Fic: Pastoral Care [Doctor Who]

[raven]

macadamanaity asked for, quoting me after three cocktails, "River Song Explains It All. And Blows Shit Up."

Fic:: Pastoral Care
by Raven
1400w, Doctor Who, River Song. "I was dressed all in black, with a holster and a set of lockpicks. Did you think I was going to a fancy dress party?"

---

"Professor Song," she was saying, hurrying to keep up, "are you sure this is a good time, I mean, I can come back later..."

"Don't be silly, this is fine," River said, shaking her head and shoving her hands in her pockets. "Now – remind me of your name?"

"Yu Tobias," the girl told her. It was only the second week of classes, and the packed auditorium hadn't thinned off at all during add-drop, people squeezing themselves into the back of the room, sitting on the floor scribbling notes on Professor Song's famed lectures on ancient galactic empire civilisations.

"Now, Tobias, run!"

They ran. River took her hand and they came to a frantic stop, pressed back against the wall as the charges went off, one by one around the edge of the cast metal box. "Good workmanship," River said, approvingly. "You see how the explosive force is all directed down into the box, and it comes apart so neatly? Like pushing a knife through butter. Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"It's... complicated," Tobias said hesitantly. Another charge went off with a sound like blue touchpaper fizzing.

"Not worrying about your thesis already, are you?" River leaned back, hands loosely on her hips. "Because if you are, I'd recommend..."

"No," Tobias said, "it's personal. Professor Song, when you said I should meet you in your office at nine am..."

The last charge fizzed down to the surface of the metal and exploded. After a lazy second, the front of the box scythed off and hit the ground with a thump. River grinned. "Paydirt."

Carefully, she stepped forward, then beckoned to Tobias to follow. "See that?" she asked, and reached inside the broken safe, pulling out a small gold artefact. It was covered in exquisite detailing, tiny minarets and domes and tiny cut-out windows.

"Lovely," River said. "It's one of the Great Temples of the Later Canton. Lovely people, live on a planet where it's always twenty-five degrees and sunny. It's difficult for them, though, opportunist thieves will keep on coming to steal your public buildings when you're only six inches tall. No matter, this one's going back. Just fetch a card out the front of the bag, would you?"

Tobias rummaged and found the little card-case. She drew one out and read: The Committee For Post-Colonial Artefact Repatriation thanks you for your participation.

River placed it on the shelf where the temple had been. "Onwards."

As they moved towards the door, Tobias took a deep breath and tried again. "It was a personal matter I wanted to discuss. You see, I read in the prospectus that you lived with your partner, and I just wondered..."

River leaned out and gave the corridor a quick sweep with her blaster. "Go on, I'm listening."

"I grew up in the Gamma forests, and..."

"Ah. The armed clerics." River nodded. "Come on."

"Yes," Tobias said quickly, still struggling to keep up, "and my family was pretty conservative, and… Professor Song, how do you know if you're bisexual?"

"Stop." River held a finger to her lips. "Someone's... ah."

The guard didn't have more than a moment to look surprised; his mouth was still opening to shout for reinforcements when he toppled over, landing heavily against the wall and slipping to the floor. River picked the sleep dart from his shoulder gingerly and tossed it aside. "Tobias. The second pocket of the bag."

Tobias drew out a folded letter, tied with a ribbon, one of several in the bag, and handed it over. The text was obscured, but River was grinning as she carefully placed the letter in the guard's trouser pocket. "The Committee apologises for the inconvenience," she said, happily. "It is however in a good cause, and the Committee feels sure you will understand, and if during the course of the Committee's bopping you on the head you accidentally, for example, miss your anniversary dinner or your offspring's fifth birthday party the Committee will send flowers to your husband or wife or a cuddly bear, rabbit, lizard or other appropriate creature to said offspring..."

Tobias grinned. "Professor Song, my question."

"It's a good one." River walked silently but easily down the corridor, arms swinging. Tobias was finding it easier to keep up. "But it's not the right one. How do you know, Tobias. There must be a reason you're thinking it."

"There is," Tobias confessed. "I mean, there are."

"They're all around you," River said, amused. "Girls with pretty eyes and lips you want to kiss."

"But how did you know?" Tobias asked, stubbornly. "How could you be sure?"

River had placed a finger to her lips. "I think we're onto something else here." She held up a hand, checking inside a room, then motioned for Tobias to follow. "Right. You see the glass case, there? If I'm right, the necklace inside comes from a world a thousand light years from here, and pretty much determines their dynastic succession."

Tobias hung back as River turned her attention to the top of the case. Another set of charges, smaller this time, and a small boxy object she brought out from her pocket. "Magnetic scrambler," she explained. "Plays havoc with local tracking devices. Should give us a bit of breathing space."

Tobias nodded, and said, "Professor Song, you told me to meet you in your office..."

"Tobias, I was dressed all in black, with a holster and a set of lockpicks. Did you think I was going to a fancy dress party?"

"Well, no."

"And you came along willingly enough and you're here now, and if I were you I'd fill in a form for extra credit... ah." At the sound of the first small explosion, she relaxed a little. "Now, you asked me a question."

"Yes," Tobias said, still determined. "How did you know?"

