (That said, seven people fit into this category, with a possible eighth at Christmas.)

Um, I am babbling about trivialities. In the morning I will be much more sane, and I won't be here, I'm going down south to visit amchau, like I said above, and now my laptop is about to die so I must go.

Comments

[icepixie]

I'm so sorry your trip isn't going to work out. :( That's really shitty of EasyJet.

[rosariotijeras.livejournal.com]

My goodness that's shitty. I hope an air-travel miracle happens. *hugs*

[darksideofstorm.livejournal.com]

*cuddlesquishlove* try not to let your Aunt get to you so much - anyone who has to say things like that to family in order to validate themselves is just a jerk who's just not worth your time.

As for Easyjet well... I have a potato with your name on that I'm perfectly happy to fling at the evil cancelling bastards. Well, I don't actually *have* a potato, BUT I COULD GET ONE.

Heh. Sorry, humour is a knee-jerk reflex for me. I do hope your summer picks up soon, I'm sending you good thoughts *loves on you*

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Ooh, that's unfortunate. Any chance you could get EasyJet to cough up the refund for the connecting flight if you complain loudly enough?

[casirafics.livejournal.com]

Agh. You have a right to mope. *hugs* Hang in there.

[likethesun2.livejournal.com]

Argh! What crap. I'm so sorry; after this school year, you deserve a pan-Europe trip.

On a lighter note, yes, that's Detective John Munch from Homicide in that episode (and half a million other shows too). He really gets around the fannish circuit.

Visit of OMG in just over a month. At this point it's one of the few things keeping me going too, so it WILL be good.

(By the way, eep, I am so sorry I didn't get your beta to you before you went away! I meant to get it done this weekend and then... didn't, and forgot you'd be gone this week. I promise you'll have it in your inbox when you come home. And sorry, sorry, sorry. I am such a bad beta.)

Have a lovely time with Am-Chau! Say hello to each other for me. :)

[thehairyfairy.livejournal.com]

funny how we can never shake some things off no matter how rational we try to be. broke a mirror recently, still not entirely settled about it. um, and i'm in new zealand, not vietnam. on a beeter note - just get bloody replacement tickets - if desperate get the train (it might be cheaper as well- plus you get to see things). keep the reciept and argue like crazy.
or, go to ireland. worth it so stop moping
tara your far-flung correspondant

(ps, i might not risk the rant had i not rather a lot of earth to hide behind)

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

Utter wankers.
Kill the family, thats the only way. Though you may not want to go down my road, I turned on a pharmacist yesterday because they were like that with me when I did something by accident. And then I walked out. I've discovered since work messed me about this year that I really, really, have very little tolerance for being pushed about anymore.
xx

[thecapitalc.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about the beef thing, dearie- I don't eat beef for religious reasons either, and it's the intention that counts. You can't beat yourself up for something you didn't know about; or something you can't help. Eating the pie had you known, or remembered to ask whether it was beef; would have been wrong. Accidentally swallowing a mouthful unknowingly is not wrong.

And you, fat? Please. Your aunt needs glasses.

[me-ves-y-sufres.livejournal.com]

Oh man, your aunt sounds suspiciously like my very Irish Catholic grandmother. Did I ever tell you about her? (To me: "It's nice to see a girl of your age with an appetite!" To my parents: "You'll never have to worry about her being an anorexic, hmm?")

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

um, and i'm in new zealand

I'm so jealous! I'm from NZ, and I'm homesick. Are you having a good time, despite the bad weather?

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit! Oh, the bloody bastards. They did the same thing to whatsagirlgotta, and she had to pay something like £50 extra to rebook. I can't believe they've done it to two of my friends this summer.

But it just means postponing, not never meeting, I hope! Same place next year?

Ugh, though, I totally remember that feeling of being squashed back into your childhood bedroom with everyone assuming that you're fifteen, wanting to scream and scream BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SHINY LIFE AND MY INDEPENDENCE AND MY FRIENDS AND FUN AND AAARGH.

It's small comfort, but remember that Oxford and friends and independence is the future, and you wouldn't be fed up at home if you hadn't had a fantastic time there. It would be kind of sad if Oxford was still the place where you felt awkward and not quite fitting, and desperately looked forward being at home.

But boo! No Iona in Berlin! Am very, very disappointed.

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

With regard to your aunt: I really sympathise. My grandmother (another Irish Catholic matriarch) used to be world-class in the 'I can smile, and demolish your self-esteem while I smile' stakes. Having her to stay at Christmas was really awful, and the annual pilgrimage to stay with her was dreaded. But almost entirely losing her eyesight has humanised her amazingly. She's still an insensitive bitch, but she's easier to handle.

Fat and ugly?! She needs her eyesight checked.

Could you use the money you set aside for the Europe trip to travel around the UK, visiting friends? Sounds like you have to get away from there somehow.

Hearing about your bookshop makes me nostalgic. I worked for about 9 years in retail, starting when I was 16 and ending with a brief and unhappy spell at Blackwells Music shop when I arrived in Oxford.

5 years of that were in one family-run shop (run by a brother and sister, and established about 60 years ago by their father), selling classical CDs, DVDs and good books. Like your shop, there was already an association with Oxford - the owners' mother had been to Oxford, in the 1920s. It was the most wonderful place to work, and I still miss it.

Oh, and I'm still listening to Eyes Open on repeat. I had been focused on the first half of the album, but now 'Set the Fire...' and 'Headlights...' are new favourites. I was walking home from college last night, striding through Jericho singing "Headlights...before me / so beautiful, so clear". It made me happy :)

[ex-artbox613.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

Not surprised you're moping - what a shitty few days. Hate those kind of subtle comments that really hit the mark. Sounds like she's awful.

