raven | live through this

It's all going wrong.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd spent the whole day feeling tired and ill and then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for much too long. At about midnight, I got up again and wrote for a while. Not on the computer - with my pen on that refill pad I like so much - and I think I wrote for maybe an hour, perhaps more, but it was a different fandom, and meh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have even tried. I don't want to look at what I've written because it's probably all a pile of crap.

And I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I might have fallen asleep eventually, but for some reason my alarm chose not to go off and I woke up at twelve, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I can't let it happen because I end up waking up later and later every day, and that's not what I'm aiming for, not at all.

Pedar's coming back in a couple of hours, so I have to get myself together, take a shower, get dressed, and I just don't want to. I think I'm losing sight of everything that brought me to this point - say "revise", I don't want to revise. I don't care. It's such a beautiful system that forces people to the point where they don't care. Exams are all very well, but I don't care any more. If I pass them, I get my future mapped out for me by my mother because I'm so goddamn clever. If I really were, I'd get myself out while I still had a chance. If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise. I'd earn money and think it would change my life. My life is currently beyond the point of changing. I don't want to be something that I'm not, I don't want more histrionics, the easy way out is just to lie. It's what I've been doing. "Yes, of course I want to be a doctor, why do you doubt me so much?"

And the answer is easy. She doubts me because I'm lying. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be anything. Right at this moment I don't even want to be conscious.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

As a wise person once (recently!) said: "Optimism, optimism, go with the optimism..."

But seriously...

If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise.

It's because you are clever that you aren't likely to be happy following a path that just isn't right for you. And I really wish your mother could accept that, or at the very least acknowledge it.

And I'm so, so sorry that it's making you miserable to the point of Not Caring Anymore. :(

why do you HAVE to know what you want to do with your life? better yet, why do you think you have an inkling and at the same time have someone telling you that it's all wrong?

i don't know.. i feel the need to throw my two cents in on this. i'm in my first year of college and i have no idea what i want to do. the two degrees that i am currently simultaneously working on.. i don't necessarily want to use either field of study to start a career. i love to read, and i love to write, and i love pondering the human mind: that's why i'm studying literature and psychology. i don't think it would be such a bad thing to go to culinary school after college is done.. or even better yet, just stay in school for the rest of my life.

i don't know. i suppose i think it's rather inane when teenagers are expected to know what they want to do with their lives. tastes change. when i was 15, i wanted to be a lawyer. my tastes might even change again.. i'm thinking they won't but i'm definitely not ruling out the possibility.

hey. if you ever want to just run away, you can stay with me in beautiful, sunny Florida. ;)

I totally understand the whole my-career-is-already-mapped-out-without-my-input situation. Basically I'm just going to repeat what the other comments say: I think it's unfair that the authorities make us choose our career as early as 13 (when, in our school anyway, you must choose a foreign language), because even at 15 when you choose your GCSE subjects, only a select few REALLY know what they want to do. We are all prone to change.

I bet there are schoolchildren all over the country who are feeling the way that you do, and I am one of them. So don't fret. I blame the system. From the moment of conception to when our spark of life is extinguished, we are all fuelled by our inbred capitalistic want of money. If this was different, if we all lived in communes and shared (blah..ideal world..blah), then we wouldn't have this career problem, because the intellectuals would eventually discover how they desire to utilise their brain power.

I'll probably be 40 before I know what I want to do with my life. Until then, we all have to bend and fit in with the system.

Look, mummy, a Communist!

In all seriousness, thanks for your input. You seem to have things much straighter in your head than I do. Thou art Lorna, yes? Hannah told me so much about you...

Welcome to LJ, you're going on my friends list in a minute, and I've got to offer - would you like your journal prettified? I'm not a genius with layouts, but I could get it looking nicer, if you like...

Yeah, I am Lorna, beware of the Lorna-ness! Good information I hope! Things just sounds sorted written down, it's a maelstrom in my head, believe me! (Unless I'm too tired to think, in which case my thoughts consist of "Food? Sleep?")

I've tried to modify my journal, but if you still think it needs prettifying, feel free to change it (although I don't have a clue how you would!).

Oh, and where do you get those great animé icons? So far I only have one! (This is not a hint, Hannah... Erhem.)

GINORMO HUG!

I understand how you are feeling. I get that too; I think a lot of people do, especially clever people. Since I was seven years old, everyone has been saying, "Meredith is going to be an English professor!" Now, in university, I am realising that I do not want to be an English professor. Still, that's what everyone expects of me. I get incredibly frustrated because when I talk about doing other things, they either take it as a fantasy, or tell me that I really SHOULD be an English professor. Erk.

My advice to you is to keep your options open. That way, when it really comes down to it, you can say, "Perhaps I would make an excellent doctor, but I would also make an excellent journalist and that is what draws me more." If you don't close any doors, you will one day get to go through them, even if it is an uphill battle.

Work subtly with your mum. Mothers are stubborn, but they are known to come around eventually.

ilove you yoda and i hate to see you so unhappy, so consider this selfish.

the amount of times I have tried to write this is ridiulous, so Im going to come out and say it,

I guess, we are opposites, in this respect. I need to stop doing the doing it all for myself, turning against everything shit. And you need to start doing that. You wont be reject trash like me, because you are intelligent, but Im not going to plead with you, just put it straight ; If you dont realise that what you do is for yourself, your going to be miserable.
Tell me its not so easy all you like, I know its not so easy; so? living miserably isnt easy either, yodagirl. I dont care about your religion, I dont care about your culture, or your mother even. I care about you, and no matter how much these things are a part of you; it isnt you.

Did you know I still have your books? your first attempts at novels, that you allowed me to see. I dont know If I was meant to return them, but I never will. I still read them on occasion.

I dont need to tell you all of this; you know what is right for you, and what is wrong for you, and I hope that whatever decision you make, it will work out ok. Ilove you xxxxxxxxxxx

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