Productivity

Oh, yes, this has been productive. Playing around with my layout for an hour, and finally I can't decide between a picture of Jack off Jill or of Scarling. I went with Scarling, but I might change it tomorrow. I like the redness of a Jack off Jill layout.
I'm tired now - going to bed. Tomorrow is my catching-up-with-all-the-work-I-haven't-done-in-the-last-month day.

She's hanging all her hopes from the stars

Usually, I would get home at about this time on a Saturday and write a long entry about what happened today. But I can't do that today, because I haven't been anywhere. I have, instead, spent an hour manipulating surds and writing about Virgil's Aeneid. So this entry is going to contain all the random thoughts I have had today.
I think my parents are happy I didn't go out... and I didn't mind, myself - half term begins on Friday.
SG-5 is another thing to think about. I don't know what the plans are at present. Em, if you're reading this, please ring me at some point. We haven't actually talked for about three weeks!
And that's that. My parents are still not talking to each other, and it's beginning to get a little annoying. The house is cold, in all senses of the word - apparently it is a poem from an architect's point of view, but a nightmare from a plumber's point of view. Probably explains the lack of hot water.
Talking of nothing in particular, who the hell is responsible for the fact I have Hit Me Baby One More Time on my computer! It keeps coming up on random selection, and I want to kill it.
Had a strange dream last night - it involved Roswell in 1947, with the Asgard coming in here and there, and I was trying to write about it, but people kept on telling me nothing happened, it was just a weather balloon...
Well, I should do my history, but I'm going to watch Enterprise. Again. It's the same one as last week's, for some bizarre reason, but I'm watching it anyway 'cause I liked it so much. And I just found out they're showing Stargate every day at six again - plus I can tape Nightwalkers on Saturday.
And then there's M*A*S*H, and Frasier.... for someone who doesn't watch tv, I'm entirely too happy about this.

Pacifism

I've been looking for this quote for quite some time. I think it's going in my signature.

"I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a
clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books,
I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry
forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"

Just watched an entirely plotless M*A*S*H ep, but who needs plot, really? And the one good thing was, my parents watched it too, and they seemed to enjoy it and stop glaring at each other, at any rate, my mother burst out laughing when Hawkeye strides in with the comment, "Congratulations Frank, you and Margaret are the proud parents of a five-pound baby hernia." She claims not to like the show but I think she does - anyway, how many of her Zee TV serials would still be showing thirty years from now?

Decision

All right. I have a decision to make. This is not a decision along the lines of what-do-I-wear or should-I-skive-school-today or even what-GCSEs-should-I-take. This is perhaps the first really big decision of my life.
Pedar has suggested I take the scholarship exam for Benenden in November. Benenden is, as far as I know, an extremely upmarket, toffee-nosed independent school in Kent. The fees are about three times those of Merchants', so the only way I could possibly get in would be through a scholarship. But I could try. There's no guarantee I would get it, but I've got as good a chance as anyone's, maybe better.
But if I went, and got it, it would mean leaving almost everything I've ever known. Boarding school, different life, different everything. Certainly very different from Sixth form at Merchants', which is the only thing I'd ever thought about.

Pedar wants me to have made the decision in time to watch M*A*S*H tomorrow evening. That gives me slightly less than twenty-four hours. He also gave me the following pieces of advice:

"Just because you've never tried something, don't dismiss it out of hand."
"Just because something is available, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do."
"Just because George Bush choked on a pretzel, doesn't mean his policies are all wrong."

And finally, he said the decision must be mine and only mine. I made it that far.

And now the pros and cons.
Boarding - A new experience. Certainly something I've never tried before. Leaving home...
But, less freedom. Pedar doesn't think so, but I do. I wouldn't be such a fangirlie, for one thing. I wouldn't spend so much time online. I would be kept track of, in a way that I hate.

New people. Good thing, I guess, but it'd better be good. I get so cranky where school is concerned, anyway - for me, my real life is here, in this room, at home. It involves Pedar and his philosphy, my fangirlishness, my ability to sleep all day and all night.

And then there's my intrinsic loneliness. Loneliness is a part of my personality (there is a reason my LJ username is loneraven) and it's something I'm comfortable with. I can't sign my life over to the people around me, but in a boarding school, I would constantly be with people, all the time. I would get cranky and lose my temper, and I have a very very long fuse. It takes so much to make me angry, that when I do get angry, I do horrible horrible things. The last time I got really angry, I tried to dislocate Vicky Brade's shoulder and bite into her neck. I didn't succeed, but I could have done.

Could I cope, leaving behind all my friends? It takes so long to make friends - five years I've been here now.
But then, I never regretted moving to Merchants'. But then there's the point I obviously wasn't happy at Birkenhead, and I am happy now. But then, I could have been unhappy because of my age and mental state. Maybe I would have been just as happy now if I'd stayed.

And Pedar. What would I do without him? He is currently my best friend and mentor rolled into one, but he says he'll live without me. He did go on to say he might start talking to himself, but he'd survive without me. It's not as if I would appreciate him more by him not being there, because I appreciate him so much already.

So far it seems like I want to stay here, but when I think about it, I feel like it might be something I'd love and never regret doing. It's like a locked door... there might be Tutankhamun's golden mask behind it, or there might be just a simple rotting corpse.

So what do I do? I've been given the chance to change my life, but do I want my life changed?
And my life will be different next year anyway. I'll be in the Sixth form, and on paper at least, a lot more qualified than I am now. I'll have a great deal more freedom, plus everything I already have.

Could I let my freedom, friends, family and fangirlishness be taken from me on the promise of something different and new?

Maybe I'm afraid.