...stuff.

There is no aspect of my life that is not making me depressed at the moment.

Well, maybe that's not the case. Fandom is cool. Fandom is always cool. I may not be writing very much, but I'm enjoying my collaboration with amchau. That's not making me depressed. Neither is my currently minimal involvement in Harry Potter and M*A*S*H - fandom is always cool, as previously said.

And then there's the other personal aspect - my friends in general. I am blessed with friends, remarkably for one so weird and formerly lonely. I have a real "best friend", and some nearly-so friends, and a lot of people whom I have never met but still consider friends.

To rephrase: there are few aspects of my life that are not making me depressed at the moment.

To be honest, it's mainly school. In a nutshell, I don't feel good enough. I have exams in a week, as said yesterday when I was hanging out of the bathroom window, and I don't feel like I will either do well or that anything I do now will make me do well. I hate revision - who doesn't? - but I particularly hate memorising things. It makes me feel stupid, ie, I'm-so-lacking-in-conceptual-understanding-that-I-have-to-memorise-it-and-regurgitate-it-on-command.

I'm not lacking in conceptual understanding, and I have a good memory. But I'm not good enough, never quite good enough. I almost got a Harrison scholarship this year, because I almost got nine A*s at GCSE, and I almost achieved something. But I never do achieve anything, because there's always "almost" or "nearly" or "mitigating circumstances." I am so sick of never, never being quite good enough. In the end, the people who are like me and almost are forgotten. And now, in a week's time, I have even more exams to fail at. Chemistry is all right, probably - I got an A for my mock (not almost, I did) and I can do it again. For Politics, I got a B, and not even almost an A, and for Biology, I got almost a B, which is a C because who cares about almost.

A-levels are hard. I hate it that I have to say that, as if I were five years old or terminally inconsequential. I hate people who say they didn't do/get/receive such-and-such, "but it's okay 'cause [such-and-such] is hard." At the risk of sounding American, well, duh. If it weren't, it wouldn't be worth achieving, ne?

GCSEs are not hard. They are not - at least, they weren't for me. And I'm very sorry if I'm being offensive, but I am also being truthful. That's why the almost was unforgivable. They weren't hard and I was perfectly capable; and still, no. And I also hate being told "you did your best" - because that implies that you did your best, and you still weren't good enough. That's the worst thing.

And the worst thing about all of this is, I suppose, the fact I am doing A-levels for no real reason. My mother has chosen to forget I told her I didn't want to do medicine. She talks about how I need to "hurry up and make a decision" when I already have, and she's purposely forgotten. What she means is, "hurry up and do medicine." And now Pedar, who was always on my side, is beginning to lean towards my doing medicine as well. When I told him that I'd decided and didn't want to be a doctor, he didn't selectively forget, but he did say I shouldn't make a decision now (when? six months from now?) and sometimes discusses medical specalities I might be good at. I may be overreacting to that, but maybe not.

So, I'm doing A-levels so I can do medicine - the fact that two of them are humanities is simply to make me look versatile on my UCAS form. I could do something other than medicine but I'm not good enough - only almost. It feels so much like medicine is all I'm good for, and I won't even be a particularly good doctor.

I even almost got a job last week - it was the second time I'd almost got it.

So my life as it stands is becoming steadily more pointless. I may as well not go to bed and stay up watching Red Dwarf - it doesn't matter what I do.