*hugs*

[ex-artbox613.livejournal.com]

And by 'hit the mark' I mean hitting on stuff you are (or might be) sensitive about - not that she's being truthful. I too have seen pics, sweetie - she's way off the mark.

And my inner geek demands that you tell her that her days are numbered, cos geek is the new bitch, so she's SO last year ;-)

[me-ves-y-sufres.livejournal.com]

Oh, also, they seem to be similar in that the two of them are completely batshit insane, or possibly blind. (With all due respect to your family, I mean.) Admittedly I've only seen photos of you but even then it's blatantly obvious that, um, a) you're very pretty and b) worthless? The idea is so preposterous I'm blinking at the screen.

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

HUGS

Can't you put all your evil relatives on an EasyJet plane and send it over the Bermuda Triangle? Two lots of revenge for the price of one and all that.

Since when were you fat and ugly?

Very glad you found your ankh though, I don't know where I'd be without my gold pentagram -- the only time I take it off is when it gets tangled in one of my other chains and I need to separate them.

[thehairyfairy.livejournal.com]

only been here two days, had just arrived when i posted. christchurch has a population of 336,700! thats only slightly bigger then southport! this country is empty!

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

this country is empty!

Yes, that sounds like the place all right :)

I like to boggle people with the following statistic: NZ is larger than the UK, in square mileage terms, but the UK has about 15 times the population!

If you want any recommendations about where to go and what to see (especially in my beloved hometown, Wellington), get in touch.

[thehairyfairy.livejournal.com]

yaeh, but im in greymouth for now.wouldn't mind some ideas for wellington

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It truly is. And your icon is very nice and very appropriate. :)

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear. *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. I rather like the idea that people are willing to fling about root vegetables in order to avenge me. *g*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

I have tried. Unfortunately, shrieking a lot and hanging up achieved nothing! *g*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie! *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Tried for refund, did not work, the people were spectacularly unhelpful. Can't go anywhere now because of the lost £80 - I need what there is of the refund money to get to Chicago with. How's New Zealand?

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *loves*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*laughs* No, no, batshit insane is probably right. Thank you. *loves*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Hopefully such drastic measures will not be required. *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

It's awful. They're being deliberately awful, wriggling through loopholes to avoid paying me any money. I'm really pissed off, and particularly because I don't get to meet you! Definitely same place next year. I won't be thwarted again! *g*

That's exactly the feeling, right there. I do feel about fifteen, hiding in my room with my laptop all the time even though I have a life and a job and an existence beyond this place. But everyone else wants to squish me back into an old mould that I don't fit into any more. It's frustrating.

[bekkypk.livejournal.com]

I was at it again today. I HATE being on delivery duty. The wards give you hassle, and pharmacy gives you hassle, only one person in clinic knows my name despite me filling in for delivery guy all while I was out of Aseptics for months... they always pick me when I have a cold and dammit I don't want to give immunocompromised people my germs, and man, in the heat the walking will kill me. Thankfully the Delivery man will be back from his 2 and a half week holiday on Monday.
*le sigh*
Work is hard. Well, actually it's mind-numbingly tedious. But hard.
*and hugs*
xx

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*groans* Families are awful. Mine aren't usually, so all this awfulness in one go is a bit of a shock to the system. I do sympathise with your grandmother situation. Getting out is a bit of a problem now, but I did go to visit amchau, who lives 200 miles away, and that was a start.

My bookshop is a lovely, lovely place! It's independent, and that means mostly independent of its actual owner, who is regarded as a necessary but easy-to-ignore evil by the shop manager. It makes for a very contented working environment. *g*

My favourite is "Make This Go On Forever." It gives me chills. Especially "...the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was 'love.'" *shivers*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Thank you. Geek chic is in, oh yes.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Oh, wonderful, yes! That would be the classiest revenge to take.

I am very glad of my ankh, too. Tomorrow I think I shall actually put it back on rather than just holding it.

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

The Visit of OMG will make up for everything. And, hey, it'll be August 4th in about twenty minutes. Just a month to go...

Re: Munch, ah, I thought so! I didn't think the canon quite gelled - was Homicide set in DC? or in 1989, for that matter? - but it seemed too perfect not to be true. The dialogue! The dialogue kills me!

(You are NEVER a bad beta. I'd wait much longer in hope of a beta from you. Thanks very much for doing it. *g*)

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Apparently, Easyjet let Rhiannon rebook all her flights for the price she'd paid for the original ones, because they'd been cancelled: she didn't have to pay any excess. Could you try that, or was it all so carefully co-ordinated that it would completely screw everything?

[likethesun2.livejournal.com]

Less than a month! I'm still waiting for the full-fledged panic of "Oh shit, I'm going to be alone in a huge strange city" to set in, but it hasn't yet, so it's still all joy and anticipation and OMG.

Homicide was set in Baltimore, MD (one of the reasons I love it so much), but there were episodes in which detectives went down to DC on cases. The show ran during the '90s, although the time period in-canon was never specified and the book on which it was based related incidents from '88-'89. So, it might make sense.

(Beta is done and sent. So sorry, ugh. Loved the story.)

Random

[circelily.livejournal.com]

Just to say I dropped here while surfing friendslists of Doctor Who, loved the title of this post, googled the lyrics and bought the album without having ever heard it.

I'll drift by once I've got it to say whether you are a guru or whether I'm just insane.

Random stranger? Me? I won't blame you if you block me out of sheer sanity.

Re: Random

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Hey, nice to meet you. It's a wonderful song and I do hope you enjoy it.