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live through this
It's all going wrong.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd spent the whole day feeling tired and ill and then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for much too long. At about midnight, I got up again and wrote for a while. Not on the computer - with my pen on that refill pad I like so much - and I think I wrote for maybe an hour, perhaps more, but it was a different fandom, and meh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have even tried. I don't want to look at what I've written because it's probably all a pile of crap.
And I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I might have fallen asleep eventually, but for some reason my alarm chose not to go off and I woke up at twelve, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I can't let it happen because I end up waking up later and later every day, and that's not what I'm aiming for, not at all.
Pedar's coming back in a couple of hours, so I have to get myself together, take a shower, get dressed, and I just don't want to. I think I'm losing sight of everything that brought me to this point - say "revise", I don't want to revise. I don't care. It's such a beautiful system that forces people to the point where they don't care. Exams are all very well, but I don't care any more. If I pass them, I get my future mapped out for me by my mother because I'm so goddamn clever. If I really were, I'd get myself out while I still had a chance. If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise. I'd earn money and think it would change my life. My life is currently beyond the point of changing. I don't want to be something that I'm not, I don't want more histrionics, the easy way out is just to lie. It's what I've been doing. "Yes, of course I want to be a doctor, why do you doubt me so much?"
And the answer is easy. She doubts me because I'm lying. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be anything. Right at this moment I don't even want to be conscious.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd spent the whole day feeling tired and ill and then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for much too long. At about midnight, I got up again and wrote for a while. Not on the computer - with my pen on that refill pad I like so much - and I think I wrote for maybe an hour, perhaps more, but it was a different fandom, and meh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have even tried. I don't want to look at what I've written because it's probably all a pile of crap.
And I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I might have fallen asleep eventually, but for some reason my alarm chose not to go off and I woke up at twelve, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I can't let it happen because I end up waking up later and later every day, and that's not what I'm aiming for, not at all.
Pedar's coming back in a couple of hours, so I have to get myself together, take a shower, get dressed, and I just don't want to. I think I'm losing sight of everything that brought me to this point - say "revise", I don't want to revise. I don't care. It's such a beautiful system that forces people to the point where they don't care. Exams are all very well, but I don't care any more. If I pass them, I get my future mapped out for me by my mother because I'm so goddamn clever. If I really were, I'd get myself out while I still had a chance. If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise. I'd earn money and think it would change my life. My life is currently beyond the point of changing. I don't want to be something that I'm not, I don't want more histrionics, the easy way out is just to lie. It's what I've been doing. "Yes, of course I want to be a doctor, why do you doubt me so much?"
And the answer is easy. She doubts me because I'm lying. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be anything. Right at this moment I don't even want to be conscious.
no subject
But seriously...
If I were clever, I wouldn't be different, I'd get myself a medical degree and think I was in paradise.
It's because you are clever that you aren't likely to be happy following a path that just isn't right for you. And I really wish your mother could accept that, or at the very least acknowledge it.
And I'm so, so sorry that it's making you miserable to the point of Not Caring Anymore. :(