River thought about it. "I'm not your best role model in that regard," she said, finally. "I knew. I always knew. I was bisexual. I had to be. Of course," she added, smiling, "I had a great deal of fun making sure..."

Another explosion, and the glass sheared. River dived, catching the edge before it could shatter and raise an alarm. She laid it flat and reached in for the necklace, tossing it lightly over her shoulder. Startled, Tobias caught it. It was heavy white metal, perhaps palladium, with red stones set along its length. Ruby, or spinell.

"Congratulations," River said, looking at her. "Right at this moment you're the Supreme Leader Absolute of the Great and Expansionist Anaxagoric Empire, which despite the name is one small planet going around a greenish sun very far away from here. Not much to recommend it other than its cocktail menus. Right, that's that." She tossed a card into the case and took the necklace, throwing it into the bag with the temple. "These are going back where they belong. And so are we."

On the way out, they met another guard. This time Tobias gave him an elbow in the face while River tripped him, and they hauled him out of the way together, leaving his committee letter balanced on his forehead.

"Thank you," Tobias said, as they slipped out of the museum front door, out into the morning sunshine. They stood there, blinking, for a moment. "That was... helpful. And interesting."

"Good," River said, satisfied. "You should speak up in class more. You're clearly bright. As for the personal problem, I doubt it will be a problem. Get to know yourself, you'll be fine."

"Thank you," Tobias said again. Curiously, she added, "Your partner, what's her name?"

"My wife," River corrected. "We've been married a long time, in a lot of places." She smiled a little. "She doesn't have a name. Well, she does. It's a long story. The whole thing's a long story. She'll come up in some of my lectures."

"I look forward to it," Tobias said. "I go this way, I think, I live in the old town."

River nodded. "See you next week, Tobias. If you need me again, my office hours are on my door."

"Wait," Tobias said. "If she doesn't have a name, what do you call her?"

"Sweetie," River said, and walked off in the sunlight.

end.

Comments

[such_heights]

oh, my god. MY JOY CANNOT BE CONFINED. THIS IS THE BEST.

Dammit, why isn't River Song my professor? I feel this is a great tragedy.

[skywaterblue]

:D this is my face it is a good face :D

[livrelibre]

*flails* The Committee! Tobias! Sweetie! River Sonnngg! FABULOUS!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

[eruthros]

This is great! I love River doing breaking-and-entering repatriation :)

[silverhare]

The Committee For Post-Colonial Artefact Repatriation thanks you for your participation. <3<3<3

Oh, so much love for this. And, of course, I'm now shipping girl!Doctor with River Song...

[glinda]

The Committee For Post-Colonial Artefact Repatriation thanks you for your participation.

I just adore the world building in this - so many little details! Also Tobias and her personal confusion and her ability to deal with unexpected explosions.

[soupytwist]

That is ADORABLE! In so many ways. ♥

[wildestranger]

This makes me happy in my soul.

[thingswithwings]

YAY for this! oh my gosh now I want 800 stories set during the time that Professor Song is actually professing. AND during the time she and the Doctor are married and the Doctor is lady-shaped. In short, I would like to burrow into this story and curl up inside its universe for a while.

[rhivolution]

omg as a former wibbling bisexual cultural studies student, amazing. Especially The Committee. LOVE that.

[philomytha]

Oh, this is love! The Committee! Retrieving artefacts for extra credit! Tobias! River having a great deal of fun making sure ♥

[wealhtheow]

I am dying from love! I love the little cards River leaves, and that she has this whole conversation during a raid, and the Doctor switched sexes, and ahhh it is all so perfect! Especially the last line!

[yahtzee63.livejournal.com]

Loved this! You have a marvelous River voice, and I like her unorthodox professorial style. :D

[ladymercury-10.livejournal.com]

That's adorable, and so very River. I love the bit about the tiny planet! I also like how River is sort of a Doctor figure in this story--righting wrongs, going on adventures, taking hapless acquaintances along for the ride. And of course River wouldn't bat an eye at the Doctor regenerating into a lady.

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

This is wonderful! I love this River Song and envy her students very much. Also her wife.

[avanti-90.livejournal.com]

I love River's teaching methods!

omg

[macadamanaity.livejournal.com]

I actually have no words. None. I am just sitting here flailing and making high pitched noises. ::SMOOSHES YOU::

[leiascully.livejournal.com]

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I read the summary and had to click on this immediately. LOVE LOVE LOVE ALL THE LOVE.

[minerva-fan.livejournal.com]

LOL! This was wonderful.

[bookwormsarah.livejournal.com]

Oh fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. River repatriating artefacts is just *right*. I love the cards and letters, and her ability to have her mind complete devoted to two separate things. Plus, there can never be too many mentions of the armed clerics.

[yan-tan-tether.livejournal.com]

This is perfection, and I particularly love the ending.

[dormouse-in-tea.livejournal.com]

I now have to e-mail this fic link to everyone in the house, because after a lot of delighted squeaking noises I clapped my hands together and rocked back and forth grinning a lot. EEEEEEEEE River Song.

[tau_sigma]

I LOVE YOU LIKE PIE. No, more than pie. And that's a lot. *hearts you like mad*

[speccygeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

I love the tiny temple! xD And everything about the conversation. And just, River, all the time. ♥ Fantastic.

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

Lovely!